TITLE: Cloaked In Fur
GENRE: Paranormal Romance
Today was the day. I would come clean and reveal my decision to choose humanity. I inhaled a deep breath, pushed open the front door and marched into the house.
A lone figure knelt in front of the old fireplace, his arm and torso wrapped in blood-soaked bandages. A metallic, nectar-like aroma wafted through the room. “What happened to you?”
Sandulf’s gaze swept over me. “Nothing.”
I raised an eyebrow and curbed my tongue despite the trillion questions tumbling inside my head. He was the alpha after all, but sensing we were alone, I bit my lower lip and huffed. A girl can only rev herself up for so long, and why I insisted on meeting the pack during my lunch break. The short window of time was my escape strategy if their guilt grew too unbearable, not to mention middays were notorious for making wulfkin grouchy. I had it all planned out, but minus a pack, everything fell to shreds.
Sandulf walked toward me, one shoulder sagging lower than the other. “Tell me Daciana, what have you decided?” The hardness of his voice surprised me.
My lips parted and no words formed. I changed my mind. I wasn’t ready to talk about the upcoming ceremony. My head tilted forward, and I waited. His brow lowered atop mine, and I tasted his scent of freshly dug soil beneath the blood. I lifted my gaze and met his eyes, which were the color of black coffee.
Not much is happening. Maybe add more action and don't have independent body parts moving, e.g., his brow lowered. maybe, he lowered his head?
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like an interesting premise. I would think she'd recognize the man in front of the fire right off since she went to see him, and she'd maybe name him then, instead of guess at who the figure is. Maybe mention she wasn't sure who the figure was because of the lighting. Also, the descriptions felt a little forced to me at times. Such as, "His brow lowered atop mine,and I tasted his scent..." I just couldn't visualize what was happening here. Maybe simplify and make your descriptions clearer? I hope this helps - Good luck! <3
ReplyDeleteI agree with the above. Also, there is a sentence fragment that totally threw me: "A girl can only rev herself up for so long, and why I insisted on meeting the pack during my lunch break." I think it needs to be: "A girl can only rev herself up for so long, and THIS IS why I insisted on meeting the pack during my lunch break."
ReplyDeletegood luck.
I thought this was strong. You should read it out loud to catch some flaws in the writing, but overall I think you did a good job setting up your characters. She has a strong voice which I find likable and I like the set-up with her walking in and seeing him all bloodied up.
ReplyDeleteGood hook.
ReplyDeleteMaybe delete: "The short window...fell to shreds."
You can feel the pack hierarchy.
I would read on.
I think this would be stronger if you didn't reveal her decision in the first sentence. Leave us wondering what she has decided that is so important.
ReplyDeleteYou seem to have a very rich world here and I'm intrigued to learn more about it. What does it mean to "choose humanity?" What happened to Sandulf? What's the ceremony? I want to know. :)
ReplyDeleteWith such a complex world, though, you need to be careful how much you front-load. By the end of the page, my head was spinning with all the new, unexplained things. Try focusing on the things she(?)'s experiencing that any human can understand. Anxiety, fear, worry for Sandulf, etc. Slip in the world-building a bit more slowly.
Good job.