TITLE: The Witch Hunter's Bible
GENRE: YA Paranormal Romance
After discovering she's a witch, a high school cheerleader sets out on a virtual suicide mission to a recover a book which, if allowed into the wrong hands, contains the power to kill every witch on the planet.
I like your log line. The only thing I would cute is -which in the wrong hands. I think it it would be assumed that if that book was in the wrong hands it could spell certain doom for the heroine.
ReplyDeleteNice work. Interesting subject. Thanks for sharing!
very zingy and to the point!
ReplyDeleteVery short and intriguing! Would definitely make me want to read on.
ReplyDeleteGood start here. My big question is WHY is this girl in particular the one to set out on the mission. If she just learned she's a witch, why is she the best for the "virtual suicide mission" to recover the book?
ReplyDeleteAlso, just a little thing, but I'd change "which" to "that" to avoid two different words in the same sentence with the same sound (witch and which).
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ReplyDeleteFun premise. I might add her name in with the fact she's a cheerleader to make it more personal, and I'm wondering how she discovered she's a witch. Is there a way to add that in without getting too long? Even something like... 'When head cheerleader *name* uncovers her heritage as witch/ or...is given a place in the local coven, or whatever you come up with...then continue with the rest of the longline.
ReplyDeleteIntriguing. Love the title. Does the book itself destroy or do its contents destroy?
ReplyDeleteYou did a really good job with this one--very short and concise. I did have a few nit-picky comments--it seems odd to say its a "virtual suicide mission" when, if she doesn't do it, she will die with all the other witches. I also would like to know (if there's a way to work it in) why she has to be the one to recover the book--aren't there other, better/experienced witches who could be in charge of getting it back?
ReplyDeleteI don't think you need "if allowed into the wrong hands" . Seems like a fun read!
ReplyDeleteGood premise. I would question why it has to be her (give a name?) that has to recover the book. Why is she the only one who can?
ReplyDeleteI love witches, and I love impossible missions. Sounds like a book I'd really enjoy reading.
ReplyDeleteLove it. I do agree with the first comment. The fact that you used the word recover says it's already in the wrong hands. Cut that bit, and this is awesome!
ReplyDeleteOkay, the first thing I want to know is WHY? Why does she want this book? My next question, is WHO is going to try to stop her? "If allowed into the wrong hands" is not an antagonist. Is there someone else who wants the book too? Are they close to finding it?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I like that it's snappy and to the point, and yet that's also sort of a problem, because it's vague. Why does she set out on this mission? Obviously, because she doesn't want the book to fall into the wrong hands--but why is she the one to stop this from happening? Why is this her story, in other words, and not some other witch's? I'd also like a more specific antagonist than just "the wrong hands".
ReplyDeleteAnd I'll add my voice to the others saying you don't need "if allowed into the wrong hands". Not only because it's vague, but also because the book contains this power regardless of whose hands it's in, right? So that phrasing doesn't make sense to me.
Also, you list the genre as "Paranormal Romance", but there isn't even a suggestion of a romance in this logline. Perhaps it's a paranormal with romantic elements? From what we've got here, it doesn't sound like romance is your main plot.
Despite my nitpicking, though, I still liked this. I would be intrigued enough to pick up the book after reading it, probably; I just think it can be even stronger.
Good luck!
I thought this was okay but could be better if you replaced the vague with the specific.
ReplyDeleteWhat's her name?
Why must she do this as opposed to someone else?
Who or what is she up against? Who else is after the book, and why do they want to kill every witch on the planet.
I like it. Short and concise. The only part I had to re-read was "virtual suicide mission". Maybe it's me, I don't know, but I'm not entirely sure what that means. Does it imply that she's erasing her virtual identity?
ReplyDeletei thought this was short and to the point. My only issues were the lack of a character name, which i always prefer in a pitch, and to cut a few of the witch/whiches, since there are three of them and in such a short pitch they really stand out
ReplyDeleteI like this. It gives the main character and the stakes. It just doesn't say why she's the only one who can get the book.
ReplyDeleteAlso, unless you show the romance in the log line, I'd probably relabel it as YA urban fantasy.
Nice and tight. I like it. My only comment is that the book already contains the power to do damage (she doesn't have to recover it for that to happen). She must find it before the antagonist (you should mention who/what that is) does bad things with it. Otherwise, great job.
ReplyDeleteIt looks like everyone has already suggested the one or two things I had to say, so I thought I'd just add a 'good job'. This sounds like an awesome book. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, everyone! Your comments are very appreciated :D
ReplyDeleteNice title. A few nits - when you said 'virtual' I thought of virtual reality for some reason. I'd use a world like 'perilous' or something to indicate how dangerous it is. I'm also wondering how the cheerleader finds out about the book, and what the obstacle is. The stakes are nicely outlined, but what is standing in her way? Why is this mission so dangerous? You've got room to go into a few more specifics.
ReplyDelete