TITLE: Swimming With Tchaikovsky
GENRE: YA Suspense/Magical Realism
Consummate rule-follower Sally Hotchkiss arrives in Saint Petersburg prepared for the biggest cello competition of her life. But when her Russian host father is kidnapped by the government and music begins to conjure visions of Russia’s past (complete with clues to help rescue him), following the rules is no longer an option.
I just tried to leave a comment and got cut off by tech. issues. I will try to remember: Basically I really like this one. You might include a little more description of Sally (like age) but I love the "Consummate rule-follower" followed at the end by "following the rules is no longer an option" you have really gotten to the point of your manuscript. I think you have the logline thing down.
ReplyDeleteInteresting elements, but it's a little confusing. She gets the visions when she's playing? The music is telling her to break the rules? Maybe something like this: "Her music conjures visions of how to rescue him, although at the sacrifice of her dreams."
ReplyDeleteIs the music that Sally plays conjuring the visions? Does she understand what's going on? And does the music only affect her or anyone who listens? A bit more clarity would help solidify what's going on and what the stakes are. I like the concept.
ReplyDeleteI like this a lot, but I think you might want to simplify things. Maybe you could just mention that the music conjures visions of how to rescue her host father. Visions of Russia's past is intriguing, but since you can't really explain it within the confines of a logline, it just kind of confuses. All you need here is the impetus for Sally's quest. Otherwise, I think you've got a good tease here. It makes me want to read the book, anyway. :)
ReplyDeleteI really like the first line--already with "consummate rule-follower" I know she's going to have to do some crazy things. I agree that the "conjure visions of russia's past" is confusing because it doesn't naturally tie in to what is happening to her host-father right now. I would also recommend (if it's true) changing "music" to "her music."
ReplyDeleteThis starts out okay but then gets a little confusing. Is the Russian host father someone she is staying with? If so, why does she care that he is kidnapped if she has just met him? You need to connect this challenge to her. Otherwise, our reaction is "so, call the police?" What happens if SHE doesn't act? What happens if SHE doesn't succeed?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
Nice. This sounds so fun - a historic element too. I'd tweak this just a bit. I'm doing a rewrite for all my critiques - it helps me figure things out.
ReplyDeleteConsummate rule-follower Sally Hotchkiss goes to St. Petersburg for the biggest cello competition of her life only to see her host father kidnapped. To rescue him, she must interpret clues in her musical visions of Russia's past, but she won't be able to follow the rules anymore if she is to stop the government's nefarious plans.
My effort isn't great, but I do see what's missing here is a clear delineation of the consequences of failing. Nefarious plans is obviously too vague. Is the mc personally at risk? Is there a greater plot?
Very good. I love the rule mention at the beginning and the end--it feels organized and leads me to believe such thought also went into the manuscript.
ReplyDeleteI liked this, but it is more of a bak of the book blurb than a log line. What's missing here is how this affects her and what she does to solve the problem. It's implied she breaks the rules, but that's vague and not very exciting.
ReplyDeletePerhaps add a bit that says why she must save him. (Unable to count on the local police . . .) and then tells us what she's up against and what failure means for her. That, I think, would finish it off nicely.
You might also clarify the music conjuring images. Is it any music or her music, and is it her music, or her 'playing' someone else's music that conjure the visions?
Hi everyone! Thank you so much for the awesome feedback.
ReplyDeleteI've tried to clarify things and add more of the stakes (without making it too long.)
Here's my revision...
In St Petersburg for the biggest cello competition of her life, consummate rule-follower Sally Hotchkiss is ready – until her host father is kidnapped. Now when she plays music from Russia’s past, she sees visions complete with clues to help rescue him. And when those clues lead to the upper echelons of the police department and various thugs-for-hire start to trail her, following the rules is no longer an option.
I'd love any thoughts you have.
Thank you!
I think the new version is great. She can't trust the police, which is always scary because who else can she turn to? And you cleaned up a lot of what was confusing in the first logline, such as the music that left clues. I honestly don't have anything else to add besides great job!
ReplyDeleteI like your new version. Its a lot clearer. I would recommend reading it aloud to help with the flow a bit. It felt a little choppy to me. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI like the new version better but would still like clearer motivation for her goal. This conflict needs to be personal to her and it doesn't feel like it is.
ReplyDeleteI actually prefer your first version. What about, 'Consummate rule-follower Sally Hotchkiss arrives in Saint Petersburg prepared for the biggest cello competition of her life. But when her Russian host father is kidnapped and playing the cello conjures startlingly accurate visions about his abduction, following the rules is no longer an option.'
ReplyDeleteAnd I just want to know if you need a critique partner, because I'm dying to read this manuscript.
(I speak Russian and my sister is a violinist. I'm so totally hooked.)
This is better - a few things:
ReplyDeleteThe first line needs to be smoothed out and it implies the mc will cease being ready for the competition once her host father is kidnapped. Obviously not the issue here.
"Visions complete with clues" seems awkward. Reword?
Motivation is a problem here. Why does she think it's her responsibility to save the host? Seems like she'd just call the police since as written, she doesn't initially know the gov't is involved. What is it about the visions that she can't ignore?
Nice work with the stakes - sounds much more exciting now.
Hi!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for the continued critiques! It's amazing how helpful it is to get several points of view on these things. You also wouldn't believe how many different versions of this logline I have going right now (though, actually, of all people this group would definitely believe it), but I think all of them are stronger than the original. Thank you!! Unfortunately, none of them yet address Holly's point about motivation because Sally'a motivation comes from the combination of a couple of different things and involves her host sister Irina. And I just haven't figured out a way to address it without adding way too much wordiness and complexity.
Amy, thank you for your offer to critique! I don't need a CP right now, but I'm sure there will be another revision in some form or other in the future for this manuscript, and you do seem HIGHLY qualified! :) Would you e-mail me at annbbraden at gmail so we can connect?
Thank you so much everyone!
Ann
OK,
ReplyDeleteHere's my newest version:
Consummate rule-follower Sally Hotchkiss arrives in Saint Petersburg prepared for the biggest cello competition of her life. But then her host father is kidnapped, and she can’t play music from Russia’s past without seeing visions – visions that contain clues about how to rescue him. When the clues lead her to the upper echelons of the police department, following the rules is no longer an option.
I want to know why she would be involved in finding the host. Is she pushed into the search when she realizes her music holds the clues to finding him? If so, that needs to the.
ReplyDeleteAfter arriving In St. Petersberg for a music competition, Celloist Sally is thrust into a seedy world of intrigue when her host father is kidnapped and she discovers playing musical notes yields the clues needed to find him.
What are the stakes for her? Is he going to die? If so, how will that affect her when he's a stranger. Something has to be at stale for her. What does she have to lose in this?
Hmm - when you lost the thugs you lost the consequences. Mary's is a good shorter one if you get the missing bits in. For short, you'll probably have to jettison the following the rules bit. Here's another version:
ReplyDeleteConsummate rule-follower Sally Hotchkiss arrives in Saint Petersburg prepared for the biggest cello competition of her life. But when her host father is kidnapped, his daughter begs for help. Sally then understands the visions in her music hint at where he is hidden and the clues her to the upper echelons of the police department. Now that thugs are after her, following the rules is no longer an option.
I guessed at a motivation - could be bribed, tricked - I bet you can boil it down to a word.
I'm writer #7 btw
Thanks so much Mary and Heather.
ReplyDeleteHere's yet another revision (at some point I'll just get sick of these words and put it away for a week, but I'm not there yet.)
In St. Petersberg for a cello competition, consummate rule-follower Sally watches her host father get kidnapped and then finds she can’t play music from Russia’s past without seeing visions – visions that contain clues to help rescue him. She teams up with her sassy, determined host sister, and when the clues lead them to the upper echelons of the police department and various thugs-for-hire appear on their tail, following the rules is no longer an option.
Does this do a better job with motivation and stakes?
I think you're about there, but the visions - visions sentence structure does add words. Also, I suggest for the same reason you drop "sassy, determined" as the sister isn't the focus here, just a way to show motivation. Otherwise I think you've got it!
ReplyDeleteYou do probably want a one or two sentence version at the ready though. I saw that the Baker's Dozen will have a 100 word limit, so this one should be fine for that.
This exercise inspired me to write loglines for my two WIPs. They're much better I think than they would have been otherwise and now I can easily answer, "What are you writing about?"
I think you're about there, but the visions - visions sentence structure does add words. Also, I suggest for the same reason you drop "sassy, determined" as the sister isn't the focus here, just a way to show motivation.
ReplyDeleteYou do probably want a one or two sentence version at the ready though. I saw that the Baker's Dozen will have a 100 word limit, so this one should be fine for that.
This exercise inspired me to write loglines for my two WIPs. They're much better I think than they would have been otherwise and now I can easily answer, "What are you writing about?"