TITLE: Pro Bono
GENRE: Mystery
The protagonist’s cop-buddy (Coop) is interviewing her just after she discovered Piper’s body – her friend and administrator of her mega-bucks fund to support injured vets.
“What did her job entail?” Coop asked.
“We have a schedule for payouts tailored from the original 9/11 compensation mega-fund. Piper was more of an anonymous administrator authorized to deviate from the schedule without any red tape. No one can plan for every contingency. So I hired a person with common sense and gave her the checkbook.”
“Sounds risky? Who has oversight on her payouts?”
“I receive financial statements every week, month, and quarter.”
“Kill a tree to save a limb?”
I said, “They’re electronic, knucklehead. Piper also tells me when payouts outpace donations and we initiate another fundraising campaign. The foundation is still paying contractors for Five Angels’ construction.”
“Anything ever look like, you know—”
“Spit it out.”
“Misappropriation?”
“No way.” I gripped the arm rest in protest.
“I’m a cop. I have to ask.”
“You’re not those guys,” I gulped.
“You could be wrong.”
“It’s happened before. I stuck with a perm too long in college, even voted for John Edwards. But I don’t make a habit of it. Piper would never—”
“You even read the bank statements?”
Fresh pangs of shock and sadness seized my throat. “I graduated from journalism school, not Wharton. I sort of—”
“Improvised?” Coop suggested.
I took a moment to respond. “Outsourced.”
Coop hesitated. “The statements are forwarded to Mandy, I bet.”
“Detective, you’re going to want to see this,” Jean shouted.
I have this rule I made up for myself because I write my first drafts with nothing BUT dialogue and often have to go back to fill in. Anywho, my rule is this: you cannot have more than 3 paragraphs of dialogue without a tag or reaction from the main character. You have 19 paragraphs here and maybe 3 reactions and even those are quite minimal. I'd suggest you build up your reactions and possibly combine some of these lines of dialogue. Otherwise, your readers are going to get dizzy from the ping-ponging.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I caught mysf having to reread parts due to confusion over who is saying what. I agree that the dialogue could be easier to decipher and digest if there was some breaks like the previous post.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your work! Good luck!
I like that you don't say he said, she said. Actually, I prefer it. I had no trouble following who said what, expecially since your had descriptive action attached to specific character dialogue. It made for a quick pace and good tension building. But every reader has different tastes and opinions, so go with your gut, with what reflects your writing style. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI didn't have trouble following who was saying what, but I do think it could stand to be fleshed out a little more by adding some body language.
ReplyDeleteI didn't have any problems figuring out who was speaking. I suppose for me what was missing was something indicating the relationship between these two characters. I only knew the MC and the officer interviewing her were friends because of the intro. With a few exceptions (calling Coop a knucklehead, telling him to "spit it out"), this seemed like a more ordinary discussion between a witness/suspect and the investigator. I would have expected more tension between them.
ReplyDeleteFor me, the dialog is super-easy to follow. I don't need a continuing "he said/she said." Some readers like it, some don't even notice. Follow your heart on that one and you'll do just fine. This scene ROCKS.
ReplyDeleteI didn't have a problem following along, and I thought this worked for the most part.
ReplyDeleteI did wonder about the 'saving the tree' line. It just seemed out of place in the conversation. And then the MC talks about Piper in present tense, as though she's still alive.(Which she might actually do if she still hasn't accepted her death, but I thought I'd mention it just in case.)
When she says 'Spit it out' I thought it made her seem kind of dense, because it seems obvious what he's implying. Perhaps let her say 'misappropriation.' or have neither of them say it, and just have her cut him off and say 'no way!'
And you might cut 'You're not those guys.' because when he says she might be wrong, it implies she might be wrong about him being one of those guys. If that's the case, I'd keep it, but I got the sense that he was saying she might be wrong about Piper. And if that's the case, you might cut it.
And even though I could tell who was speaking, I still think you could use a bit more in the conversation. I would have liked to have gotten a sense of her emotional state. Just going by this excerpt, I would guess that Piper was someone who worked for her that she barely knew, but they were supposed to be friends. So a bit of emotion on her part might show that.
I liked this dialog and had no problem following who was speaking, so to echo other comments, go with your voice/ preference. My only stumbles came in physical reactions: gripped the armrest "in protest," "gulped," and "pangs of shock and sadness seized my throat." For me, less is more on these types of physical reactions (I gripped the armrest. My throat tightened). Nice job.
ReplyDeleteI thought the dialogue moved at a good pace. The physical descriptions took me out of the scene a bit ("gripping the armrest in protest", eg, "throat being seized"). I get a good sense of the protagonist's distress without those additions.
ReplyDeleteOne part of the section confused me: "You're not those guys." I'm not sure what that refers to.
I thought Coop's gentle pressing and the protagonist's gradual realization that he suspects embezzlement/fraud was very well done.
He gripped the armrests in protest?
ReplyDeleteWeird analogy and made me stop and think and then I got lost and had to re-read to figure out where I was.
The dialogue works well for me. I do have to agree with others about the action tags. You've already showed us she's upset by her gripping the armrest, so don't tell us that she's protesting. Her actions will show us how she's feeling. Other than that, I really enjoyed reading this - wonderful job! :D
ReplyDeletegood pace; punchy lines.
ReplyDeleteno prob following the speakers.
a winner.
I think you have done a great job. My only nit is something I found in other entries - not using said as a tag. I don't know if that kosher or not - I've read not to use other verbs like shouted, exclaimed - you get the idea. Maybe and agent/ editor can enlighten me .
ReplyDeleteI liked this piece very much. Great title.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I have every gripped something in protest, so it pulled me away from the scene. I also didn't understand the reference to "those" guys, but I understand that this is a small section of a larger story, so it may be explained somewhere else in the manuscript.