TITLE: Rhamiel's Fall
GENRE: Fantasy
Ronnie’s job is to separate shadows from the humans they possess. It should be easy, except the shadows are whispering in their holding cell: her head. The gods know more than they’re telling her, and if she takes too long to figure out the truth her descent into madness will become a one-way trip.
I think you're close here. Is there a more specific word than shadows? Are they demons? Can you call it an exorcism here even if you don't use the word in the story?
ReplyDeleteI've been trying my hand at rewriting others' loglines. It gives me a better perspective on the elements. Feel free to discard - I might be totally off base.
Ronnie is an exorcist for the gods. She imprisons the demons inside her own head but now they're about to escape. If she doesn't make the gods divulge the truth about her job, Ronnie will descend into madness.
The goal needs to be better explained. Just finding out the truth probably wouldn't help the mc. I'm supposing she has to do something with that truth. Also the stakes - are there any consequences for anybody beyond the mc?
I'm a bit confused on this. Ronnie takes the shadows into his own mind, to save the humans. I'm assuming Ronnie's magical and not a human herself. Is this the normal way of doing things? (Seems tricky, since they can simply possess Ronnie.) And are they possessing for a reason, perhaps to share the truth to anyone who will listen?
ReplyDeleteThis is good. The premise is clear, and the stakes are appropriately serious. I agree that you might want to define exactly what the shadows are, so we can better understand why they affect Ronnie like this, or why it's her job and not someone else's. Of course exposition is tricky when you want to keep it short, but it looks like you've got a good knack for keeping things concise. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteMy first concern is that this sounds like everyday life for Ronnie and your story needs to be about something new to Ronnie. Is the "new" part the whispering? If so, re-word the beginning so that it's clear that this is normally easy but has recently become more of a challenge. Also, make it clear that she does this job for the gods so we understand that they are "the bosses" in this scenario.
ReplyDelete"figure out the truth" is a little bit vague and intangible. From what I can tell, what Ronnie NEEDS is to stop the voices, not to find out the truth. If the gods know how to stop these voices, tell us what she needs to do in order to get them to tell her.
Good luck!
Holly
I'm embarrassed to say this for the first several reads of this I thought the shadows were whispering "her head" in a holding cell. I wonder i there's a way to combine the first two sentences and state how her job works more directly (it's a cool enough concept that it doesn't need any fancy ways of describing it.)
ReplyDeleteMaybe something like:
The only way for Ronnie to do her job of separating shadows from the humans they possess is to intern them in her head -- an easy job until they start whispering.
Also I love the one-way trip line. I think you might get more pop from it if you switch "become" to "be."
Great job!
I had the same problem as Ann above, and only got what you were saying after reading the comments. Once I got it, it seemed pretty obvious. But two of us didn't get it, so you may want to consider rewriting that line.
ReplyDeletePerhaps say in the first line that she's doing this for the gods, so we know who is in charge, and make clear that the shadows have just recently started whispering.
And as someone else mentioned, knowing the truth won't solve her problem. Perhaps instead say what she must do to stop the voices or how she finds a way to live with them (whatever it is she has to do). Loved the madness will become a one way trip!
I want to know more concrete details such as what is the truth that she is trying to find? How to separate the humans/shadows? But I though that was supposed to be easy?
ReplyDeleteAlso, if the shadows are in her head, how are they also posessing humans?
I do like the premise but I would want to know more to push me to read a sample.
Good luck!
I agree with replacing shadows with something more specific, unless they are actually called shadows in your story... in which case... hmm...
ReplyDeleteHow about:
Ronnie separates shadows from the humans they possess before the person descends into darkness.
I'm not sure if that works in your story, but it would clarify things a bit. It's a good premise, but the log line does need some work.
I actually loved the first two sentences, but I think you could use a sentence letting us know the stakes--you tell that if she keeps separating shadows she'll go insane...so why doesn't she just stop?
ReplyDeleteWow...could I have made any more typos in that entry? Sorry about that everyone!
ReplyDeleteThis is a little confusing to me. "the gods" "the shadows" Who are they? do the gods control the shadows. Are they one and the same? Original concept!
ReplyDeleteThe first two sentences are solid. I got a bit lost when the gods were mentioned (maybe also mention the fact that their Ronnie's bosses?), and the last bit is too vague for me. I think the stakes should be more specific than "descent into madness." Will the shadows take her over? Will she become a mindless vegetable?
ReplyDeleteI love the beginning. Despite everyone's confusion, I assumed the shadows were just that - people's shadows. Anyway, I also got a little confused at the gods part. Clarify who they are to her and be more specific about her descent into madness and you'll have a winner. Great job.
ReplyDeleteI too thought her he'd was full of shadows. Didn't understand and then the gods bit then when I read comments some of the rewritten log lines make the premise clear. She's sent by gods to separate the shadows from the people. What are the shadows whispering that make things different. That will let me know the stakes. Are they whispering kill the dog or what? Interesting concept.
ReplyDelete