TITLE: Forever Ever After
GENRE: YA urban fantasy/romance
Kay flopped down on her beach towel. The familiar excitement in her eyes set me on edge. I'd seen that look oh-so-many times whenever she spied a good-looking guy.
"Bryn, you have to see the new counselor who started today," she gushed. "Vali something or other. He's teaching archery."
On the other towel next to mine, Nikki sat up. "Is he cute?"
I shuddered and wrapped my arms tightly around my drawn up, jean-covered legs.
"Not so much cute as impossibly hot," Kay said.
"You mean hotter than Brian?" Nikki stripped off her hoodie to reveal her daring red tank top. Obviously not for our benefit. "So when do we get to meet him?"
"Great," I muttered, "another guy who thinks he's god's gift to females."
Kay seemed to ignore my comment, probably not expecting, of late, anything less. Nikki, of course, threw me a look of pure exasperation and disbelief. How I could disregard the poor guy before I'd even met him?
But I didn't have to meet him to know he'd be no different than the others. My experience with good-looking guys, especially the athletic sort, taught me a handsome face does nothing more than hide a dangerous nature lurking beneath.
I could be wrong, but I think you entered this in the last contest, and it still needed a little work.
ReplyDeleteWell, I'm HOOKED!
Great job! Perseverance pays off!
I like it, but it doesn't read like fantasy to me. YA romance, yes.
ReplyDeleteI did enter it last time and it did under go some major changes. And yes it is both fantasy and romance.
ReplyDeleteI'm not a big reader of romance but it seems like you've hit it here. I assume the fantasy stuff will come later.
ReplyDeleteThe only issue I have here is with imagery in the first line. The first line istantly makes me see a girl in a swimsuit or something, but then the story goes on to show her de-layering her clothes.
I know, this is so nitty and all, but flopping on a beach towel just set up that image. Too, most people delayer then get onto the beach towel so it's all nice and straight and sand free, don't they? I thought about not saying anything, but clearly you can see by my comments that it distracted me enough I had to consolidate that first image I got with all the contray info after it. Anyway, I could be the only person who things this way, so feel free to ignore it, lol. Best of luck with this!
I'll say it's about as good as some other YA romance I've read recently , but it could use a bit of a tightening up.
ReplyDeleteFor one, I have literally no sense as to where they are...on a beach? by a camp lake? on some grass? Plus, it's cold enough to warrant jeans, but another girl shows off a tank-top.
It's too much in the way of talking heads.
There's nothing really wrong with this, it just doesn't grab me...the frumpy friend with hot girls doesn't appeal to me! (That's the impression I get!)
ReplyDeleteNot quite hooked. I think some tightening would help:
ReplyDeleteI shuddered and wrapped my arms tightly around my drawn up, jean-covered legs.-->I shuddered and wrapped my arms around my legs. (Jean-covered sounds awkward; is there another way you can slip in that she's wearing jeans if it's important?)
Kay seemed to ignore my comment,-->Kay ignored my comment,
Also, a typo:
'How I could' should be 'How could I'
I'm not sure about this--I didn't really get any clues as to why it would be fantasy. Also, I think that the sentence structures were choppy--too many interruptions.
ReplyDeleteNot enough of a 'hook' here. Really like romance, but starting off just talking about hot guys doesn't really do it for me. I do like your descriptions and dialogue in her mind.
ReplyDeleteGood writing. Not sure what the hook is, probably the new counselor guy. I'd probably read more to see if it got going more.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Melinda, for your comment. I did have it the way you suggested last time I entered the contest, but someone jumped on it. So I switched it to that individual's suggestion even though I didn't agree with them. Sigh. I'll switch it back now.
ReplyDeleteFor those who are interested. After the contest is over, I will post a final comment so you can go to my blog and see the blurb and a longer excerpt. You'll then see why it's a fantasy. And things I wrote will finally make sense (like the jean-covered legs). Fortunately, this all makes sense to the agent who reads my query.
Not hooked.
ReplyDeleteIt's something we've all done, ogling the new hunk, right?
Maybe not you, John.
So it's hard to write about it in a fresh manner. This beginning seems kind of perfunctory. What is different about this particular group of girls watching this particular boy? If this is a fantasy, there must be something that you can hint at to intrigue us.
I don't think this quite catches a teen voice. Go out and eavesdrop. Go to a showing of Twilight, sit in the food court at a mall, attend a high school sporting event.
I can see the seeds of some great characters here. Ratchet it up!
There wasn't enough happening to hook me, but I love the writing and characters. Maybe add a better hook.
ReplyDeleteYep. Hooked. Great voice - and it is improved from the previous version (which I also liked).
ReplyDeleteNice job.
I think you've done a good job portraying the characters and the whole "girlie" scene. It probably doesn't grab me because it's not my cup of tea, and not because of the actual writing. I guess I'm thinking, why is she hanging out with these shallow, hormone-laden chicks, anyway? ;)
ReplyDeleteI was a little lost at first--I thought counselor meant like school counselor, and it took me a hot moment to figure out the setting.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, I felt the voice was well done and strong, with enough intriguing elements to make me look forward.
I liked it. I would like a stronger sense of place, and I don't quite know what the counselor is, but I like her mention of her experience with good-looking guys. I'm not sure about the names Nikki and Kay - they seem a bit dated.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. I definitely hear a teen voice here, and I think it's absurd to say you can't tell if it's fantasy yet. It's the first page, people!
ReplyDeleteGood writing, too, and great imagery. These are just a few girls hanging out, and I have a sense of it.
I really like your voice. I think alot of girls can identfy with your heroine. I'd love to have a little more sense of where they are. I envision them being on the beach in Malibu, given the other girls prattle. Show me where they are. Good job :)
ReplyDeleteI like the ending because it makes me curious as to why the MC thinks guys are dangerous. Sounds interesting. And is there a reason why she's wearing jeans on a beach? Maybe so if she thinks guys are dangerous... HOOKED!
ReplyDeleteSounds like the great beginning of a budding romance novel. (I’m a big sucker for Pride and Prejudice.) Nice way to bring in the three characters and let us get to know them, especially in knowing the MC. I’d read on. Nice.
ReplyDeleteDoesn’t hook me…
ReplyDeleteBecause it feels a lot like exposition. Nothing really new or unique happens here to peak my interest.
Ahh. A beach in malibu sounds nice right about now. Sign. Too much snow here.
ReplyDeleteFor all of you who wanted a sense of setting, it came after the 250 words. It was used to further show MC's emotional state about something her friends are clueless about. The thing related to the 'dangerous nature lurking beneath'.
As for the comment about dialogue. That IS how teens talk in MY neigborhood.
This is well written with a good voice, but it doesn't hook me. Possibly it's the talking heads. Possibly it's because it sounds like a romance, and I'm just not into those. But that's my problem, not the author's!
ReplyDeleteI'd continue to read, but not sure if I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked, sorry. Why are these girls wearing hoodies and long jeans during the summer on a beach? And there's no mention of plot or conflict thus far, and no sense at all that this has any fantasy elements at all.
ReplyDeleteWell yes, I do (sort of, a bit) want to know what has scarred Bryn so badly. But this short piece isn't making me feel this is going to be something really fresh in terms of plot. And maybe I'm wrong there, since this is an urban fantasy rather than the straightforward romance I'm expecting . . .
ReplyDelete'A dangerous nature lurking beneath' is a little melodramatic. Cliched ('lurking' in particular)? Is there a fresher way to say this?
Let me guess. The new guy is a werewolf, right?
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't read further. Too many characters to keep track of right off the bat. It also seems to be ordinary in plot, from what I can read so far.
Oh god, no werewolves. I don't even like those stories.
ReplyDeleteFortunately the agents who recently requested partials and full manuscripts did find the plot uncommon. But, of course, you can't tell that here.
I "got" that the jeans, hugging legs and shuddering tell us the MC is different from her peers--probably isn't a normal human in one way or another. Or maybe I read too much fantasy! :) The dialogue sounded pretty accurate, too, for teens.(impossibly hot...yeah!). One thing I might suggest: today's teens don't seem to think any type of tank top is daring, no matter how skimpy it is or how cold the weather. If the MC's attitude is part of her "difference," maybe you could give us a hint here. Sounds like a fun story! I'd keep reading to find out about the MC.
ReplyDeleteIt's all odd to me. If it's YA why are they hot about a counselor?
ReplyDeletenot for me, sorry
Bryn is a normal teen, other than a horrible event that happened to her. It's Vali (who is also a teen) who is unique. No he isn't a vampire or a werewolf or any other sort of paranormal creature that eat humans. So over done. But he is from mythology. The story involves the relling of a major xx myth (you'll have to google Vali and myth if you want to know which one) with a modern day slant. No, it isn't a throw-in-your-face type fantasy, but it is fantasy.
ReplyDeleteThis is my favorite line:
ReplyDelete"Nikki stripped off her hoodie to reveal her daring red tank top. Obviously not for our benefit."
Overall this could use some tightening up, but I like the girlie-girl start.
I wasn't hooked till the last line.
ReplyDelete