TITLE: Shield & Crocus
GENRE: Fantasy
Renegade superhero First Sentinel has been fighting for fifty years. Over the years, he has failed his loved ones, buried his friends, and watched his city turned into a playground for a group of cruel oligarchs. This city, built inside the skeleton of a long-dead titan, is wracked by magical storms that warp its streets, towers and inhabitants.
After decades of failure, First Sentinel and his team finally have a chance to overthrow the oligarchs…but it means making a bargain with his oldest enemy, a gangster who has bought, schemed, and betrayed her way to the top. If they survive the bargain, his team will have the momentum and resources they need for a full-scale revolution. But can First Sentinel tip the balance of power before the oligarchs hunt him down and crush his rebellion for good?
Hello! This is neat, but too long for a logline.
ReplyDeleteTake some of your key words and focus them. Instead of offering world-building (I know this takes time and we love our worlds), offer your reader the core of the novel's conflict. Avoid too much set-up.
Something like:
Renegade superhero First Sentinel and his team must bargain with an old enemy to spark a revolution and bring down the oligarchy in the magical storm-wracked city of [City Name].
You don't need the first paragraph here. This is all backstory.
ReplyDeleteThe second one is quite good but you need to re-word the final line so it is not a question. Also, make sure you word it something like, "If they don't, the oligarchs will crush his rebellion for good." The point here is to show the consequences of failure. Also, I think you need to clarify the danger of the bargain. To me, it's not clear why making a bargain would put them in danger.
Good luck!
Holly
Lots of backstory in this that distracts from the main point of the novel. Just focus on what's necessary to understand what the main thrust of the novel is. What's the main issue that's being dealt with? What are the consequences if it's not achieved?
ReplyDeleteYou have some good advice here that I think you need to follow. So I'm just going to say that, on the upside, this sounds like a great story. I'd read it!
ReplyDeleteInteresting premise - and I agree with what was previously said. It's not necessary to have all that back story of the first paragraph. Remember, log lines should be short!
ReplyDeleteThis permise is certainly exciting and interesting, but I agree that for a logline perhaps a little too long.
ReplyDeleteI think maybe the first paragraph could go, (I know it's hard when we feel the details are needed) because it seems that the second contains more of the story? Otherwise take the key things, and put them together.
Great though, and clear. I would certainly read on.
I agree with Holly. Cut the first parg. and use the second, but change the last sentence into a statement rather than a question.
ReplyDeleteAnd perhaps name his old enemy.
This reads more like a query letter. I'd go with the other suggestions to cut the first para entirely and maybe just add a quick description of oligarchs in there so we know what you're driving at. Something like 'After decades of failure, First Sentinel and his team finally get their chance to overthrow the oligarchs--a blank blank group of blank blank who blank blank--but it means....' Hope I've helped :D
ReplyDeleteYou could say something like, In order to overthrow the oligarchs, First Sentinel and his team have to make a bargain with his oldest enemy. (Note, you could keep the second part of this, ". . . a gangster who has bought, schemed, and betrayed her way to the top." But I don't know if it's needed for the log line.) If they survive the bargain, his team will have the resources needed for a full-scale revolution. If they don't, the oligarchs will hunt him down and crush his rebellion for good.
ReplyDeleteShortened version.
In order to overthrow the oligarchs, First Sentinel and his team makes a bargain with his oldest enemy. If they survive the bargain, his team will have the resources needed for a full-scale revolution. If they don't, the oligarchs will hunt him down and crush his rebellion for good.
Great! Thanks a lot for post.
ReplyDelete