Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Logline Critique, Round 1 #20

TITLE: The Children of Iris: Discovery
GENRE: YA Fantasy

Two Princess. One world. One Destiny?

Skye has spent her life on Earth, dreaming of a land where snow never melts, and a crystal castle. Now she's told it's real, part of a magical world called Iris.

And she's a Princess.

Cecelia has been kidnapped from her castle, forced to stay in an ice dungeon that could kill her.
She must come to terms with the fact that everything in Iris is changing. Her peaceful world is becoming darker.

Together they must find a way to save their world, otherwise a powerful and haunted King will change everything.


  1. I like the ideas of your story but for a logline it's too long and too much information, you should cut it down to what's really important: who is the MC, what is the conflict, and what is the importance of the conflict. The first line can go completely, and you don't have to do so much description about Skye and Cecelia, also you need to expand more on the conflict that you bring in at the end about the King.

    When Skye discovers that the magical world she'd been dreaming about exists and that she's a princess, she's drawn into a world where (something is happening, this is where you'd say what's happening in Iris). When she meets imprisoned princess Cecelia (I assume she's a princess too?), she realizes that they are the only ones who can save their world.

    Something more along that line could work better for you and take out a lot of the wordiness.

  2. This is a decent query letter, but not a logline. For queries, we think of the book jacket blurb, but for a logline, think more that 1-2 sentence summary on the copyright page. Let's see if we can condense this.

    "When Skye learns that the land of snow and crystal castles she's been dreaming about is real, and that she's its true princess, she'll have to journey there to save it from a powerful King." Now, I know I'm leaving a lot of the information out, but that's closer to the structure that you want for a logline. Think of what you absolutely need to say and leave out all the rest.

    This shows lots of promise. Keep on tweaking and you'll get there!

  3. I'm wondering who is the main character. Is this a double POV? I think it is usually best to focus on a single person for purposes of the logline. I've heard agents hate rhetorical questions so I'd leave that out.

    It's helpful for me to do rewrites on others' loglines - I can see the elements better. This is probably all wrong:

    Skye travels to Iris, a world where the King makes her heir to his throne. However, she finds another princess who will soon die in an icy dungeon. Skye must rescue the other princess and learn to combine their powers or the King will destroy Iris.

    I'm confused about the King. Is he Cecelia's father? From a neighboring kingdom? What are the princess' goal exactly? Do they join forces? I'm also not quite sure about the stakes. Does Skye have to give up her hope of staying in Iris if she rescues Cecelia? The world will change, but how?

  4. This needs to be condensed. Skye finds out she's actually a princess from a magical world, Cecelia has been imprisoned in that world, how do they even meet? I'm a bit confused on the specifics of this.

  5. First, get rid of the first paragraph. It's acting like a prologue to a logline and you don't want or need that.

    Next, you need to set up the two POVs in the same manner. The first one is okay but the second is confusing. Also, I can't figure out what "their world" is since Skye is on Earth and Cecelia is on Iris. If Skye goes to Iris at some point, you have to tell us this. You also should tell us how she gets connected to Cecelia. As written, they live on different planets and one of them is trapped in a dungeon.

    Finally, "will change everything" is too vague. What will he change and why will it be horrible for both Skye and Cecelia?

    Good luck!

  6. From the way you've presented this, my thought is that this will be a story with two POV characters. Unfortunately, I don't know how to make that work in a log line because they're so short.

    I'd suggest presenting it as one person's POV, in this case, SKye's, since Cecilia is in a dungeon. I thought AE Martin gave a good example. Perhaps follow her formula.

  7. I'm not really hooked by this yet. I think part of it is I don't feel connected to Skye -- I don't know what she wants, only that she's a princess and didn't know it.

    AE Martin's example is a lot tighter and better, provided you can fill in specifics ("Her peaceful world is becoming darker" is too vague for me). In that example, though, I'd also add an explanation of why Skye and Cecelia are the only ones who can save the world.

  8. I like your storyline. I'm a sucker for fairytales. But like the previous posters this is far too long. Cut it down to 1-2 sentences. Look back at the Authoresses blog on how to format a logline.

  9. This reads like a back cover blurb but needs to be more specific for a log line.

    What do these two princesses do to save Iris?
    What'll happen if they don't?

  10. To narrow it down for a logline, you might want to write as both princesses, instead of introducing them both and what worlds they come from. "When two princesses from two separate worlds meet in a magical world names Iris....". I don't know, but it might help. Good luck!