TITLE: Speck Hawkins
GENRE: MG Fantasy
Speck Hawkins fumbled in the weeds for his thick, black-rimmed glasses. He slid the heavy frames up his nose, as he'd done every day for years, only to discover he no longer needed them. Blurred through the lenses, sunny yellow splotches appeared all over the lake, bright spots against dark water. He yanked the glasses from his face.
Without them, he saw with perfect clarity: marigolds. Ten flowers floated on the water; ten more bobbed up from below the silver-gray surface. They lingered there, floating like dead fish in a stagnant pond, until suddenly they began to deteriorate. Every curve of the petals, each fuzzy green stem—one by one, they shriveled to ash and faded into the water, until every last flower was gone.
A chill turned his arm hair to frayed wires. No birds chirped, no leaves rustled, no wind howled under the heavy gray clouds; there was only silence, thick and deafening. Close to the bank where he stood, a single ripple disturbed the lake's still water, announcing the rock—it floated there, as if it were ping-pong ball hollow. His rock: the only gift he'd ever been given, from the only friend he'd ever had. "It's a good luck charm," Charlotte had said, when she'd handed it to him yesterday. Already, it felt like weeks had passed.
He had to get it back. Needed it—needed the luck. Needed Charlotte's reminder that there was at least one person who understood him.
But as he reached for it, the rock disintegrated to ash.
i'm hooked. i like this kid and want to know why he's so wrapped up in this good luck charm, looking @ the marigolds.
ReplyDeleteGreat description. I can really see it. And the floating marigolds are very eery.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I felt a little like I'd been thrown into the middle of the story instead of the beginning. I wanted a little more grounding.
Also, I wondered why he didn't notice that he didn't need the glasses before he put them on? That seems like something you'd notice.
But I loved the rock . . . brings up lots of questions. :)
Best of luck with this!
I loved this! Very unique start.I like your descriptions but you could pare them down a bit to make your sentences easier to follow...
ReplyDelete(Ex. Every curve of the petals, each fuzzy green stem—one by one, they shriveled to ash and faded into the water, until every last flower was gone. This would sound better if you just said, "Every petal, every fuzzy green stem-one by one, shriveled to ash and faded into the water, until every last one was gone.")
I love the last line...I would read on! Great job. :)
Hi number 26! You have some very pretty writing. I I really love some of your descriptions. (Like this one: No birds chirped, no leaves rustled, no wind howled under the heavy gray clouds; there was only silence, thick and deafening.).
ReplyDeleteI just have a few suggestions:
I agree with the commenter above that it's odd that he didn't notice he didn't need his glasses before he put them on. I would understand if he just woke up and groped for them out of habit, but we're dropped right into an action scene so it seems odd.
The sentence: "ten more bobbed up from below the silver-gray surface." could be a little tighter--consider: ten more bobbed to the silver-gray surface."
I think that "ping-pong-ball hollow" with extra hyphen might be more clear, but check the grammar rules on that.
Good luck and happy writing!
I'm hooked, if only because this is very different and intriguing. I want to know what's up with this lake that makes things disappear into ash. and how that's connected with him being able to see, and the ping-pong ball hollow rock. All very creative. I like your descriptions too.
ReplyDeleteLOVED IT. Love the vivid details, the writing, the way you give us just enough information to get us hooked, but not confuse us (which is often easier said than done).
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely terrific.
I loved the desriptions. They went a long way in creating tone and mood, and you've raised a lot of questions that draw me in.
ReplyDeleteTwo things stood out to me. The glasses has been mentioned. He would have realized right away he didn't need them.
And ping-pong-ball hollow - that seemed clunky amid all the other great writing, and I thought you could just say 'as if it were hollow.' Hollow is hollow, isn't it?
It's a good start with a few bumps. I wondered why he was searching for his glasses in the weeds, and why he did so every day for years but you never get back to this.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your awesome feedback, everyone! I truly appreciate you all taking the time to read and leave your comments. :)
ReplyDeleteHappy writing and reading to you all,
Kayla Olson