TITLE: THE UNICORN TAMER
GENRE: Young Adult Fantasy
“I’m not gonna eat you!” Emma said as she chased after the surf scoter, who splashed away, pecking blindly at the gloves around him. Emma held up a hand to stop Jim, a nurse at her mom’s animal clinic, before he could make a grab for the bird.
“Not like that,” she whispered. She looked at the scoter, his little chest heaving as he tried to swim away – the oil clinging to him like a black straitjacket. “We’re gonna scare him to death before we can actually save him.” Emma took off her gloves and passed them over to Jim.
“You’re asking for a bloody finger.”
“How would you feel if some strange looking alien lunged at you with these huge rubber things? I’d freak out, too.”
“Taking off the gloves doesn’t make you look more like a bird,” Jim pointed out.
“I’m thinking bird thoughts,” Emma replied as she crouched down in the poisoned water.
“It must not be very comfortable," she said, wading toward the scoter. "Did you ever see Hitchcock’s ‘The Birds?’” She paused. “No, well, I didn’t think so. I just saw it in Lit class and in this movie, all these birds rage this war against humans. It’s pretty scary with eyeballs being pecked out and stuff.” The scoter ruffled whatever feathers he could and cocked his head at her.
“Now, I know we did this to you, but we’re trying to fix it. I hope you can, you know, tell the other birds. Please don’t peck our eyes out.”
Sounds like a bird rescue out of an oil spill. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteGreat! I'm hooked. I'd totally read more. Good voice and I instantly get a good handle on the MC.
ReplyDeleteEmma puts me in mind of a six year old chasing birds at the beach. I can't quite understand what a YA Fantasy entitled UNICORN TAMER has anything to do with an oil spill, and bird rescuing. If there were some hints about what sort of world they lived in, that suggested it wasn't the absolute normal world, that unicorns were the norm, then it could be more intriguing.
ReplyDeleteAs it is, I don't see the fantasy, and I can't get into it. Not hooked.
I'm hooked. The way Emma takes her gloves off to handle the bird makes me like her. I'm assuming she's going to use those same skills on unicorns at some point, so you're showing me something important.
ReplyDeleteI also like the humor with 'The Birds' reference. I think you've got a great voice and a very likable main character. Terrific job.
Love the MC! I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI have read all the posts and though I am not sure why, your character Emma seems the most developed of all of them. Could be just me, but I already have a strong sense of her personality which is pretty tough to accomplish in 250 words. Great job. Not sure I am hooked, but I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. The character and situation have me, so I hope that there is some building off of this to make it work as a whole story.
ReplyDeleteThis is cute. There's a nice voice here, and I learn a lot about Emma's personality in this small section.
ReplyDeleteThis isn't my prefered genre, but I really can see the right age group getting into it. And I'm interested enough to keep reading, even with it being outside my genre.
Nice work.
Perfect first sentence. Instant hook for any reader just scanning through your book.
ReplyDeleteI love your characters already. Interesting dialogue and an instant connection with Emma.
Your MC seems interesting enough, I would read on. Good job.
I'm a little confused about the setting. Something made me think that this was at a regular vet, but then you mentioned her crouching in poisoned water.....
ReplyDeleteI am hooked though.
First, I will say that I like the voice, and the main character seems likable and interesting. My biggest issue is that it's YA Fantasy, but we're dealing with saving birds at an oil spill? Maybe something drastic happens that is fantasy-related soon and this is just an issue of the 250-word cut-off, but I don't get the fantasy vibe at all.
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading, but unless something fantastical happens soon, I'd probably put it away.
I like this because the your MC is kind, the dialogue is interesting and someone's begging a bird not to peck their eyes out. I'm hooked!
ReplyDeleteI love the voice of this character and the interaction is funny. Im intriqued by the environmental aspect it suggests.
ReplyDeleteI'm not hooked - but the selection itself was fine. Nothing tangible. Just not hooked. The only thing I can think of is the disconnect between the title and the first page.
ReplyDeleteTo be honest, the first time I read it I thought it was well-written but it didn't really draw me in...probably because I was wanting to get into the fantasy part of things.
ReplyDeleteBut I reread it, and now I'm hooked. I can see how this is setting up what's going to come. And I think Emma is very lovable. I cared about her instantly in both reads.
I love the dialogue. The first paragraph threw me. I don't know what a scoter is so I'm immediately looking for context. Then you say bird. But then you say swam away so I'm thinking fish. You might want to pick a more recognizable name for a bird.
ReplyDeleteThe diologe would keep me reading for a few more pages. I'm not sure you have a fantasy here unless they transport? Their world seems like ours. Maybe magical realism?
This sentence "Emma said as she chased after the surf scoter, who splashed away, pecking blindly at the gloves around him. " threw me out of the story. I had to read it too many times and "Surf Scoter" is not something I've ever heard before. I know that's silly, but when I pick up a book, I don't want to get Wikipedia out to look something up. Maybe farther into the book, but not right at the beginning.
ReplyDeleteI did like the rest of it, just a suggestion. Good luck.
Surf Scoter threw me out too. I thought you had a typo and then you had to work hard to win me back.
ReplyDeleteBut you did it. Humorous character, empathic, well-characterized. Good job.
Same for me with 'surf scoter.' I kept trying to figure out what kind of a bird it was. I did know it was a bird though.
ReplyDeleteThe writing is good, but I find myself looking for the fantasy aspect more than I'm paying attention to the story.
And the birds *wage* war, not rage it.
I loved the title, it made me laugh out loud, as did the last line with the "Please don't peck our eyes out." Very original and fun.
ReplyDeleteI didn't have a clue what the surf scooter was either, though, and found myself glossing over that part. Other than that I thought your voice rocked.
Good luck!
This is not hooking me at all.
ReplyDeleteWhat is a scoter? And what does it have to do with unicorns? I'm confused as to what Emma is doing, and what that has to do with a fantasy novel.