TITLE: Grace Under Fire
GENRE: YA Suspense
I could pinpoint the exact moment where I went wrong.
3 weeks, 2 days, 22 hours, and 33 minutes ago.
At that time, I didn’t know a small decision would be such a big deal. And now, I knew I’d never be the same.
My only choice was to run. I couldn’t stop or I would die.
At the boring age of sixteen.
A montage of events from the last few weeks unraveled in my brain. In just a few short weeks, my world had changed. My family ripped apart. My heart crushed. My once-quiet-small-town life forever obliterated.
A barrage of bullets sprayed a row of trees to my right. A tide of adrenaline crashed through my veins. I weaved through the forest’s brown pillars like a barrel rider in a rodeo. Left, right, left, right. Gnarled branches, shaped like broken fingers, yanked at my hair and sliced my skin. I struggled against the carpet of twisted vines that looped my ankles. Tears mixed with mud stung my eyes.
I flew around the corner and ducked behind a mammoth Sawtooth Oak to catch my breath. Above me, voices echoed through the woods. I forced down the panic crowding my throat and focused on my plan.
If I could get back to Luci, I might have a chance.
I peeked out and scanned the crowded forest. Light punched through the green canopy, blemishing the brown backdrop. The woods grew quiet as a graveyard at midnight.
As if I was already dead.
I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteGreat action and imagery going on there. I can see everything and feel all the tension as I read it.
The line "At the boring age of sixteen" is the only line I keep looking at. I can't decide if I like it a lot or hate it! It certainly sets the character up in many ways.
Goo action. I like that you just jump right into it. However, if you're telling it from the present and this all happened 3 weeks ago etc, it should be in past tense. That was a little confusing. But I'd read on to see what he's running from and if he got to Luci's safely.
ReplyDeleteI like this. A few things though:
ReplyDeleteIn the Gregg Reference Manual, spell out the number that begins a sentence, as well as any related numbers.
Three weeks, two days, twenty-two hours and thirty-three minutes ago.
Now, that said, no one can really agree on this, but it's always better to err on the side of caution ;-). If your book is picked up, you can hash that out with your editor.
The other thing, she's running from a hail of bullets and yet she takes the time to name the oak she hid behind? If she's being chased, how is it she hides 'behind' an oak but the ones chasing her are 'above' her? And the blemishing the brown backdrop is alliteration. Try not to do that. ;-)
That said, this one, I would keep reading.
I thought this was fabulous. I love the voice and I was definitely hooked.
ReplyDeleteI thought you could take out the commas on "Gnarled brances shaped like broken fingers..." I also thought you might want to break up the "once-quiet-small-town" life. Maybe "once-quiet small-town" life? I found it a little hard to read.
One last thing, and again this is minor, but the barrel rider comparison stuck out at me because in barrel riding there are only three barrels, and you don't go around them in that order (plus it made me picture the narrator going almost 360 degrees around the trees, which I don't think you were going for). That could just be me, but it stopped me reading for a minute.
Anyway, great writing!
I'm definitely hooked. The only part that made me slow down reading was the paragraph after "At the boring age of sixteen." I think if you skipped that paragraph and went straight from "boring" to "bullets", it would read better.
ReplyDeleteThis is one of my favorites so far, so I would definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI loved the setup in the first 4 paragraphs. I stumbled on the 5th ("the boring age of sixteen"), because really ... isn't sixteen one of the most non-boring ages for a teenager?
Paragraph 6 slowed me down, and I think you could probably lose it and integrate that information in a little bit later.
Paragraph 7 was the most exciting for me, but I would suggest that you should limit the similes/metaphors in this paragraph, as trying to visualize them all twists the mind in wildly different directions.
I agree with Amanda's comment about the oak. In a scene this fast-paced, I wouldn't expect such a detailed description of the tree she's hiding behind.
I want to know more about this Luci! Very intriguing.
The alliteration in the next to last paragraph is jarring.
I love the graveyard comparison, especially given the sentence that follows. But due to all of the comparisons earlier (barrel rider, broken fingers, carpet of vines, canopy/backdrop), I didn't appreciate it as much as I felt I should.
I LOVE your first two lines. What a hook! I want to know exactly what happened three weeks ago. I am left wondering whether your MC is a boy or a girl, but it didn't take away from the action. Great start!
ReplyDeleteI liked the action and the voice.
ReplyDeleteOne place confused me, where the mc flies around a corner. I was crashing through the woods with the mc and a corner implies a road or a trail and I didn't think he was on one.
Also, I'd take out the adrenaline through the veins cliche.
I'll need to learn something about the mc soon to make me care about him. It doesn't have to be on the first page but it should be soon.
In the first line, "I could" implies to me that you could tell me but . . . maybe you're not going to. Maybe say "I knew" instead.
ReplyDeleteI think if you left out the "sixteen" paragraph and the one after it, the scene would flow more smoothly. (I have trouble with transitions, too).
Boring age of sixteen conflicts with previous words,,,because what you're writing is exciting!
ReplyDeleteThere is some lovely imagery in this paragraph: A barrage of bullets sprayed a row of trees to my right. A tide of adrenaline crashed through my veins. I weaved through the forest’s brown pillars like a barrel rider in a rodeo. Left, right, left, right. Gnarled branches, shaped like broken fingers, yanked at my hair and sliced my skin. I struggled against the carpet of twisted vines that looped my ankles. Tears mixed with mud stung my eyes.
I would definitely read on.
Fantastic opening sentence.
ReplyDeleteHorrible follow up.
Just because the narrator can pinpoint the exact moment, we don't need it spelled out for us. I almost stopped there.
And clearly, sixteen's not such a boring age if all this is happening.
Not hooked. This is all over the place. I'm biased against first-person in the first place, because it really takes a lot to pull it off, and this just doesn't have it. Third person limited might be a better choice.
Fantastic hook, great voice, amazing action. I loved this.
ReplyDeleteOnly a one of the descriptions bugged me. When you referred to the voices coming from "above" her, I couldn't picture that in my image, so it pulled me out.
Other than that, well done!
(Without reading other comments...)
ReplyDeleteLOVE this. There were a few minor things that could be tightened (like removing the sentence "A montage..." and grammar things like missing commas and verbs), but overall you kept me reading and wanting more.
I was not expecting the bullets, and you had me from then on.
Good luck!
Cool - yes, hooked.
ReplyDeleteI liked the opening for this, though the countdown numbers threw me a bit off. I was looking for it to be a little more precise, like a date down to the second hand.
ReplyDeleteI paused on the boring age of sixteen line. Maybe just leave it at the age of sixteen, unless there's something more to imply why the main character would consider sixteen boring.
I'd take out paragraph six and skip right ahead to the bullets flying. The paragraph doesn't do much and it's more telling than showing. It eases slowly into the next paragraph and cuts away at the suspense.
You've set up the hook of your story, so jump right into the action.
Otherwise, love the voice. YA of this type wouldn't normally hook me, but the writing is good. I'd read on.
I wondered where we are. I needed more setting and to be a bit more grounded. You've got the suspense part down, but I wanted to know about the MC. Play around with lines about "A montage," and maybe get more specific. You mention the last few weeks twice in that paragraph, and waste good space/wordage. I do think a lot of 16 yr olds believe their lives are boring. It's the premise of many books/television/and movies. I would want to read further, but think there's some work to be done. Good Luck!
ReplyDeleteHannah6
Hooked. Would definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I agree with previous posts about taking out "boring 16"
(not a boring age for most) and the paragraph about "montage of events" - almost stopped reading, thinking I was about to get an info dump, but instead I got a barrage of bullets. Glad I kept reading! Love the voice.
I'm hooked, loved the ending line, but there are a few things: This is not boring and 16 usually isn't. Don't think you need to spell out here and now (maybe later!) when this happened. If this is what happened 3 weeks ago, it needs to be in past tense. I know what you're trying to do with the tears and mud thing, but it drew me out of the story.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I'd read on.
Maybe I'm way off base, but isn't all of the action happening "now" real-time? As if we've been thrown into the moment as it's happening, and the MC merely had a second to flash back in regret for having put everything in motion three weeks past.
ReplyDeleteDon't know if ANY of that makes sense (^_-) but that's how it appeared first read through, so there was no past-tense confusion for me.
I agree with the suggestion to spell out the numbers.
Interesting opening. I'm not a big YA fan, but I would have turned the page.
I'm with anonymous. I see this as happening now. The day things went wrong was in the past, but the chase is happening now.
ReplyDeleteI didn't like the opening. It set me up to think you were going to explain things instead of tell a story, and you did that for a little while. Not horribly long, so it wasn't that bad, but I'd suggest starting with the action right away.
Questions I had.
I flew around the corner -- the corner of what?
Why are the voices above her?
You say the forest is crowded -- crowded with what? I imagined you meant the people shooting at her, but if that was so, I don't see the woods becoming as quiet as a graveyard. I think the noise and voices would gradually quiet down.
And why are no more shots fired after the first barrage? Why don't we hear voices, footsteps, etc.
Not hooked
I'm hooked! The outward action against her inward thoughts sets up some nice tension. Her running through the forest is well described,it makes it seem like even the trees are allied against her.
ReplyDeleteThe end of the selection is great too, I love it. I'd be turning the page :).
Sorry, not hooked. The first bit was all telling. And then the narration shifts right into the action of (I'm assuming) three weeks ago.
ReplyDeleteI also got hung up on the boring age of sixteen and the Sawtooth Oak.
I've gotten some great advice about writing tragic events. Make the reader care about the character before the tragedy is revealed. Then the reader feels it.
I've not read other comments
ReplyDeleteThe paragraph beginning 'A barrage of bullets was full of conflicting images for me.
Tides don't crash. Waves do.
How can gnarled fingers yank AND slice?
Carpets don't normally loop.
It was such an overwrought paragraph that everything else became lost after it.
Sorry - I'd pass on this one.
I am hooked on this one, if you cut everything before "A barrage of bullets..." THAT is where you need to start this novel. I want to know what happens next.
ReplyDelete*Posted without reading other comments*
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. My only comment involves the fifth paragraph. I don't think any sixteen-year-old would consider that age 'boring'. Young, yes. If you put, 'At the young/tender age of sixteen', or just, 'At sixteen', I think that would be an improvement.
I love the line "At the boring age of sixteen."
ReplyDeleteWell done.