GENRE: Upper MG, Fantasy
It was a dark and stormy night.
Tom's handwriting wriggled along the top of the cream colored page like a family of worms on a picnic. Sally longed to hug Tom who chewed the end of his pen and stared at the nearly empty, sheet of paper.
She bent over his shoulder. "You shouldn't start like that."
"But it was dark. And stormy. Some summer nights are like that." Tom wiped his forehead leaving a smudge of ink on his bronze skin. Sally suppressed the urge to wipe it away.
"You should begin with my death. Or with the reason why we live in a tiny room in a stranger's house." She floated around, looking at the few belongings Tom had brought from home. Why was there so little? She turned and watched her brother.
He replaced the cartridge in his fountain pen and didn't look at her. "I'm not like you. I never put my shoes on before my jeans."
Sally laughed. Before her death, her laughter would have moved the wind chimes over the window. Now, it barely reached her own ears. She cocked her head when Tom blinked away a tear. Why was he so sad? She walked to the middle of his table and bent down. That way, he should be able to better see her freckled face with the wide grin. Worried she gazed at him as he squeezed his eyes shut. Why did he behave so strange?
I'm hooked! I like this one alot. I was surprised to find out that the MC is dead. Great twist. A few suggestions...I don't think you need to describe the paper as cream colored- just paper is fine. I also think it might sound stronger if you said, "Sally longed to hug him as he chewed on the end of his pen and stared at the nearly empty, sheet of paper. I like the description about the wind chimes and the sound of her voice. The last sentence threw me off, because Tom didn't seem to be acting strange, but to her, maybe he was. I would read on to find out why. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteHooked! Great voice, supernatural twist, and delicious descriptions - what's not to like :) Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteI started off thinking it was Tom's story, but once Sally is mentioned, it's clear she is the POV character. Still, I imagined her to be his mother and wondered why you were telling a MG story from the POV of an adult.
ReplyDelete"You should begin with my death.' made me sit up and pay attention. That's the line that will grab your reader, I think, so you might get it in sooner. Perhaps move it up to right after "You shouldn't start like that. You should begin with my death.'
The cartridge in the fountain pen was a nice touch to let us know this happens in the past.
Once I realized she was his sister, rather than his mother, I wondered how old she was. Her voice, to me, seemed much older than MG. I really did picture her as an adult, and once I knew she wasn't, I imagined her as a teen.
Perhaps make her age evident, and if she is in the MG range, make her words fit her age.
Not much to add to what the other comments have said. I really enjoyed this. There's a tone and feeling here that I can't quite find the word for~ but I like it! Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteDecide who is telling the story - Tom or Sally. From the title, I would have thought Tom, but this scene is from Sally's POV. That said, I love the premise and would read on.
ReplyDeleteReally great beginning! Hooked, for sure. I had a little confusion at the beginning over the MC, too, but that's easily fixed.
ReplyDeleteReally great writing!
I agree that Sally seems like the POV character, and (at least in this scene) seems much more intriguing than her brother. Of course, she's a ghost, so that helps.
ReplyDeleteI'd not start with Bulwer Lytton's opening line. I think it's a weak gesture, especially when (as Barbara pointed out) you have an awesome opening line all of your own.
"You should begin with my death." is an amazing opening, and a great hook.
I'd read on, but for Sally's sake. If Tom ends up the POV, I'll need more convincing to continue.
Thanks for the comments. This beginning is a little bit difficult to criticize on its own because of the word limit.
ReplyDeleteSally is Tom's older sister (14yrs old) and I wrote her POV as chapter prologues of ca. 500 words before Tom tells the story about what happened from his POV. The two lines eventually merge.
So, yes, this snippet is from a POV older than MG but it sets up the action and emotions for the MC's bit.
nice plot going on--one comment--unless she was a little child, it should be "why did he behave so strangely" and not "strange," as it's an adverb describing how he behaved. i'm a grammar freak, sorry.
ReplyDeleteI liked this. I would turn the page. I think you could, as suggested, cut down some of the first part and get the death line closer to the front, but I think some of the things you have there are important. I want to see both characters before I find out she's dead. And I think you can hint more clearly that she can't touch him. Maybe:
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Tom's handwriting wriggled along the page like a family of worms on a picnic. Sally longed to hug him as he chewed the end of his pen.
She bent over his shoulder. "You shouldn't begin like that." She wished she could wipe away the smudge of ink across his bronze forehead. "You should begin with my death.
<<<
The latter part is a little clunky. First, there are only the two of them, so you can quit calling them by name so often. Second, in your first 250, every word has to count. You want every sentence to pop and do a specific job. I think you can cut the following:
--> Why was there so little? (You tell us that with "few possessions") She turned and watched her brother. (We know because this is her POV and she sees him change the cartridge).
-->and didn't look at her.
There are things in the last paragraph I'm not sure I get:
--> her laughter would have moved the wind chimes over the window (do people think that way about themselves?)
--> She cocked her head when Tom blinked away a tear. Why was he so sad? (Why wouldn't he be sad? She's dead. Surely she realizes that.)
--> Worried she gazed at him as he squeezed his eyes shut. Why did he behave so strange? (Why does she think he's being strange? Because he's sad? Seems expected to me.)
On second thought, if this is a very short prologue... I might offer a little different advice. Introduce them, talk about him writing (leave out the storm stuff) and mention the things about them being in a strange place and having so few possessions. Keep it entirely weird and awkward so we're still wondering about it. And then in the very last line (if the prologue is short), have her look over his text and say he should start with her death. That leaves the prologue with a real question. As is, I'm not sure where you're going or if there's another question, bigger than how she died, at the end of this to pull me into Chapter 1.
Good job though. Nice hook.
Argh, you're killing me with the last two lines here. It should read: "Worried, she gazed at him as he squeezed his eyes shut. Why was he behaving so strangely?"
ReplyDeleteThose kind of mistakes really turn off agents and editors--remember that we are all grammar geeks.
BUT, I do love some stuff here, like when she says: "Why don't you start with my death?" That is GREAT, totally sucked me in.
I would keep reading here. But it doesn't really seem like Upper MG to me, it feels a little young.
Sorry for the grammar mistake. I'm doing my best, and I work hard on improving my grammar. The only excuse I've got for that is that I'm German. I'll try to not let it happen again.
ReplyDeleteYou're doing great if English isn't your first language. I would suggest that prior to submission you have a friend proof everything for you or hire a copy-editor.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the advice. I'll follow it.
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