TITLE: LEGEND OF THE PROTECTORS
GENRE: Young Adult Urban FantasyThe scent almost knocked me on my butt. The small grey house, with paint flaking off the wooden clapboards, had a nursing home smell. A clean one, but still...
"I can't believe this is happening," I mumbled, sucking in hot, humid air before following my grandpa, Paw-pa, inside. Even the night was hot in Oklahoma. And in the middle of freakin' September, too.
The living room was much smaller than I'd recalled. I stopped and studied the faint memories of childhood. My grandparents' faded wedding portrait still hung above the oversized 1950's television and Mom and Dad's picture sat on top. A beat-up wood-burning stove stood in the corner.
I turned over my parents' picture as I walked past.
Paw-pa stopped in the hall, his long grey braid fell over his shoulder as he turned in my direction. His hand shook a little as he opened the door. "I've got the first room ready." It had been my grandparents'. Paw-pa wouldn't sleep in there after Grandma died. I winced at the Pepto pink walls. I'd have to paint it in earth tones in order to function. To have peace. If there was any such thing in this world.
Dingy white eyelet curtains hung over the window with a full size bed under it. I sighed. To think, I'd liked this when I was ten. My taste had changed drastically in seven years.
Not hooked.
ReplyDeleteIt didn't jump into the story fast enough. We only know that the MC is going to stay with relatives, but nothing else.
It's kind of boring for a first page. We need more info that will make us want to read more.
Just keep editing, I know it takes forever!
I was hooked. I liked the opening, and the descriptions ( I could almost smell that house myself) and I wanted to know why this character was going to live with grandpa. I would have kept reading to find out why a seventeen year old was so jaded.
ReplyDeleteI'm sitting on the fence.
ReplyDeleteI like YA urban fantasies with female protagonists, so I'd read more. Something better happen soon, though. Is all this description necessary up front, or can it be woven in a little bit further in the chapter? Are teens familiar with the color 'pepto pink'?
I did like how you subtly told us how old she is. Good job!
before following my grandpa, Paw-pa, inside I would simply say, "before following Paw-pa inside."
ReplyDeleteNot sure I'm sensing what the conflict will be, other than the fact that she doesn't want to be there. Your description of the house definitely made me think, "Eww, that old-person-house-smell."
I'm on the fence.
I found myself skimming here a bit, wanting to get to the action. Great detail, just a bit too much of it, I think. I like that you started off with a scent, but you diluted it a bit by comparing it to a clean nursing home. I guess after that opener I was expecting something a bit more of a eww factor.
ReplyDeleteTake out some of the details and work in more of the 'why' she's here and what it means to be here.
Best of luck!
I liked the descriptions of the old people house. Very believable. Not sure if I'm hooked yet. I want to know why she has to live with her grandpa and seems to not want to see her parent's faces. It could use a little more conflict.
ReplyDeleteI'm in the "liked it" camp. I especially liked the way you snuck in important information -- the parents are gone, and it's too painful to even look at their photo (turning it down); grandma is gone, because Paw-paw won't sleep in their old room.
ReplyDeleteIt's true that you're not stepping into immediate action and conflict, but I think you've done a very good job of setting up a new status-quo. The descriptions work for me.
I'm really thankful for the comments, and since everyone's on the fence or not hooked, I went back to see where the story started, again. :)
ReplyDeleteThis doens't count, but I wonder if this is a better beginning?
My eyes scanned Paw-pa’s favorite dinner. Old wagon wheels and lanterns on the walls, the concrete floor stained to resemble stone. Homey. Or was that homely?
Four men at the counter joked obnoxiously loud, unaware of others. Before their deafening laughter got any more out of control, a man, well over six feet, rose and sauntered over to them. Wow, he’s beautiful. My palms sweated and my leg started twitching. I felt compelled to run my fingers through his rich black hair, short in the back, a little longer on top, with a hint of curls. He wore a brown deputy’s uniform. His tanned muscles, visible beneath the short sleeves of his shirt, sent my heart into a frenzy.
I twirled my hair around my fingers and smiled. He didn’t seem to notice me at all.
“Sam, pay attention. This concerns you,” my best friend’s dad, Brian, grumbled.
My eyes were glued to the hottie in uniform. The men smiled and quieted down. He returned to his booth where another officer sat.
“What?” I still didn’t look at Brian.
“Don’t snarl at me, young lady. We all have adjustments to make. Don’t take your frustrations out on us.”
I bit my lip and smiled in an attempt to be pleasant. He was right after all, it wasn’t like he or Paw-pa were responsible for what had happened. “Sorry. I’ll try to behave.”
Interested, but not hooked.
ReplyDeleteClearly something has happened to force the MC to be with Paw-pa, but what? Parents probably dead. The rest is just 'landscaping' that didn't appeal to me as much as I would have liked.
It's not that these elements don't work, it's all about delivery and this doesn't strike me as 'wow, now that's an interesting new voice/story.'
Definitely keep working on it until you find your voice.
I'm not hooked either. I did like the description of the smell, but I don't feel I know anything about the character yet.
ReplyDeleteI think the problem is with the first couple of sentences.
ReplyDelete"The scent almost knocked me on my butt. The small grey house, with paint flaking off the wooden clapboards, had a nursing home smell. A clean one, but still."
I'm thinking she is inside when I read about the smell, but then she describes the outside of the house.
You might want to write it as;
My grandfather’s grey house had paint flaking off the wooden clapboards and inside it had the odor of a nursing home. The smell almost knocked me off my butt when I entered. The scent was clean, but the taste got in my mouth as I sucked in the hot humid air.
Lose the first sentence.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, I don't find a hook here (either versions). The section is basically filler. By the end of the first page, I should have some idea what the story is about.
I am hooked.
ReplyDeleteBecause I love the voice.
Although I think there is too much description up front, you don't want to lose all of it.
I would boil this info down to one paragraph, and launch into some hint of the conflict to come right away.
Be sure to watch the passive voice... smelled like a nursing home instead of "had a nursing home smell".
This kid has major parental issues, and I'm ready to get an inkling of what they are!
YES. Because of the first line.
ReplyDeleteI did get a little lost because of the 'Paw-pa'(the word made my eyes squint) and there was a lot of description. But it was good description and set the setting. *waffles*
Nice writing. I'm hooked.
I liked the writing, but it needs something more in the first few paragraphs to hook me.
ReplyDeleteOkay, losing a little description, keeping the first graph, but reworded it a little. :)
ReplyDeleteAnd forget the other beginning I posted, it's staying where it is.
I'm loving these contest. It helps me edit. And although it's "edited" I can think of a few ways to improve thanks to the comments.
So thanks.
Off to read some more...
I don't know why, but this did not hook me. I think that if, perhaps, I had a query letter in front of me (and therefore a sense of what the story would be) I would be hooked--but it felt slow to me.
ReplyDeleteI liked when the narrator turned the picture over.
Personally, I like the submitted version better and would read on. It sets questions up for me: why is she turning the picture over? Why is she there? Why where she grew up? What happened in the intervening years?
ReplyDeleteThere are several elements here that hold my attention. The MC turning over the parents' picture makes me think something happened that I need to know about. The "Pepto pink walls" were interesting. I could smell the house with the MC, but I'd use a stronger word to say it. Like "reeked of a nursing home." or something like that.
ReplyDeleteI liked the description of how hot it was in the middle of summer. It could use a little tightening, and yeah, I might lose some of the other descriptions, but overall I'd read on. :)
Really nice! Great tone. Set the stage very nicely and give us great images. We get to know the MC quite a bit in just a few sentences, the loss of her parents, the loss of her g-mother, living with elderly grandpa, 17. Great. Enjoyed it. I’d read on.
ReplyDeleteDoesn’t hook me…
ReplyDeleteBecause there’s a lot of back-info and not a lot of current goings on that lure me in. She’s moving in with her grandparents, presumably because something happened with her parents… and that’s all I get out of it… not enough to reel me in, sorry
I did like it. We all can tighten up phrases and descriptions over and over again. Personally, I like the description b/c it served a purpose. We saw the house through a deep pov of your mc, which made it relevant to me. And you showed her reaction to the setting, so it felt like much more than just plain old description.
ReplyDeleteI think there was plenty of intrigue with her turning her parents picture over and the biggie - what happened that she has to move in with her Paw pa. Sometimes I like a slow opening b/c it doesn't seem so contrived.
I'd read on.
I wasn't intrigued. What exactly is a "nursing home smell"? Ammonia? Perfume? Disinfectant?
ReplyDelete1950's should be 1950s. No apostrophe for the plural (it's a common mistake, thanks to advertisers).
Most of this is all description with only the MC entering his grandparents' house.
Good writing, however.
I can't get a read on the MC. How old? What gender? It was mostly descriptions so I wasn't hooked.
ReplyDeleteNot really in love with this. There's hints of backstory and plot, but no real present conflict present. Ditto on the comments that this is too dialogue-heavy for the very opening of a novel. Likewise, I kinda don't feel the narrator's POV is strong enough yet, nor original enough, to really hook me into his/her story yet.
ReplyDeleteI've been working on this with you're comments in mind. I know it still won't appeal to the readers who don't like it, but I'm trying to tighten it up.
ReplyDeleteThe scent of Pine Sol almost knocked me on my butt as soon as the front door swung open. I held my breath. The small grey house, with paint flaking off the wooden clapboards, smelled like a nursing home.
“I can’t believe this is happening,” I mumbled, sucking in hot humid air before following Paw-pa, inside. Even the night in Oklahoma smoldered. And in the middle of freakin’ September, too.
The living room was much smaller than I’d recalled. I glanced at my grandparents’ faded wedding portrait above the old television and Mom and Dad’s picture on top.
I turned over my parents’ picture as I walked past.
Paw-pa stopped in the hall, his long grey braid fell over his shoulder as he turned my direction. His hand shook a little as he felt for the knob. “I’ve got the first room ready,” he said. It had been my grandparents’, but Paw-pa wouldn’t sleep in there after Grandma died. He opened the door and I winced at the Pepto pink walls. I’d have to paint them green or blue in order to have peace. If there was any such thing in this world.
Dingy white eyelet curtains hung over the window with a full size bed under it. I sighed. To think, I’d liked this when I was ten. My taste had changed drastically in seven years.
This well written, but I'm not hooked because I don't yet have a reason to care about the MC. There isn't enough tension. Maybe if I knew why she had to stay with her grandfather that would help. As it is, it could be any mundane reason and so it leaves me feeling "eh." I realize that reason could come out in the next 10 words, though, and that could clear it all up. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteNot hooked, All I saw was teenaged angst. No warm feelings when he looked at the parents picture, or at his grandfather.
ReplyDeleteYou have a very nice line in here: 'I'd have to paint it in earth tones . . . any such thing in the world.' I'd have preferred if you'd ended this piece there, instead of going on to more description. There's some nice writing in here, but not a set-up that is especially leaping out at me. 'I can't believe this is happening' and 'freakin'' aren't conveying to me a character who is going to be especially original. I'd love this person to express themselves with a little more freshness? Not easy, I know.
ReplyDeleteYour words are out of order. She walks into the house and it smells like a nursing home. Then what does she do -walk back out to describe the outside, because that is the order you put them in. Your MC seems like a bratty slut (Sorry I know that's harsh.) Using Paw-pa makes her seem immature, but then in your added scene, she is far from innocent acting. It makes her really hard to like, and I don't want to read about her. I don't feel sorry for her, and I have a feeling I should. Maybe somehow that could be shown.
ReplyDeleteOh, SA, here is another MSS starting with a move, but you don't mention it.
I like the voice and some bits of description and hints of character--but I do wish more would happen besides the MC moving in with her grandfather.
ReplyDeleteI'm not entirely hooked but I would read on for the voice and to see if things pick up.
Good luck,
~Merc
Ummm... slut? I didn't get that impression at all. I'm curious to see what the fantasy is and would read more to find out.
ReplyDeleteSorry, not hooked quite yet. Not sure the voice feels YA either. But, I do like the writing and would read at least another page.
ReplyDelete