TITLE: Lofty Minds
GENRE: Young Adult
I skulked down the sidewalk, next to my twin brother Alex. I made the streetlight ahead of us on the left go off. Across from it, on the right side, Alex snuffed that streetlight out. I turned the next light out on my side. It was midnight and sure most people would be in bed, but why take a chance of someone seeing us? I felt guilty about taking money that wasn’t mine. But we didn’t see any other way for a couple of newly orphaned fourteen year olds to finance our … escape. So I pushed the guilt away.
We stopped across the street from the plain brown brick building. Our destination.
“You ready?” Alex’s voice echoed in my mind. “Crap, someone left the light on in the lobby.”
“That happened two nights ago, too. I’ll turn it off when we get inside. You know where to keep watch, right?”
“Yes, Zax. Just hurry and grab the money.”
Since Alex would have gotten claustrophobic, I had to get the money from the vault by myself. He panicked easy the last couple of years since … the accident. But his anxiety had gotten even worse these last few days. He would have to keep a level head to get through this.
“Let’s go.” We walked across the street. I found the lock on the glass doors with my mind and unlocked it as we approached.
“The security system and cameras aren’t on,” Alex said.
“Hmm...” I felt uneasy.
Interested but not hooked...I'd probably read a little more to see exactly what was going on.
ReplyDeleteI got a little confused about the lights going out, perhaps suggesting a supernatural thing going on here that I wasn't expecting.
But I would read on, so I guess I'm sort of hooked...
The first sentence made me lose interest. I thought if you got rid of that and made the second sentence first, then I'd be hooked: How did he turn off the streetlight? etc.
ReplyDeleteThis might just be me, but when you said "my twin brother Alex" I felt the information was being handed to me on a platter. I'd rather just know he was Alex, and figure out via dialogue or later hints that he is the twin brother.
If they needed to finance their escape, would they really choose such a highly guarded building with security cameras and alarms? I found that a little hard to grasp.
I am curious about the characters, though. How DOES he switch lights off?
WOW!!! This is really, really GOOD! :)
ReplyDeleteYou hooked me from the first sentence, when you mentioned "my twin brother." The hook got even deeper with your super-cool sentences 2 and 3: " I made the streetlight ahead of us on the left go off. Across from it, on the right side, Alex snuffed that streetlight out."
COOL SH**!!!
I am totally digging this, there is YA tension all over the place, it's easy to read, easy to follow. COOL, COOL, COOL! BRAVO!!
I'm iffy. I think you have a good premise, but I felt like there were issues with it. First I feel like we're being told a lot as opposed to shown. Also, you have some word repetition in here that's unnecessary and something that I always trip over when reading.
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, I might give it a bit longer because their situation intrigues me, but if the other issues didn't disappear, I'd be done sooner rather than later.
I think I remember this from the DtN last week and I still like it.
ReplyDeleteI love the way they go down the street turning off lights.
"Since Alex would have gotten claustrophobic"-- How about "Since Alex was claustrophobic" instead.
I do have to say, whether it's the situation or the dialogue (I'm not sure which), they seem older than 14 to me. Maybe 16 or so.
You have an unclear modifier to begin with:next to my twin brother Alex modifies sidewalk and I know you meant "I" is next to Alex.
ReplyDeleteIntriguing that two guys walk down the sidewalk turning off lights.
There are a lot of allusions to other events: clausttrophobia, accident, robbery..Something that happened two nights ago,Can you ease into all these obviously important events?
I'm curious and would read on, I want to know why to YA's are apparently robbing a bank?
Ehh... Not hooked. I didn't like the first sentence, and the lack of detail about why they're putting out lights, and how just convinced me that this wasn't worth it.
ReplyDelete(Without reading other comments...)
ReplyDeleteThe dialog and super-power-esque elements worked for me, but I'm afraid the piece didn't really grab me.
The turning off the streelights thing set a very slow tempo for a scene that is apparently about a heist.
Also, the allusions to their dark past felt too much like intentional teasing on your part. I'd prefer to wonder why these young boys are about to rob someone than wonder about the very blatant elephant in the room.
Good luck!
Yes, I'm hooked<:
ReplyDeleteI like this piece and your whole premise. I remember it from last week. I don't mean to be a buzz killer, but the turning out of the lights really reminded me of Dumbledore turning out the lights in the first Harry Potter movie. And I think most YA readers would remember that as well.
ReplyDeleteThat's not necessarily a bad thing. I just wanted to point it out to you.
Well, I think I saw this in the Amazon contest earlier this year and I like what you've done with it. It works better now and I think I'm hooked enough to continue reading at least through the first chapter.
ReplyDeleteI'm interested - I like the premise, but wasn't into some of the word choice. Not hooked, but I'd give you a few more paged before I decided on it.
ReplyDeleteThis one is well on its way, I think. It starts in the middle of action and has some intriguing elements, which is excellent. You make us wonder about the powers that these two have and how they got it.
ReplyDeleteTo be worked on:
Punctuation. The first sentence has a comma where there shouldn't be one, and is missing a comma where there SHOULD be one. (Should be: I skulked down the sidewalk next to my twin brother, Alex.)
Telling after you've shown. The phrase, "Why take a chance..." shows us that he's getting into something he shouldn't. The next sentence is telling and isn't necessary. If the fact that it's guilt (not some other feeling) is important, show us that later.
I, too, was slightly confused about snuffing out the lights. Once I got it, though, it was intriguing. If you can find some way to portray that more clearly AND more quickly, it'll make this that much stronger.
The italicized quotes. Italics are often used for thoughts, of course. But they don't go with quotes. Pick one or the other.
"I'll turn it off." See if you can find another word that normal people don't use. We're so used to the phrase "turn out lights" that it's far, far away from anything supernatural. Even "take care of it" would be better. Would "smothering it" fit how their power works? Something like that...that a normal human would never use, but that makes perfect sense for them...even though readers won't necessarily understand it on the first page.
Backstory. You've done really well at avoiding this, except for the claustrophobic part. I'm guessing that the two points of this paragraph are to: 1) give the hint about the accident, and 2) increase tension by telling the reader that Alex panics easily. Number one is almost overdone...it's just stuck in there. I don't know whether it should wait, or be stuck in there more subtly. And number two actually decreases the tension, rather than increasing it, because you're telling us that he panics instead of showing us. How about making Alex's words sound more uptight, while Zax's sound more calm and relaxed? Maybe Alex needs to act nervous and Zax needs to calm him down. Also... putting a paragraph of backstory in the middle of the buildup to a scene pulls us out.
"I felt uneasy." That's telling, too. How many of us ever think the exact words, "I fell uneasy?" Rather, we're thinking about why we feel uneasy. Aren't on? They should be. Is someone else here? What if... and so forth. These kinds of thoughts SHOW us that he's uneasy, and they're much more powerful in pulling us in.
I'm not hooked with this one, but it's hard to pinpoint exactly why. Part of it is the voice in the writing; it doesn't seem like a teenager to me.
ReplyDeleteThe other part is that you keep... hinting... at things. But you don't tell them outright, which is driving me nuts. Don't just say "...the accident"; tell me what the heck happened during it. You're withholding information from the reader, which is never smart.
You know I liked your opening and for that I would say "hooked." But, I don't know if I could get through a whole book with twins talking to each other in their heads. Good luck.
ReplyDelete