GENRE: Middle Grade Fantasy
Stella LaPlant had been known to turn down hamburgers in favor of Brussels sprouts, and once again, the veggie-lover found she was in a pickle.
She winced as her arm twisted behind her back. The boy shoved her to the ground. Her sunglasses popped off and her journal flew out of her backpack.
“You stupid cow pie!” Stella smacked at him with her free hand.
He mashed Stella’s face into the roadside weeds. “Eat grass, rabbit!”
“I'm a…vegetarian, not a…rabbit.”
Laughing, the boy snatched Stella's sunglasses and then dug his knee into Stella’s back. “Trying to hide your creepy peepers, freak?”
“I’m…NOT…a…freak!” She strained to look at him with her one green eye, the other blue.
“AHHHHHHH!” Suddenly, he let go.
Stella’s cat, Simon, had his teeth embedded in the boy’s ankle. Hopping on one leg, he broke free and ran, tossing the sunglasses up into a magnolia tree. The cat sprinted after him, nipping at his heels.
Stella groaned. The lemony scent of magnolia blossoms tickled her nose as she picked weed bits out of her tangled hair. Shielding her eyes, she spotted her shades dangling from a branch. The corner of her right eye, the blue one, twitched.
“There’s no way I’m climbing that high.” She looked around and found a long stick. Leaping, she poked at the glasses, not quite reaching them. The waxy leaves moved. A possum peered from behind a magnolia flower.
Another strange sighting! She dropped the stick, grabbed her notebook and a pencil...
I don't know. I'm just a little confused about what she's doing and why she's important enough for the boy to bother her out in the middle of a field.
ReplyDeleteI'm sort of confused too. The opening line threw me a bit. It was a cute play on words, but I didn't see how it related to the story.
ReplyDeleteAlso: She strained to look at him with her one green eye, the other blue.
Most people don't describe themselves. That might be a slur the bully throws at her, teasing her about her different color eyes.
I agree with the others, but I think this is some very, very good writing--distinct and memorable. You're onto something, but we need more of the story to come a bit sooner.
ReplyDeleteI would read on, just to see more of this writing. Thanks for sharing. :-)
Most kids I know would groan at that first line, I'm sorry to say.
ReplyDeleteThis reminded me of an exercise in Gail Carson Levine's "Writing Magic." She suggests a bunch of beginnings and one of them is "I have one green eye and one brown eye. The green eye sees truth, but the brown eye sees much, much more."
I'd read a bit further, though, to see what's up with those eyes.
This is cute, confusing and a little excessive on the violence to start with.
ReplyDeleteThis reminds me of a Romana-esque kind of read. Kids love kid sleuths.
I'd work on clearing up the chaos a bit and, unless her being vegetarian is the main conflict of her existence, tone that down a bit.
Otherwise, your voice as a story teller is rather good and this character seems quite interesting.
I’m in a quandary. I’m not really pulled in. I like the premise of the character being picked on, but it seemed rather trivial for her to be picked on for being a vegetarian. It also seemed really odd to have an ‘attack’ cat. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteI like the character and the dialogue. Very nice.
ReplyDeleteI'm not really sure what I think of this.
ReplyDeleteThe opening confused me, and if it's all about her diet choices, it doesn't appeal to me all that much.
But I realize there's much more to her than this, and that intrigues me, along with the fact that her eyes don't match.
I think what bothers me the most is the bully's reaction to the cat. Often a kid who will bully other kids will also be cruel to animals. I would think if a cat bit this boy he would retaliate rather than run in fear.
I would probably read on a bit, though, just to see where you are going with this. I like your writing style.
I'm confused as well.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't keep reading, but that's due to personal taste. I can tell it's not my kind of story.
Everything Angela said :)
ReplyDeleteReminds me a little bit of Ida B. I feel as if I have a sense of your main character, but something just doesn't click with me. Entirely unhelpful, I know--sorry!
I'm surprisingly hooked. It doesn't have the feel of something I'd like to read and I didn't think I was going to enjoy it as much as I did. I want to read more. A few minor quibbles don't hold me back from wanting to read more!.
ReplyDeleteI'm not hooked. I can't figure it out cuz there's too much going on. It jumps too fast from one thing to the other. You could probably work it out and end up with a good start. the cat cracked me up. Do cats really defend their owners like that? I know dogs do. Would she really be thinking of her eye's being different colors when she's trying to look at her attacker? That is an intriguing thing about the MC though.
ReplyDeleteSemi-hooked. I think you need to work in another way to get at her different colored eyes. Perhaps you could put it in the bully's dialog. Someone I know has two different colored eyes and she said that one of the more annoying things people say to her is that they're like the dogs with the eyes. Maybe the boy can say something like that. Also, the first line - it's a cute play on words but it's also a bit cringe-worthy, and "pickle" doesn't really describe the situation she's in. It's too light-hearted, IMO, for a bully who is twisting her arms and mashing her face into the dirt. But all that being said...I was drawn to her voice and her quirkiness.
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure I've seen a previous version of this. Really like this. Not the boy though. Ugh. *urges cat to bite harder*
ReplyDeleteWhy did she think the possum was strange, btw?
I need to care about your character before I care about her being bullied. Even if its just a line or two that draws me in and reveals something about her.
ReplyDeleteFirst paragraph has a much different tone that the rest.
The biggest hook is her strange sightings. Why not get to that earlier? And then have someone pick on her?
The dialogue & premise were my favorite parts. However, my subjective recommendations are; take out the first paragraph, go directly to the second, after she groans leave out the magnolia tickling nose bit (could be understood as a positive sensation, so why is she groaning?)but leave the picking the weeds out of her hair bit.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I think a possum peering from the tree is not that much of a strange sighting so why write it down? Despite this, I really like the premise and where the story is heading :)
Doesn’t hook me…
ReplyDeleteBecause I didn’t care for the humor in the first paragraph, I wonder why I cat would chase someone unless its magical, the eye thing is cool, but I wish there was a hint as to what that’s all about, I have no idea what possessed the boy to attack her like that, and I generally don’t see where this is headed, which is probably the biggest reason why I’m not hooked.
Not hooked, but I don't know why. The action here just doesn't engage me for some reason. Maybe because there feels like a disconnect between the bully and her later actions. I have a feeling it gets better as the story goes, but this part just didn't work for me.
ReplyDeleteAlmost hooked. I'm not sure what's holding me back, and sorry about that, I know it doesn't help. I do like it enough to read on though.
ReplyDeleteSorry, but not hooked. You start with extrapolation (i.e. backstory) instead of the action of her getting beat up, you switch out of her POV (people don't normally remark on their eye color when not looking in a mirror), and then you fluff off any aftermath of her having her face shoved into the pavement after the fight for sudden interest in an opossum. I remember seeing this posted before and made similar comments then, too.
ReplyDeleteWell, this is unusual - it's not often one sees sprouts and possums in one story! :) If you asked me to guess, I'd say Stella is a woman not a child, so we need to sort that out. And who is this mystery boy? And why is her predilection for veggies such a problem? There are lots of things going on here, and it's not quite adding up for me yet.
ReplyDeleteI know bullies go after anyone they think is weird, but two differently colored eyes?
ReplyDeleteSo, to me, this opening scene comes across as unbelievable.
If Stella's on the ground with an arm twisted behind her, how could she swing at him?
Also, I've never known any cat that would attack an unknown person as you've described. What this cat does is what dogs do.
Sorry, I wouldn't go further.
I like the attack cat, but if it starts to talk, well I' gone :)
ReplyDeleteGreat premise. I think you need to sort it a bit more.
I really loved this one. I love her name and the first paragraph is great. I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteI have to tell you that the comments on this piece STUNNED me. I am in complete disagreement with most everyone here. I found this well written, fresh, and completely UNconfusing! In fact, this entry is my favorite in the entire contest.
ReplyDeleteFantastic title! I'm with Suzette on this one. I think it's fresh and funny and intriquing. I'd read more.
ReplyDelete