TITLE: Winter's Discord
GENRE: YA epic fantasy
The morning started wet and dark when the riders set out to the east. The sun was little more than a dull glint behind gray clouds while a blanket of fog covered the land surrounding the castle. It filled Ben Grange with the promise of mystery and excitement. But by mid-morning, the fog lifted and their party of fifty riders was galloping over the farmland that stretched as far as the eye could see. Ben stayed focused on the eastern horizon as he rode alongside his father, the Duke. A sharp, cold rain began to fall, stinging his face. Ben almost wished it were snow falling instead. Snow wouldn't hurt as much.
It was closer to midday when they entered the hills of the western woods. The road narrowed so they could only ride two or three abreast. Ben tried to position himself next to his father, but was pushed further back into the column. Eventually he found himself between two older soldiers with a distant view of his father's horse's rear. To make matters worse, the rain stared to come down harder. The column slowed as they entered the woods and Ben pulled his hood further over his head as they continued to ride. Ben began to lose track of time as the woods pushed in all around them.
Ben noticed they had slowed, the guards beside him pulling back the reins. Looking up from under his hood, Ben tried to see what was holding them up.
Not hooked.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't start out talking about the weather. It needs to begin with either a conflict, dialog, or action.
Don't worry, editing is just part of the process.
Good luck.
Agree with Sarah. Why do dull, grey clouds and fog fill Ben with excitement? I have a feeling that the next sentence after this cuts off is when something is about to happen, and I would probably keep reading a little more. But if I only had time to read this much, you'd have lost me.
ReplyDeleteThe writing is sound, but I have to agree the weather stuff is too much stage setting.
ReplyDeleteI attended a 'First Page' panel with several agents and editors at a conference where Jack Whyte read the openings and the panalists would tell him to stop when their interest strayed. One thing we learned that day after listening to so many openings is to never start with a weather report.
Only a touch of stage setting is needed to give the story context, so focus more on the story and less on the atmostphere. There will be opportunities to get in more bits and bobs and the action unfolds.
Thanks for sharing!
Need a 'hook'. Nice writing otherwise.
ReplyDeleteSadly, not hooked. That you label it an epic fantasy does prepare for long blocks without dialog, but this just didn't do it for me. Seems a little inconsistent when it comes to how you say things. Some are descriptive heavy others are too simplistic. I imagine it's horribly difficult to find just the right tone for YA epic. Good news is, the story's on paper, you only need to solidify your author-voice.
ReplyDeleteI like that you are setting the scene, but try to shorten it a bit, make it a bit punchier.
ReplyDelete"Ben Grange rode east, filled with excitement that even the blanket of fog surrounding the castle could not dampen."
Err...or something like that.
Also, in the ending paragraph- I would take out the "Ben noticed they had slowed" and keep the rest of that sentence.
I would like to read more, just to find out what is holding them up.
I'm not hooked, but I'm interested. I want to know where they're going. I think if we had some dialogue between MC and members of the group we could an idea of how they view the MC. Is he wanted along on this mission? what are the stakes for him here?
ReplyDeleteNice descriptions. But since we don't know what Ben and the others are riding towards or how Ben feels about it or what's at stake, I think your readers may not have any particular reason to care what happens. The hold-up at the end could be "hooky" if Ben had some sort of emotional reaction to it, or if it spurred him into some sort of action, though.
ReplyDeleteI'm not hooked, but the writing is competent. I think it's the lack of action, of stakes. Everything feels very remote. I need to be more in Ben's head, and something more exciting needs to happen soon. You've got a solid start to work from, though. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteA lot of weather here. The first bit was OK, but then it went on a little long. Cut some of that, and I think it would be fine.
ReplyDeleteIn a recent issue of Writer's Digest (sorry, too tired to track down which one), they had an article with agents' pet peeves. You hit one of them: describing the weather in the opening page. And especially describing it to this extent.
ReplyDeleteI like your descriptions, but use them sparingly in the first chapter. They are just slowing the pace.
Sorry not hooked!
I would have to agree with the others. The writing is not the problem at all for me. I'd continue to read. But cut most of the weather. String it in as they ride maybe, and as something happens. It doesn't have to be action, thoughts work for me, but a little more.
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
Almost hooked.
I don't exactly have a problem with the description in the first few sentence, because they do give us an mental image of the setting.
ReplyDeleteMy problem is it's a very nonexciting way to begin a book.
One thing too - wouldn't the Duke's son be given a higher place than common soldiers? Unless there were other noblemen equal in age and power riding with the Duke? As it was, I thought that he would have been more cramped riding three astride than the two (him and his father).
Some nice description, but as an opening it isn't quite strong enough. Ben himself is getting lost amid all the weather! I don't care about the rain, or the father, or the scenery - I want to know about Ben! Punch your way into this story in a strong way.
ReplyDeleteLike the others, I'm feeling that the description is too overbearing. I'm not a fan of much description at all and to see three long blocks of it at the beginning of a novel would have me running so fast it isn't even funny. One thing to think about: YA is really character centered. Every story I've read in the section (and that's pretty much all I read because I love it more than I love anything else)really revolves closely around the main character and how they are feeling about how people and the world react to them. You might want to consider an opening more clearly focused on Ben because that's who I want to get to know.
ReplyDeleteAs is, I'm not hooked. Good luck with this!
Doesn’t hook me…
ReplyDeleteBecause it rained and they traveled. I don’t feel for the character Ben and it’s sort of a slow opener. I know that’s fairly typical in epic fantasy, but still it’s not a rule and I think you’d get farther by giving us a reason to care about Ben or some kind of conflict outside of the weather. A lot of info is dropped here, but not much hooking is going on…
Not hooked. It was too slow for me. You might consider letting the reader know who Ben is (you have that) what he wants, and why he can't have it.
ReplyDeleteIt seems it may have to do with his father. Maybe include why he wants to ride beside his father, as well as where they're going, and does he want, or not want, to go. Introduce a bit of conflict.
It's lacking feeling. No emotion except for the pain of the rain, and it just sounds cold, not painful. Otherwise I could like it, but it sounds like a historical romance beginning to me.
ReplyDeleteNice descriptions, but I agree about the weather reporting. Jump into the action a little more quickly.
ReplyDeleteSorry, but not hooked yet. This is 250 words of talking about the weather. Nothing actually happens. Get to the tension/conflict immediately in order to hook the reader.
ReplyDeleteThe weather gave me a dull dreary feeling, not good. Find a hook.
ReplyDeleteThis could be great with some tightening and not so much weather description.
ReplyDeleteYou received some great advice here! Your idea seems sound. With a bit of whittling you'll be on your way to fantastic fantasy.
ReplyDeleteMy initial impression was this is a Western, but you've categorized it as epic fantasy.
ReplyDeleteNot sure this is the place to begin the story as it is sort of slow moving, even if they're on horses -- ha, ha.
Your writing is good and descriptive. Beware the cliches (as far as eye could see, etc.).
I get the feeling of a good writer, but even for an "epic" this has a slow start. I think there's potential and I'd read more. Not all stories start in the first 250 words--no matter how much agents and marketing people expect them to.
ReplyDelete