TITLE: A Crack In The Dam
GENRE: Fantasy
I had been heading to my room, smiling down at my cupcake. It was huge, probably so Wok could fit “Congradulashuns!” on top. I’d felt bad not eating it in the kitchen in front of him, but I’d wanted to get to the safety of my room.
Then, while tromping through the grass in our foyer, I heard a noise that stopped me cold: the thundering rumble of my brother’s souped-up autopod. My heart reached panic speed before his tires screeched to a stop outside.
A strange thing happens when your heart beats that fast. Your feet start moving before your brain tells them where to go. And that’s how I ended up in the cave, crouching in grizzly bear pee.
Stupid decorative animals. Our foyer had absolutely no good hiding places since my mother had it redone in the “Mountain Valley” style: jagged granite walls and a massive waterfall bordered by shrubs and wildflowers. The falls were flanked on one side by a curving staircase and on the other by a grassy slope with boulders and little ledges for the animals. And the cave.
I had just slipped into the cave (literally, because of the pee) when Derek crashed through the front door.
“Jason!” he roared. “You – Are – Gonna - PAY!”
I heard glass shatter. He must have smashed a lantern from one of the redwood trees just inside the front door. His threats swept through the room like an arctic blast from Grandmother’s wing and I shivered.
This didn't really hook me. I thought the character was a person but then with the cave and grass in the foyer I started thinking they were animals. But I don't picture animals being called Derek and Jason. I think it needs a few more details for clarification.
ReplyDeleteSame here - there was too much going on, too many things I was trying to make sense of to get pulled into the story. Interesting concept, but I think you need to streamline it a bit.
ReplyDeleteDidn't hook me.
ReplyDeleteI think if you jumped into the story faster and saved all the details of the home later, it would help.
Maybe start off with the two brother's right away rather than all the narration.
Good luck!
Is this YA or MG?
ReplyDeleteI was into it until the character ended up in a cave. That confused me. Part of this sounds like the character is in a house, the other part a cave. I agree with everyone else about the details. Let have some action first.
You write with flair and humor. But as others have said, I was disoriented in this piece. I had to read and re-read to try to figure out what was going on. Why start with the cupcake? I got all distracted by that, thinking, did he drop it in the pee?
ReplyDeleteI was more than a little confused here--who are these people, where did the cupcake come from, why is there pee on the floor? I was so busy being distracted by these questions that I am afraid I didn't get really hooked by the story.
ReplyDeleteIt started out fine, with the cupcake, though it wasn't mentioned again. I had a hard time getting past the grass in the foyer. It got too confusing for me to be hooked. You write good and the details were fun to picture. I wondered where to shop for furnishings like that?
ReplyDeleteI wasn't quiet hooked but I did love this paragraph:
ReplyDelete....my mother had it redone in the “Mountain Valley” style: jagged granite walls and a massive waterfall bordered by shrubs and wildflowers.... I didn't really see that coming. Nice.
Maybe cut back a bit on talking about the scenery and get into the meat of the story sooner. Good luck!
Lots of creativity here, but I admit that I was a bit confused as to the who, what, and where. Grass in the foyer? Maybe reading on would clarify.
ReplyDeleteI do like this:
A strange thing happens when your heart beats that fast. Your feet start moving before your brain tells them where to go.
Unfortunately not hooked, though.
This opening seems a bit chaotic. The first para could be more active by using more immediacy:
ReplyDeleteOn the way to my room, I smiled down at my cupcake. The thing was huge, with "Congradulashuns" written across a mountain of green icing. Maybe I should have eaten it in the kitchen after Wok gave it to me but... etc, etc.
Not the best tweaking, but you get the idea, I hope. :-) Change the language to make it more immediate and active. Too, try to loose words like 'heard, felt, had been, etc' whenever possible.
You lost me with the setting I'm afraid, but I loved the observations about what the body does during the flight response. Thanks for sharing!
Er, lose, not loose. I am Queen of the TYPOS.
ReplyDeleteToo much is going on in there to interest me beyond the first few lines. It looks like it's going to be an interesting idea, but I think you're moving a little too fast!
ReplyDeleteWow. You packed a lot into this first page. I could feel the tension, my own heart picking up speed along with the mc. Great job. I couldn’t quite grasp the image of the house though. Is there a ceiling since there’s grass in the foyer and trees and cliffs? It seemed a little contradictory talking about ‘bear pee’ but then saying ‘decorative animals.’ I couldn’t tell if the animals were really alive or just stuffed for decoration.
ReplyDeleteI agree that there's too much going on. But I am curious enough to continue, at least for a while. I want to know what Derek and Jason are going to do. I think that may be the place to start. After she starts down the hall, Derek crashes in...
ReplyDeleteGive description later.
Sitting on the fence.
The writing didn't quite hook me, but I am curious about where this story is going.
ReplyDeleteI'd suggest dropping the first paragraph and just start with something like: While tromping to my room with my cupcake, a noise stopped... (You can always explain where the cupcake came from later if it's important.)
I liked this sentence:
I had just slipped into the cave (literally, because of the pee) when Derek crashed through the front door.
And I also liked the description of the home, but you might see if there is a way to work these details in without slowing down the action so much.
It should start at "A strange thing
ReplyDeleteCreative elements, but I was thrown by the tenses used.
ReplyDelete"I had been heading to my room..." After reading through, using this past-passive type of voice didn't really make any sense to me. It could have easily been "I was heading to my room..." and had the same effect in the overall context. Maybe if this all started with the grizzly bear pee bit...
While I'd likely read more out of curiosity, I wasn't too intrigued by the character 'interaction'. A little brother did something to the older brother from the sounds of it. And while little dude is trying to escape the wrath of big bro, and ultimately we're told he 'shivers', I'm not feeling the blood pulsing through his veins. There's a disconnect for me.
I was a little confused about the setting too.
ReplyDeleteI did like the instinct kicking in, and the pee on the cave floor, but I'm not sure I'm hooked.
Thanks to everyone who commented. I know it's easier to comment when you like something, so I really appreciate you telling me why this didn't work for you. I think you have all given me great feedback on what I need to fix.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Authoress, for this opportunity. What a great group!
FYI - I'm trying to describe a world where people have recreated nature inside, because nature outside has been destroyed. The animals are controlled with behavioral chips implanted in their brains. So homes are filled with tigers, bears, and various sorts of genetically engineered hybrids.
I really liked this. I don't normally read fantasy, but I was hooked by the whole "in medias res" opening. I completely understood, after the fourth paragraph, that his mom had decorated the foyer to look like they're outside (hence the cave, etc)--really creative.
ReplyDeleteYou may need some tightening, but I'd deinitely read on!
I actually liked the setting stuff being thrown in there so casually; I was more interested in why there was grass in the foyer than all the Jason/Derek/brother action. Sorry, but maybe it was too chopped up by description to keep it straight? Oh, and I got the animals being in the house just fine. Like Gillian G, there was too much going on at once. But intriguing! I'd feel more engaged with the characters if I had a better grasp on them from the get-go. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteHer brother crashing through the door is a good start. Lots of good writing here and the imaginative setting is very promising.
ReplyDeleteI think the main problem, apart from the confusion, is the telly aspect.
That first 'had' (2nd word) immediately let me know someone was telling this story. It sets the story up to take place in the past. I'd much rather watch her walk down the hall than hear her tell me she did.
Decide what's important, the setting or the action, then use your first few paragraphs to show it to me.
I'm really confused.
ReplyDeleteIs the narrator a person? A dog? A grizzly bear? Maybe a little of each.
Sorry, but not hooked.
You've created a fantastic world here, and your writing is refreshing, but the amount of setup you've provided in this small space left me gasping.
ReplyDeleteBut I would continue reading to discover just what's going on.
I was ALMOST hooked.
ReplyDeleteI think you have a good concept, with grass in the foyer and a souped-up autopod. But I wanted more immediacy. Take out has, had, was,etc.,to put us closer to the action. Start with the grass in the foyer and leave the decore description for later. Also...
"My heart beat fast. My feet moved before my brain told them where to go, and I ended up in the cave. Crouching in grizzly bear pee."
Love the kid hiding from his brother!
Uhm. I was a little confused with the cave in the foyer. I thought that it was just wallpaper or a mural.
ReplyDeleteI mentally complained about the infodump with the description of the foyer - took us out of his panic.
And then lines like this:
He must have smashed a lantern from one of the redwood trees just inside the front door.
totally confused me.
I guess part of the deal is that this is a fantasy. And the reason why I was confused is I didn't immediately catch on that this was a fantasy setting. Might want to figure out how to make that clearer straight up.
This would be great if it wasn't so confusing. I had to read it three times. I still don't get it though, but I do like it.
ReplyDeleteWith a little editing, this will be great.
I LOVE your concept and your idea, but I'm going to ditto on the confusion. I like the grizzly bear pee - kids love stuff like that too - but I was very lost on what was going on with that.
ReplyDeleteI love your concept, but I agree that you could lose the cupcake reference.
ReplyDeleteAnd what if you mentioned something like "mother is so proud we are the only house in the neighborhood with a 12 foot falls in the foyer. The miller's only have an 8 foot falls," or something to let us know it's not just this family that has this weird home. (of course this is just the first 250 words!)
But you definitely set up the sibling confrontation well. I think you're one revision away from something great.
Doesn’t hook me…
ReplyDeleteBecause there’s just too much unusual stuff for me to digest all at once. I’m so confused by this opener and I love fantasy and all things outside the norm. There’s just too much at once for me to comprehend it all…
I suggest you start with the MC in the cave, trembling at the sound of crashing glass and fearing his brother's anger(?) or whatever the brother is exibiting.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't confused since I figured Mom either reprogrammed the house to look like the mountains or, since this is fantasy, she use magic to make it look like that.
I'm not fond of reading about bodily fluids outside the body, but if you're targeting boys, they seem to appreciate this.
Your writing is well done. Just might rethink where to start the story.
This thoroughly confused me. There was too much going on.
ReplyDeleteThe voice sounds good, but, sorry, not hooked.
Just got off the fence. And since I never pick up a book and just read the first 250 words, having the knowledge of the world they live in, I'm very interested.
ReplyDeleteTighten up the beginning a little, and I'm hooked.
Um, not really hooked, but mostly because I couldn't figure out what setting we were in. You flip from house to plain to cave back to modern house back to cave in less than 100 words, not giving the reader enough time to settle comfortably into this new world before you yank the planks from under our feet. Ditto on the comments that too much is going on here for the first 250 words.
ReplyDeleteThis was too confusing to hook me. You've got some very nice details in here that show potential, but overall too much unusual is going on. I can't get grounded. That's often a problem in fantasies. In the beginnings especially, I think less is more. Let me ease my way in. Slow down with the information.
ReplyDeleteLike I said, all the interesting details suggest a cool story is coming, so good luck with it!
I fear I may have lost my mind or the hallucinogens have finally taken their toll. ;) This entry makes me feel like I'm lost at sea: a cupcake from someone called Wok; an autopod; grizzly bears; caves; a granny with wings. Writer, you have a lively imagination (always good), but we need a few more markers here, I think, to anchor us in the literary storm.
ReplyDeleteI think there's too much introduced and crammed into here too fast. I wasn't sure whether these were anthro characters, or if it was SF (despite the genre description), or what--and I wanted to know what happened to the cupcake, really. :P
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the hints of conflict and action, but I just mostly felt too confused to want to read on by the end of the page.
I think if you slowed down a bit, or else started with the MC in the cave and filled in a few details around that, it might flow better and be hookier.
Good luck,
~Merc
Very interesting set up. Lose the word then before while tromping.
ReplyDeleteFantasy MG? This would be scooped up by middle grade, which obviously none of these critics are. You have definitely got something going on. Hand your MSS out to people in the age group you are targeting. Their opinions are what matters. Let them be beta readers for you. I think the problem with literary agents they forget who the audiences are. Now as far as getting an agent to open their eyes and use some brain cells, I don't know what to tell you.
P.S. I can't wait to meet Wok!
I love fantasy, but this left me confused at first...too much happening/world-building in a short space. A story like this might need to unfold a bit to avoid initial confusion and firmly anchor the reader in the setting or attached to the MC. I think I'd read on to find out a bit more
ReplyDelete