TITLE: Side Effects May Include
GENRE: Chick Lit
Penelope is a severe hypochondriac who only leaves her apartment to see doctors. Delilah, her best friend, reminds Penelope that there was life before her fears imprisoned her. Scene from Chapter 1.
“I have a life.”
“Oh yeah? Let me tell you what you did this weekend. You cleaned the apartment. You worked. You read. You listened to music. You diagnosed yourself with skin cancer. You worked some more.”
“Ha! I didn’t diagnose my skin cancer until today. Shows how much you know. But, other than that, yes, you are right.”
“I know I am right! Penelope, you need to get out of this apartment!” Delilah saw Penelope opening her mouth to speak and she stopped her, “And going to see Dr. Glover or Dr. Jane doesn’t count.”
“Why not? I get out of the apartment, don’t I?”
“In the physical sense, yes, but you need a social life that goes beyond your interaction with your doctors’ receptionists and me.”
“I know, Del, but,” Penelope’s voice went quiet, “I’m scares me out there. There is so much that could, I don’t know… get me.”
“I understand. Kind of. I know it’s hard for you. But I remember the Penelope that wasn’t scared all of the time. You remember, the girl that had fun and loads of friends. You used to get sick all of the time. Cold allergies, the flu - none of it phased you. I miss that Penelope. Don’t you miss going out to dinner? Going shopping? Any of it?”
“Sometimes.” Penelope fidgeted with the spoon in her coffee cup and took a deep breath. “Listen, I am trying, but I am afraid you are stuck with this Penelope.”
A lot of what will help this dialogue is to tone down the formality. Every single sentence was a complete one, and a lot of the time, you didn't use contractions. Natural conversation is mostly fragments or run-on sentences, and we always use contractions unless we're trying to seriously emphasize a point.
ReplyDeleteAlso be careful to make sure your characters are fully grounded in the scene. Right now they could be doing anything. Give your hypochondriac a rag, or something. Then she'll be cleaning away. That builds character and grounds the pair.
I'm intrigued by what's going on here! Great job.
I'm in agreement with Taryn. The sentences are a little stiff and seem to be used for an information drop. I too struggle with using dialogue to succinctly move the story forward.
ReplyDeleteAlso, it seems unnatural to me to always use one's first name while addressing them.
I am intrigued by the story line and appreciate that you shared your work.
I agree that this is a little too formal and info-dumpy. If these girls are friends, I would expect them not to talk like one is the other's psychiatrist.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I think this needs more reactions from the main character. Not sure who this is but whoever it is should stop to consider what is being said. Does she think she is lying or being lied to? Is she really worried or trying to make it seem better than it is?
Finally, we need a bit more information about what is going on in the scene. For example, we see Penelope fidgeting with a spoon near the end so I assume they are sitting at a table or something. What else is happening? Is Penelope acting like someone with phobias (maybe cleaning the edge of her cup before she takes a sip?)
Good luck!
I quite liked this, although I do agree some of the sentences are a bit formal.
ReplyDeleteOne question I had was how Penelope feels when she says "I didn't diagnose my cancer until today." It would probably be answered if I'd read what came before, but is she ashamed, is she defensive, is she trying to be humorous? I'd just like to know a little bit more about what's going through her head (assuming she is the MC).
I also agree - use more contractions so that this reads more like converstaion and less like a speech. Also, watch little errors like needing a comma between cold and allergy, unless you're talking about an allery to cold :) Loved your lead in - sounds like a great story! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteOk, the paragraph about what she did last weekend was hilarious. "You diagnosed yourself with skin cancer." I love that. I agree about loosening the dialogue a little. For example, in the paragraphs after the one I just mentioned, I would've ended the dialogue after "Shows how much you know..." Great premise & funny! Well done.
ReplyDeleteYou've got some good action tags going toward the end, but adding some more would address Holly's comment, too.
ReplyDeleteI really don't have much else to add. As mentioned, the dialogue could be more natural sounding with sentence fragments and contractions. Maybe add some action/movement to the scene. I think playing with the spoon is the only movement here. And perhaps give us a bit more of what Penelope thinks. What's her reaction to the things Delilah is saying to her?
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like a fun premise!
I haven't got much to add, just a nitpick: it's "fazed" and not "phased"
ReplyDeletei really enjoyed the storyline here and i think your title is awesome. i'd definitely keep reading!
ReplyDeleteI agree with others regarding the formality/completeness of the dialog. Could add some valuable character nuance with chopped speak, etc. Love the title, and the story line. Also, love the para with the self-diagnosis. This can go a long way. Would definitely read more!
ReplyDeleteI agree with the comments above. More contractions. More half sentences, phrases would better represent the way people actually speak.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your feedback! I really appreciate your comments and will keep them in mind as I am editing and polishing.
ReplyDeleteI thought the "what you did this weekend" line was gold... especially given that I diagnosed myself with skin cancer *last* weekend. Keep that line. The rest of the dialog was pretty formal. More contractions, more partial sentences, more action cues. But the gist is there, and I think it has potential.
ReplyDelete