Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Logline Critique, Round 3 #1

TITLE: Graceful Death
GENRE: YA Paranormal

Insomnia almost drove fifteen-year-old Grace insane. But one mistake puts her in the clutches of death, literally. Now Grace has to work for the ancient Underworld demon that tricked her into donning a reaper's hoodie and search for a way out of this mess with as few souls hanging in the balance as possible.


  1. Insomnia isn't the hook. It's agreeing to wear death's hoodie (which is awesome). I think if you start with the hoodie, it'll be stronger.

  2. I like this line! I think Grim Reaper stories are really fun. My only nit pick here is I don't quite get how your first two sentences tie together. What does Grace's insomnia have to do with the Underworld? What exactly was the mistake? Did she make it, or did someone else? Add a little clarification, keep the punch you've got, and I think it will work!

  3. I agree with Janice. I would bring Reaper's hoodie to the front and start with that.

    There is a disconnect to me with how insomnia ties in with the rest of it. Is the mistake a result of being sleep deprived. If so, I'd make that clearer.

  4. I agree with T.L. exactly - I would feel a much stronger connection with the conflict if I knew a little more about how it came about. But I *do* want to know how the insomnia ties in...can you combine those first two sentences into something that more clearly defines the inciting event?

    Nitpick- I'd also replace "search for" in the last sentence with "find" - makes your MC sound tons more determined, which I'm sure she is. :)

    Sounds awesome! Wishing you so much luck with this!

  5. Nice hook. I'd read it. I think you can lose the part about the insomnia. Start with Grace putting on the hoodie and realizing it is a mistake, maybe up the ante with the souls hanging in balance? Does she know any of them?

  6. Intriguing idea! As I think is mentioned, when you say "But" in the second sentence, it should be referring to something that was just said in the first but the two don't seem to tie together. I'm sure just a little tweak will get this flowing smoothly!

    I would perhaps remove the word "literally" as it seems somewhat overused and I think the seriousness of the situation (death is pretty serious!) packs enough of a punch that "literally" is superfluous. Just my opinion though.

    I'd read on! I really like the last line! :)

  7. This could be really cool. What's the connection between the insomnia and dying? I would try the suggestions above and see how it reads.

  8. I have to agree with the disconnect from the insomnia to a mistake. Is there something about the insomnia that has her making mistakes because all that is mentioned is the insane part.
    After that first bit, though, you have me:)

  9. 1. I don't really see the connection between the first two sentences (which really need to be one, by the way). Are you trying to say that her insomnia almost drove her insane and did cause her to make a mistake that put her in the clutches of death? If so, you really only need the latter part.
    2. This inciting incident is way too vague. What kind of mistake was it and what do you mean by the "clutches of death"? Is the Grim Reaper holding her neck in his hand?
    3. Why does she have to work for the Underworld in order to get out? I don't see the connection here.
    4. What mess? I thought she was in the clutches of death.
    5. "as few souls hanging in the balance as possible" -> this is vague too. How will her attempts to escape the mess affect souls and why? And why does she care?

    Good luck!

  10. I love the concept here, but do think you need more specifics. If the first two sentences relate directly to the third (being tricked into wearing death's hoodie), that should be clarified. You might want to eliminate them, though, because the hook is that she's been tricked into becoming a reaper. From there, tell us specifically what the mess is (get out of the job, I assume). That leads us to why she might not want to (souls won't move on, or something to that effect?).

  11. Great title! Sounds like an interesting story. Maybe include what the mistake she made was.