Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Logline Critique, Round 1 #25

TITLE: Better Run!
GENRE: action adventure

Down on his luck, Rick Johnson figured he'd lost everything – his home, his wife, his confidence, his job, even his mojo.

When beautiful socialite Renée Simpson barged into his life Rick figured his luck was about to change. Unfortunately he was right.

At an exclusive California resort Rick is mistaken for someone with the same name. Not only does he become a marked man, he's given the design for a computer chip that will change the world's balance of power.

Now everyone is gunning for him - the Department of Defense, the FBI, a cadre of corporate goons, a deadly Chinese agent and one really pissed off, armed, Renée Simpson.

Not ready to confront his enemies or hang with his new foreign friends, Rick comes to the brilliant conclusion that he'd...

Better Run!


  1. This needs a lot of cutting down. A log line needs to be only a few sentences, so you need to really pack meaning into them. Something like: "Down on his luck, Rick Johnson figured he'd lost everything until the beautiful socialite Renee Simpson barged into his life. When a case of mistaken identity lands a design for a computer chip that could change the world's balance of power into Rick's lap, he comes to one brilliant conclusion: He'd better run.

    Obviously you can sum up better than I can, but you have to cut a lot. Good luck-it sounds really interesting.

  2. Would someone give away a revolutionary computer chip based on a nametag? I'm not buying that premise at all, not in a day when everyone's photo is on FB. One would think whoever gave Rick the chip would know something about him first.

    Although, it's nice to have the whole world after you.


  3. Yes, its long and all setup. Albeit good setup, but we need to know what happens. Yes, he's going to run - that's where you should start. On the run, Rick must (do something) or else (big bad happens). Try to keep just to your MC for your logline, other characters just make it confusing. I want to know what Rick does and why he does it. Good luck :)

  4. The others said it all; I have to say that I was amused by the ending. Risky, but it made me smile.

  5. I'm not sure why he was given the computer chip based solely on his name. And we know he'd run, but what are the consequences if he gets caught? And why is Renee after him if she knew him prior? Was she using him to get the chip and then was double-crossed?

  6. I'd suggest you cut everything before the inciting incident and just give a short description of the main character. After that, tell us what his goal is. "Run" is not tangible and has no end. Where is he running to? When will he stop?

    Good luck!

  7. I love paragraphs 3 & 4! Rebuild the logline starting with those n' you've got a WINNER!

    GOOD LUCK! ㋡

  8. Needs to be trimmed down to one or two sentences and cut all the back story (though this was well-written and interesting). What is the MC's main struggle? Finding himself? Recovering his identity? Saving his life? You need to figure out the stakes and then work a sentence around that. Good luck :)

  9. I'd suggest using pargs. 3-4 for your log line, followed by what his ultimate goal is.

    Now he must --
    Regain his identity?
    Save the world?
    Safely disappear?

    (Whatever his ultimate goal is)

    . . . before they find him. I think it's evident that getting caught means death.

    But I'd also suggest saving the original version for the back of the book blurb for when it's published. Clever!

  10. This is more a query than a logline, but you've got the right elements here (I rearranged the wording a bit):

    "At an exclusive California resort, down-on-his-luck Rick Johnson is mistaken for someone with the same name. He receives the design for a computer chip that will change the world's balance of power and becomes a marked man."

    Tack on who all's after him, and maybe a hint of what he plans on doing about it. Then trim out every word that is not necessary, and I think you've got it.

  11. I agree with the above advice. Sounds like you have a great story, but a logline is only a 1-2 sentence description of the characters and plot. Good luck!

  12. martintj hit the nail on the head. Take their version and give it your own twist and you should be all set.

  13. Way too long. Read some of the other examples and construct something that tells us about your character in a few words, and the obstacle he faces and the stakes if he does/doesn't achieve his goal in a few sentences. It's hard but it can be done.