TITLE: I'M GAME
GENRE: YA Sci-Fi
In Dodge's world, extra arms and legs are just another pricey operation, just another advantage in a high-stakes competition called the Game. Unable to afford anything better, Dodge takes a chance on an unknown operation, but he finds himself transforming into a monster - a beast with claws, bloodlust, and a hunger for raw flesh - and now, instead of fighting to win the Game, he must fight to keep his humanity.
Unique idea. I think you could shorten and clean this up quite a bit though. Get rid of filler words like "just". Don't have him find himself transforming, instead "he transforms into..." I really like the "instead of fighting to win, he must fight to keep his humanity" part.
ReplyDeleteI love this idea! I do agree that you could tighten this up just a tiny bit - I think your opening line could be cut down to: In Dodge's world, extra arms and legs are just another advantage ...
ReplyDeleteI do really like the last sentence though - it totally hooks me :) Great job!
Ditto ilima and Jamie. If you cut this down and smooth the prose, you should really have something. The concept is FANTASTIC, and I even love the title:)
ReplyDeleteVery original, but I agree with the others, it could be tighten up a bit. Sounds like a good story.;-)
ReplyDelete1. I'm confused about the unknown operation. Does he not know what he's going to get out of it? Like it's random...you might get some extra arms or you might get a sixth toe and an extra pair of eyebrows???
ReplyDelete2. Your protagonist doesn't seem to be actively pursuing a goal here. What does he want? To win or to keep his humanity? If it's the latter, this is not tangible. You need to tell us EXACTLY what he would need to achieve in order to say, "I'm done."
3. The whole "finds himself..." sounds like something that happens to him rather than conflict he must face. I'd suggest you re-word so these sound more like actual obstacles to his goal.
Good luck!
Holly
I like this idea, and yes, I agree with all the other comments here.
ReplyDeleteI am instantly curious about the villain. Is this a novel of internal conflict, or is the villain someone manipulating the character into losing their humanity. If the villain is someone else, it might be nice to know about it.
Good Luck with this.
I might replace "unknown" with something more descriptive like "black market" or "back alley.". Also, what exactly does "keep his humanity" mean and what specifically must he do to keep it?
ReplyDeleteGreat concept. Good luck.
Thanks for the suggestions, everyone! Wonderful advice.
ReplyDeleteHolly - yep, that's exactly right. The surgery is a roulette. You could get something totally useless or something worth a thousand times what you paid.
As for the conflict, it's definitely man vs. self. Dodge has zero control over what's happening to his body, and it's a gradual process rather than immediate. If he can escape the Game, he can stop the transformation, but he's trapped. Basically, he has to battle to keep control of his changing personality and body, because if his new instincts get out of hand, he'll slaughter his teammates (aka his best friends). And these struggles are all happening while he deals with the challenges of the Game.
Again, thanks!
Please be careful to differentiate this book from The Hunger Games by Susanne Collins. Right away state what differentiates your setting from hers. I can see the addition of technology but the setting sounds identical so be careful when describing it in your first sentance.
ReplyDeleteI like the character's inner conflict and your final cliff hanger sentance about humanity. Well done!
I immediately thought of the Hunger Games. Others may, too.
ReplyDeleteWhat I wanted to know - What are the high stakes in this competition? Life and death, or something less? Why is he in the competition?
The ending sentence tells us what he must do to solve the internal conflict, but as Holly pointed out, keeping his humanity isn't something you can see or touch. Tell us about the external conflict. What is going on in this game? Why is he there and what is at stake?
Right off, I was hooked.
ReplyDeleteI would like to know more about the stakes of the game.
I don't immediately see how to tighten your logline, although I agree that it has to be lean - in fighting trim, so to speak.
Great work! I didn't read Hunger Games (my bad), so I don't know how similar it might or might not be, but I would definitely read this.
I think this logline could do with some trimming. Is the part about extra arms and legs really necessary to mention if Dodge's operation is "unknown?" For your first sentence, maybe try "In Dodge's world, people will pay anything to alter their body--so long as it gives them an edge in the Game..." The "bloodlust" and "hunger for raw flesh" is also repetitive.
ReplyDeleteI do like the premise though.
Ah, the Hunger Games comparisons - knew it'd happen. I'll work harder on distinguishing the setting. I love Suzanne Collins, but these days she's been my nemesis! :P
ReplyDeleteThe stakes of the Game are this: Dodge lives in the slummiest, grungiest part of Fring City, and winning the Game would get him and his family spots on the Century - the space cruiser set to colonize a Planet Far Far Away.
Love your suggestion, Jessica! I'm just worried it won't come through as more than cosmetic surgery if I don't provide a concrete example. One of those author-paranoia things, you know. XD
Great concept, but if he's no longer fighting to win the Game, doesn't that invalidate the premise? How about if his motives for winning the game are changing? I.e., instead of saving his family, he just wants to kill and feast. Now he doesn't want to leave the planet, but wants to stay in the Game as long as he can, destroying all challengers.
ReplyDelete