TITLE: Darkfall
GENRE: Paranormal Romance
Hell on Earth was just a bit closer today than yesterday. Kate Hayden could almost feel it approaching in the hot air wavering in the distance, distorting the view of the Williamsburg Bridge.
Mr. A stood beside her. Unaffected by the heat, he wore a black leather trench coat, which made him look more like a Russian mobster than a forensics instructor. His shaggy brown hair obscured his face as he read text messages on a Blackberry.
She glanced around. The waterfront between the 59th Street Bridge and Hudson Avenue was a graveyard. The moss-covered ruins of the old Eastern District Rail Terminal rotted in the tides while abandoned float barges and crumbling piers decayed along the coast. They weren't the only corpses. Over the past eight months, a killer dumped five decapitated bodies along the shore, the hooded and gagged head in each corpse's shackled embrace.
She shaded her eyes. “It’s so hot.”
“Hot as Hell,” Mr. A said, his voice soft.
He should know.
She bit back a smile, searching the dumpsite like a psychic bloodhound, hoping the killer left some little trinket behind -- a cigarette butt or scrap of paper -- but nothing pulled her closer. Only pebbles and garbage littered the mud between the stumps of wood. Then, a bit of green beach glass glinted amidst the trash. When she picked it up, her perspective dissolved and she was him.
He sat there and stared at the old ConEd plant across the East River, contemplating murder.
This one's much better than the ones I've already read. It still needs some work, a few rearranged words and what-have-you, and I would have preferred to know that the girl narrating was there as a psychic investigator before the garish description of the corpses. That way I know what to expect, and don't suddenly have headless bodies thrust into my mental images.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, I liked it. With some more polishing, I think it would be something I'd pick up and read again and again.
Great imagery! Like the concept. I would definitely read on. Don't quite get the "Mr. A" rather than a full name but perhaps that's what you are going for.
ReplyDelete(I wrote this comment before reading any of the others.)
ReplyDelete45 - I'm hooked, but I think it can be tightened up. A few suggestions:
- Use 'Kate' instead of 'she' at the start of the third paragraph, to lock in her name; we're still getting our bearings and it costs nothing to reiterate who she is.
- I like the description of Mr. A. :)
- I don't know this area, so when you say the waterfront is a graveyard, I assume you literally mean that. Any way to make it clear that you are using this word in a slightly metaphorical sense?
- 'the hooded and gagged head in each corpse's shackled embrace' - I want some strong verb between head and in. locked in? clenched in? Not to go ott but to make it really clear that the corpses are holding their own heads. (If it's just a head, is it hooded? Or just in a bag? Not really sure about that.)
- Kate seems to be idly watching the landscape because she's glancing around at the scenery, and only later is it clear that she's looking specifically for something. 'Psychic bloodhound' seems over-egging it a bit.
But these are nitpicks and this is good.
For the metaphorical graveyard - obviously I eventually get what you mean, but by that point I'm rereading the paragraph to figure it out. I think it could be clearer. Just like my original comment could have been clearer. :)
ReplyDeleteI would've also liked to know she was some sort of psychic investigator. With paranormal, she could've been any manner of demon or undead thing and the whole Hell on Earth thing would've still made sense.
ReplyDeleteStill...maybe hooked.
I loved the first sentence--short, poignant, and effective.
ReplyDeleteMr. A is intriguing, and I automatically want to know more about him. Why is he just Mr. A? Why is he unaffected by the heat? What kind of something-or-another is he? I pictured something kind of dark about him, so the image in my head of "shaggy brown hair" and him reading text messages kind of threw me. His physicality and demeanor didn't match the image I had quickly developed in my head, but perhaps it's just me.
The sentence "They weren't the only corpses" is confusing. Who are "they"? The ruins? The float barges? The crumbling piers? the MC and Mr. A? I have no idea.
Quick grammatical correction in paragraph 3: "a killer had dumped"--since your story is already in past tense, and she's talking about something that has already happened.
I loved the line "He should know." I knew there was something about Mr. A, and I want to keep reading to find out more.
The last 2 paragraphs were confuisng to me. "searching the dumpsite like a psychic bloodhouse" throws me a little, especially when I learn that she, too, has some sort of psychic-type abilities.
I love the concept, though, and I want to know more about the MC. I would keep reading.
Really cool. I'm interested to see how you're going to pull off the head switching. Great concept/great eye for detail. Count me hooked...
ReplyDeleteLove the first line.
ReplyDeleteWould definitely read more.
I'm hooked. Best one I've read so far.
ReplyDeleteVery intriguing characters and situation, and it's nicely written, too. I can't offer anything except - well done.
Your descriptions are fabulous. I could really visualize the setting. I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteLove this!
ReplyDeleteGreat story, reminded me of the show Medium.
Great first line that drew me in. Interesting characters, I want to know more about Mr. "A"
I am hooked. Good job!
Cool. Your snippet and the genre definitely have me hooked.
ReplyDeleteI would read more.
ReplyDeleteIt reminds me a bit of the opening scene of the movie "Thirteen Ghosts" in a way.
Definately intrigued by the line implying that Mr. A would know how hot Hell is.
hooked. i loved it, actually :)
ReplyDeleteEmily
Completely hooked. I don't really like "Mr. A" as opposed to a name, but maybe it makes sense further on. This one grabbed me from the first sentence.
ReplyDeleteIm hooked - some kid standing over a body smiling is intriquing to me. Id read on :)
ReplyDeleteI like psychic investigator mysteries and crime dramas, so this is right up my alley. I'm curious to see if you're pointing out how dangerous it can be to be a psychic investigator. I would make me think the killer has a much stronger psychic connection to her like in the movie "Fear." To my knowledge, psychometric readings pick up energy left in or around an object. The object would have to have a considerable amount of personal value to the owner to use it as a conduit for possession generally. With the glass, is it a broken piece of bottle or crystal?
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. Great Job!
This is the first one that intrigues me, although paranormal romance is not my thing. I like the name Mr. A. Lends him an instant otherness, to me. The heroine also strikes me as someone with kind of a dark, cynical sense of humor. Plus, love, love the third person POV.
ReplyDeleteVery hooked. Easily the best submission I've read so far. Good job!
ReplyDeleteThe writing is really strong. I'm a bit of a paranormal/fantasy/mystery type reader, so I started to feel this was too familiar. I'd read on for a bit, but if there wasn't any new twist to the hell/devil/psychic stuff, I'd put it down.
ReplyDeleteMake paragraph three paragraph two so you place the viewpoint character more into the scene before you bring in the second character.
ReplyDeleteThe writing would be stronger if you stop using the she did this then she did that bit.
For example, in what is now paragraph three, you don't even have to say "She glanced around." Since you are in her head, the description is all you need.
If she's in the killer's head, you should say she's in the killer's head instead of using "he" which may confuse the reader.
Great opening line - then it keeps coming. I was hooked and stayed hooked to the last word. Very well done.
ReplyDeleteHooked! It could use some polishing -- you had a few grammar problems, a few things unclear, but overall, the writing was good, and both the premise and the characters were interesting. You even created a bit of a mood. Nice work!
ReplyDeleteHooked, though there are a few things. I got no sense of movement from when bites back a smile to when she is searching. It might help if we knew she searched before that. Is she physically searching or psychically searching or both? It would help me get a tighter grip, I think. Also, you could tighten up your last line by deleting "sat there and" I loved your opening line. That alone would pull me into reading more even though I dislike murder mysteries.
ReplyDeleteLiking it :)
ReplyDeleteBut of course paranormal is my thing LOL
I liked this! Brings up a lot of questions in a good way. The descriptions were also relevant and intriguing.
ReplyDeleteIt's interesting, but I'm not totally hooked for this one. The writing needs a bit more work for my taste.
ReplyDeleteOoooh I liked this! I'm hooked. Though Mr. A made me think of Authoress's husband.
ReplyDelete