TITLE: Air Pirates
GENRE: YA Steampunk
For Hagai's birthday, he receives a stone from his mother that shows visions of the future. The thing is, Hagai thought his mother was killed ten years ago. The bravest thing Hagai's ever done is put peppers in his stew, but when the stone shows his mother alive and in danger, he joins a crew of air pirates to find her.
This feels a little more like the opening of a query letter than a logline. Cut straight to your premise. "Hagai joins a crew of air pirates to save his mother." Now add to it.
ReplyDeleteThe peppers in stew bit is cute, but what trait are you trying to convey with it? Cowardice? Timidity? Decide that and then attach it to Hagai. "Hagai, a complete coward..." "Shy teen Hagai..." Something more like that. That's about all the room you get for characterization with a log line.
I like your premise, and you're very close. Just trim out extraneous bits and you should be there! ;)
I would add more description of Hagai-like what birthday-how old? And add the info from the second sentence into the first and make one concise sentence. But I actually really like the "the bravest thing Hagai's ever done is put peppers in his stew" bit-it shows character and a little of your writing style. But you can condense it.
ReplyDeleteI like this a lot, agree with the previous comments, but wonder how visions of the future equate to showing his mother alive and in danger. He's going to change the future? The stone doesn't show enough future for him to see what happens to her? Seems like you mean a sort of seerstone that shows what's happening someplace else, not the future.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like a great adventure with a "magic" stone and air pirates. Cool. I like the "pepper" bit. It shows character and voice. Perhaps you don't need to say that it shows visions of the future in the first line, since you explain that he sees his mother alive through the stone later. I think you're close on this. Read it out loud and imagine using this as a verbal pitch to an agent or editor and see if you can trim it some.
ReplyDeleteI too would like to know his age, especially since this starts with his birthday.
I'd cut right to the chase: Hagai joins a crew of air pirates to find the mother he thought died ten years ago. What does the stone have to do with it? Does it show him visions of their future together, thus assuring him that she is alive? It's unclear from this logline how they tie together.
ReplyDeleteI'm a little confused about the mother and the stone, in a chicken and egg kind of way. I love steampunk and air pirates though, so if you can cut back on the stone and the mother and get to and expand on the pirates part quicker, I'll be hooked.
ReplyDeleteI think you should merge these all into one cohesive sentence like: "The bravest thing Hagai's ever done is put peppers in his stew, but when he receives a stone from the mother he thought died ten years before, he joins a crew of air pirates to find her. "
ReplyDeleteNext, tell us what challenges he and the pirates face and then wrap up with some kind of stakes like, "If he doesn't find her before X, Y will happen."
Best of luck!
Holly
Love this and agree with the others that just some subtle tweaking will make it sing. (Here's one possible direction - with pepper line included b/c that sealed the deal for me)
ReplyDeleteFor Hagai's ___ birthday, his mother gives him a magic stone. The thing is, Hagai thought his mother was dead. The bravest thing Hagai's ever done is put peppers in his stew, but when the stone shows his mother alive and in danger, he joins a crew of air pirates to find her.
I like your premise. Listen to Miss Holly--I love that cohesive bit she put together.
ReplyDeleteI do feel a little confused as to when the dead Mom gave the stone, but if I were an agent, I would still ask for a sample!
Too bad I'm not!
Good luck!
I agree with Holly, too. She's hit the nail on the head. And I loved the line about putting peppers in his stew. It says so much about him.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to have to second (or third?) Holly's suggestion. I also really liked the voice in your logline. Great job!
ReplyDeleteair pirates really draws me in, because i'm a sucker for airships and pirates. I wish you could slip them in earlier, because, to me, they're the most interesting part of your logline. If you could start with them, i think you'd hook more readers
ReplyDeleteI really like this and agree with many of the comments above. This is a little long for a log line I would think. The air ship is a real hook. Maybe something with a little less?
ReplyDeleteWhen unadventurous Hagai receives a stone that shows the future, (is this future or current events) he discovers his mother is still alive and in danger. He joins the crew of air pirates to find his mother. (What are the stakes?)
I really like the voice of your logline. With just a bit of tightning and tweaking, I think you have something great. Remember, a logline need only introduce the main characters, the inciting event, the obstactle and the event. You have these, just tighten it up.
ReplyDeleteI also think Holly got it right.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like a ton of fun!