GENRE: MG Fantasy
“I caaaannffgggghhhh…”
It was the last sound that Kate Raddish uttered as she slipped beneath the water, pulled by an unseen current with a mind of its own. She had tried to tell them that she was afraid of the water, afraid of going out in the boat. Now it was too late, and in a flash it occurred to her that she was going to die at the incredibly unfair age of thirteen.
The salt burned Kate’s eyes as her gaze swept upward, seeking something – anything – to grab. Beating the unyielding water with her arms, she clenched her mouth against the painful heaving of her lungs. I want to breathe! I want to breathe! Her world grew smaller, focused only on her need to draw air, to live. Then her mouth opened and her body gave way to its desperate need to inhale. Kate felt herself fading, succumbing to the water’s victory.
In the last moments of awareness, Kate saw – she was absolutely certain that she saw – a woman reaching for her with a long, delicate arm. The woman’s hair swirled around her face, and her storm-colored dress billowed about as if in a violent wind. Her expression was intense and without malice, and something in her eyes seemed to plead with Kate to trust her, to come to her. Kate was not afraid. In the next instant, something grabbed Kate from behind, and she swooned into the blackness of nothing.
Your opening paragraphs set up an interesting moment, giving the reader a sense of another world after death.
ReplyDeleteI think it's a strong opening and leaves the reader wanting more.
Good job capturing my attention.
I really enjoyed it. The description is clear and really grabs you.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if swooned is the right word for the last sentence. When I think of swoon, I think of ladies with handkerchiefs and smelling salts, or lovesick teenagers. That word threw me off from the great imagery.
I really like this all the way down to the last couple of sentences. Then I stumbled just a bit.
ReplyDeleteI think you've set this up quite well, and I can almost feel her panic as she begins to drown. But then you tell us she's not afraid. That threw me. Is she not afraid because the vision of the woman makes her calm, or is she losing touch with reality? It just didn't seem to make sense to call attention to her lack of fear, and then something unknown snatches her into oblivion. I do like that part.
Overall, very nice. You might want to reconsider a few of your "that"s. You could delete a few and not hurt your writing at all.
There was a lot going on in the first 250 words. The drowning, a ghost, maybe. Almost too much mystery, I don't know which to focus on: why she's on the boat, how she got in the water, is she going to die, who is this ghost woman? It's a lot to take in. I think it could be slowed down.
ReplyDeleteI'm wondering why she never choked on the water with all the inhaling she did.
And I'm not quite what the last sound was that she uttered. Was she screaming? Or trying to say something.
I'm kinda hooked. I'd rather get to know and care about your character first before she starts drowning.
Definitely HOOKED!
ReplyDeleteGreat job.
I'm afraid way too many submissions open with a character screaming something weird - it does make me sigh. ;) Your central idea - a girl instantly realizing she's going to die at 13, and it's not FAIR - is a very powerful one and very much worth hanging to. However, you do need to work on the writing a little more; a current can't have 'a mind of its own'; and 'the blackness of nothing' is a terribly overused phrase. Intriguing - if you can find fresh, snappy ways to make this come off the page.
ReplyDeleteI think I'd lose the dialogue in the bgining, but this is a great opener. I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteThe dialogue needs to go. It is hindering this otherwise really wonderful opening. I'm hooked and need to know who that lady was who was saving Kate. I'd also like to know a little bit more about Kate herself and would definitely stick around to find out!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this very much and wanted to read much more.
ReplyDeleteOver all, I thought this worked pretty well. It does seem to be in that middle ground area for me, though. If I were in a book store and picked it up, it's not something I'd tuck under my arm and immediately leave with. It's something I'd hold onto and then browse a bit more to see if I could find something better.
ReplyDeleteYou tend to tell instead of show, and just changing that could make a big difference. Maybe concentrate more on a girl drowning, rather than the imagery of a girl drowning? Perhaps make it real, rather than literary?
This opening scene is too much detail and too little information for me. I'd like to have at least some context of overall time and location this story is set in.
ReplyDeleteAlso, language/word choice doesn't strike me as consistently in line with MG, especially toward the end.
I do, however, love the name Kate RADDISH.
Looking at some of the other comments, why not start with
ReplyDeleteIt occurred to (Insert name) that she was going to die at the incredibly unfair age of thirteen. She had tried to tell them that she was afraid of the water, afraid of going out in the boat. Now it was too late.
I would read on form here!
I liked this very much. I agree that the first word is kind of a turn-off, but from that point on it hooked me. I agree with Sissy about the word "swooned."
ReplyDeleteAnd I want to know who grabbed her. So I would read on to find out.
Hooked! Very much liked the premise; I'd absolutely read on.
ReplyDeleteNit-pick: Personally, I felt the transition from the gurgling first word to the telling narrative in the first few lines was not very smooth.
(I also didn't like the word swooned)
I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteI agree with eveyone else about the dialogue.
Would definitely read on to see what happens next.
Great job!
I didn't like the non-word to start, it threw mw off when I tried to decyper it.
ReplyDeleteNo
I’m on the fence…
ReplyDeleteBecause it’s an interesting concept, lady in the water, portal or dimension involved, but I didn’t really care for it like this as an opener. Oddly enough, the first two paragraphs of drowning didn’t catch my interest. Only the last paragraph did that.
Of course I had to read this--your MC has such a charming name, after all.
ReplyDeleteI found the first half more appealing than the last half, because of word choice. Towards the end I started getting bogged down in adjectives, and I felt the last line, in particular, was a bit overwritten.
But the woman is intriguing, and since the genre is fantasy, I'm hoping for more than just a ghost!
I liked the set up and the immediate tension, but the language could be a little tighter and thus mirror the urgency of Kate drowning. But yes, I'd read on to see what comes next.
ReplyDeleteI would cut the dialogue at the beginning and start it like this: Kate Raddish slipped further beneath the water, pulled an unseen current.
ReplyDeleteI would get rid of the word 'tried' in the next sentence. Like this: She'd told them of her fear of water and her terror of boats. Too late now, her lungs hurt and she silently screamed, thirteen is too young to die.
Whith a little tightening this sounds like a great story. I would read on to see who the woman is.
I wasn't a fan of the first bit of dialogue or the first paragraph. Your story took off in the second paragraph where I suddenly felt like I was right there with Kate. I agree with Secret Agent - your central idea ROCKS!
ReplyDeleteI'm in! I'm one of those people who love reading things that discuss experiencing the things I fear and drowning is one of those fears, so for no other reason I'm going to read this!
ReplyDeleteI also love the imagery...I can see and feel everything that is going on.
I'll admit that the very opening line bothered me, but I got over it quick!
Great descriptions. I could picture going under the water. the last part was startling. I'd read on to find out what happened, definitely.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't breathe when I read the drowning part. I think you did a perfect job with it. As far as the current with a mind of it's own, this is a fantasy. Lots of things that normally don't have a mind of their own, do. Plus I don't know where you the SA comes from, but where I live it is a common saying to say something has a mind of its own. I liked it, and would definitely keep reading! I think a lot of the comments are strictly author's looking for mistakes, and would not be the opinions of your readers.
ReplyDeleteFeels a tad overwritten and not sure what shade "storm-colored" is. Good tenstion with the drowning, definitely an active start.
ReplyDelete"She had tried to tell them" Who is "them"? Her family? some people she met?
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure a drowning person would see her rescuer in such detail.
I figure Kate's going to pass through a doorway to another dimension or land.
I'd read a bit further to see who the woman was.