TITLE: The Not-So-Beauty-Pageant Queen
GENRE: Mid-Grade
“Don’t worry. Even if you don’t win, you still have a sister that’s a winner!” My big sister, Rachel, smiled sweetly at me, twirling her long, blond hair around her finger.
I rolled my eyes at her. “So what? You won the eighth grade spelling bee. It’s not like you won the Nobel Peace Prize, or something.” I shook my head, swinging my pony tail from side to side. “My life will be over after this, you know. The entire fifth grade will never speak to me again.”
“Do they speak to you now?” Rachel asked.
“Get out of my room!” I yelled, throwing a pillow at her.
Rachel stared across the room. “I can see you prissing across the stage now, with Mom right beside you.” She grabbed a hairbrush from my dresser for her microphone and cleared her throat, pretending to be an announcer, “Welcome to the first annual Red, White, Blue, and You Beauty Pageant. Here’s our first contestants, Gayle Higginbotham and her unlovely daughter, Paige. Paige attends Dunnston Elementary. Her hobbies include being a brat, acting like a retard, and sucking up to teachers.”
“Out! I mean it!” I screamed, pushing her toward the door.
The faster I shoved, the louder she got. “And what talent will she be performing for us tonight? Well, ladies and gentlemen, she has none!” Rachel died laughing.
“You’re the retard!” I grabbed my hairbrush and slammed the door in her face.
I took a big breath, leaning against my door.
Not quite, a few nitpicks.
ReplyDeleteI'd rather see:
“Don’t worry. Even if you don’t win, you still have a sister that’s a winner!” Rachel smiled sweetly and twirled her long, blond hair around her finger.
I liked it. There is good dialog, and conflict between the siblings.
ReplyDeleteHOOKed!
I liked it. Hooked. Good voice. Good conflict.
ReplyDeleteI think you need some tightening here, but I like the clawed opening of 'sisterly love'. Good job!
ReplyDeleteSorry - wouldn't read this.
ReplyDeleteIt's a personal thing, but I have a problem with the word "retard." I know it's popular today, and I think we do our young people a disservice by encouraging it's use.
Great sisterly conflict and sets the tone for a fun and funny read.
ReplyDeleteDialog was quite comedic.
I love the sisterly interaction, and especially Rachel's voice. I was pulled out of the story a bit, though, by "The entire fifth grade will never speak to me again." Because she's going to be in a pageant? Why would that antagonize her classmates?
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't read on because of the use of "retard," but that's just my choice, not a reflection on the writing.
Hooked! Good voice, clear direction.
ReplyDeleteThe sister's first line about being the winner felt really mundane. I was pleasantly surprised by the funny interaction later. I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI liked it and would read on! It made me laugh. Very nice portrayal of sisters!
ReplyDeleteYou've set up a nice,edgy relationship between the siblings. That older sister is ace! However - I felt I didn't have all the info (is this an extract from later in your story?). Why is her life over when the pageant hasn't even happened yet (because she's appearing with mom?)? If this is your novel's opening, you need a clearer way of getting us into the story, I think. Though this is certainly a family I'd like to read about!
ReplyDeleteI would read on! I don't agree with the people that have a problem with the word "retard". This sounds like my children bickering back and forth. It does not come across as a derogatory statement in this context. If we remove all the books from the library that contain mildly offensive words what would we read. There is enough politically correctness in the world. Leave it for the "retards" like me, who have said the same things to their sibblings.
ReplyDeleteNot really. Not that there is anything wrong with it. It's well written and interesting but not my cup of tea.
ReplyDeleteI think people are making to big a deal over "retard." Your dialogue is very real sounding.
The fighting between the two sisters isn't enough to hook me. And I'm not a big fan of beauty pageant stories (unless they're twisted, bizarre ones--which I'm not sensing will be the way this goes)
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading for the relationship of the two sisters. The older one, Rachel, was hilarious and seemed so real. Dialogue was fantastic and while words like "retard" and "gay" seem taboo to some people, truth of the matter is, teens and pre-teens use them all the time. Heck, I'm in college and they still pop out of my mouth. I'm definitely hooked. Nice work!
ReplyDeleteNot hooked, but not turned off, either. Make it evident why she's dreading the pageant, why she thinks no one will ever talk to her again. Give us a reason to empathize with your MC. Understanding the why of it all (her fear) allows us to feel for her.
ReplyDeleteAnd you have a disappearing pillow. She throws it, but it never lands of hits anything. Nor does her sister react to it in any.
Hooked me…
ReplyDeleteBecause the characters seem real, there is no info dump, the conflict is immediate… it felt like Paige overreacted a bit the first time she yelled at Rachel, but hey, she’s in fifth grade, so maybe she would. The second time she yelled it was definitely warranted.
Fast-paced - I liked it. The exchange between sisters reminded me of my sister and I when we were younger.
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued to read more!
I like how you give us the pertinent details via Rachel, rather than infodumping. Don't feel like you need all the dialogue tags though, as it's fairly clear who's speaking in most of the lines. I'd read on, though, to see where this is going!
ReplyDeleteI didn't really see a hook in your entry, but I was totally hooked anyway. You have nailed the interaction with the sisters, and your story sounds like a fun read.
ReplyDeleteI loved the dialogue between the sisters. It came accross as real, but I have to agree with some of the the others about the word 'retard' It is offensive to some, but it is used a lot by adults and children.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I wouldn't buy a book that uses that word in that way, but that's just me.
The writing's great though.
Not quite hooked. You did good giving us a typicl sibling argument/torture. Needs to be tightened up a bit. I felt like I was getting the middle of a scene, then you were going to go back to explain later.
ReplyDeleteI like the title. I like the interaction between the sisters. I bet you get a lot of grief for using "retard" in a derogatory manner. It doesn't offend me, but everyone is so politically correct these days...
ReplyDeleteI would read further to see how this comes out.
Like the sibling conflict and some good dialog, but not hooked to read more.
ReplyDelete