Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Logline Critique, Round 1 #4

TITLE: Hunter and Hunted
GENRE: YA Paranormal Romance

A young Huntress is forced to escape her violent family when she saves the mysterious Altair de la Rosa, an old enemy of her parents. On the run and hunted by Altair’s enemies and her own parents, Ciera must embrace who she is, or die trying.


  1. Embracing the self is a bit...general. I need something a bit more to get me interested.

    Also, this is a romance, but I don't get a sense of the romance...

    But this isn't my genre, so I'm looking at this as a complete outsider.

  2. 1. Swap the first sentence around so that what she does to incite the story comes before the reaction. (When a young huntress saves the mysterious Altair de la Rosa, an old enemy of her parents, she is forced to escape her violent family.) Also, it wouldn't hurt to tell us why she has done this so we understand the reason she is putting her life in danger.
    2. "embrace who she is" is not a tangible goal. You need to give us a goal that she can meet and there is no end to embracing who you are. What does she actually do in the end?

    Good luck!

  3. This is pretty good, you set up your plot nicely, but some minor nit picks.

    Your MC is the second person named in the line. If you want to give her name, I would put it first, "Ciera, a young Huntress..."

    Does she save Altair because her family is violent and he's their enemy? Or does she save him by accident and then has to flee her violent family? Adding a word or two might help clear that up.

    This is nicely set up for an escape-y adventure, but I think you should up your stakes a tad more than "embrace who she is." That choice doesn't fit with the urgency of the first half. I'm left wondering what she actually has to do.

  4. Her family is violent, thus she wants to escape? Or they become violent as a result of her saving their enemy? And does Altair escape with her? What does her saving him have to do with finding her own identity? I'm assuming they fall in love, based on your genre, but I don't get a sense of that from the logline. I also got the sense that Altair is older, so it would be an older man/underage girl relationship?

  5. The first sentence does need some work to clarify things. Mainly what Kimberly said - does she need to escape her family before or after saving Altair?

    If it is after you should start with:

    A young Huntress, Ciera, saves the mysterious Altair de la Rosa, an old enemy of her parents. Her family becomes violent with rage and she is forced to escape... etc.

    I'm interested, though. I do want a better phrase than "embrace who she is." Try to get a little more specific.

  6. 'embrace who she is' makes me wonder if she finds something out about herself. I can't possibly guess at what that is though - if I'm even right - and I think that's what you need to add to this.

  7. Cool having to escape her violent family, boring to "embrace who she is." Does she want to bring the two sides together? Defeat one or the other? Where's the conflict going?

  8. I think you could pare a few repeated words (like enemies, parents) and try new ones to give us more about why Altair is an enemy of so many and why the huntress would betray her family in the first place. I like the term "huntress", that's very intriguing. I'd definitely read this.

  9. I wondered if she escaped and was on the run with Altair? If so. you might mention it, which helps with the romance aspect.

    If he's not with her, I wonder why everyone's hunting her down instead of him, since he's the one they hate so much. Seems she'd be an afterthought.

    And while embracing who she is may be the internal plot, perhaps state the external plot, which is the reason the reader reads the novel. What is her goal and what will happen to her if she fails to meet it.

  10. The logline makes me think fast paced, action packed adventure.

    I'm wondering about the line, 'embrace who she is' since she's introduced as huntress, I'm not sure what that reference is hinting at. Perhaps make that more clear to the reader.

  11. This is very good, but I agree with the comments the others made on how you can get this even stronger.

  12. Everyone's comments are great, so I don't have too much to add. I guess I'm just curious as to why Altair is her family's enemy. A quick description of his actions would really make the romance aspect of it shine. And having her fall in love with someone who did, or perhaps didn't, do something so sinister sounds fun.

  13. I agree about switching the first sentence so it starts with when ... and that embracing who she is is rather vague.

    I think a lot of YA is about the main character embracing who they are so if you added what exactly she has to do or how this makes her different from the other YA paranormal girls out there, this could make for an interesting story.

  14. So much potential for conflict here - sounds great!