TITLE: The Charade
GENRE: Regency Historical Romance
Rose Thornton has spent four stressful and anxiety filled years on the London Marriage Mart. Her hunt for a husband has set her family even further into debt and secured her a place firmly on the shelf.
This scene opens in her mother's (Patricia) parlor. Her father (Thornton) has declared that Rose might have to marry the families money-lender.
“He has promised to erase all debts if I allow you to marry him,” Thornton declared.
“But he is a obnoxious and b-b-bald and o-old and … and … “
Patricia was up and at her daughter’s side before the compass hit the floor.
“Rose,” Patricia cried opening her arms to her daughter.
Patricia couldn’t believe what Thornton was telling them. Her chest felt tight and sorrow for her only daughter enveloped her as the room closed in around her. Just as she was about to open her mouth to disagree with her husband, she felt the tip of a shoe slam in to her leg as Rose, in a moment of genius, deliberately kicked her in the ankle.
“What the—-“ Patricia began.
“Just catch me,” Rose whispered in her ear.
Rose began to sway in her mother’s arms. A second kick to Patricia’s shin caused both women to lose their footing.
“Rose!” Patricia shrieked.
Amongst a flurry of skirts and flailing limbs, Rose managed to collapse into the chair that Patricia had previously occupied.
“Oh, heavens,” Patricia cried hotly while trying desperately to untangle her skirts from beneath Rose’s body. After pulling the last bit of fabric free, Patricia bent over to assess her daughter’s needs. Just then Rose opened one eye and gave her mother a piercing glare that Patricia understood all too well. In one heartbeat, they were in sync with one another.
Not my usual genre, but this was fun and well-written. I'm not sure that last sentence is necessary, though. I think the previous one already carried the point.
ReplyDelete'What the - " and "in sync" sounded out of period. It's a bit predictable really - would like to feel a bit closer to her horror and fear.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Kez- I was wondering what the mom was saying because "What the heck" and such would not fit the period. Did you mean "What's the...?" As in what's the matter?
ReplyDeleteAnd there's an a out of place in the sentence "He is obnoxious and"
Is this in Patricia's POV? If so, you could make it more immediate.
Patricia couldn't believe Thornton! That seems to be coming from her more than from a distant narrator.
It sounds like an interesting premise, but I'm I think there are some areas that need reworking. First, "What the-" really seems out of place, as does being "in sync." Also, in this time period, I'm having trouble believing that the mother/wife would be so shocked at her daughter's prospects after four years. Sorry for her, yes, but not shocked. I had trouble with the sentence "her chest felt tight..." Enveloped and closed in seemed redundant. Also, why was the second kick necessary?
ReplyDeleteThe last paragraph, "Patricia bent over to assess her daughter's needs." sounded clinical to me. I'd leave off the last sentence - you have a good sentence before it; you don't need the next one.
I'd read another page or two because I really am curious about what happens, but the writing would have to be tighter for me to keep going. This is a good start.
It's too modern to work. Regency novels lend themselves to moving into a mode of that time. Speech patterns etc. eg.
ReplyDelete"I like him very well indeed."
or
"Egads. He's a veritable piece of woman's folly!"
Or go back to Austen: First sentence at beginning of P&P.
"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife."
Put yourself into that period.
Eg. (talking about who has rented Netherfield) "Do not you want to know who has taken it?"
We don't talk like that today but the world building takes place without too much effort and after you get used to it you become very skilled in the speech patterns of the time...
"very well skilled indeed!"
I agree that some of the phrases sound too modern. Others have listed them above. It's also a bit confusing as to whose POV this scene is from.
ReplyDeleteHaving said all that, I do want to see what Rose's plan is for getting out of this marriage.
Do I detect a touch of humor in there? Rose and Patricia come across as manipulating, and rightfully so in such a desperate situation. Some of the language doesn't seem to fit the time period, but Rose and Patricia seem original - something hard to find considering the number of books in this genre.
ReplyDeleteI love this. I agree that "What the--" and "insync" are out of period, but I do not agree with the comment from anonymous.
ReplyDeleteI think what anon was refering to is a literary regency novel, not a historical fiction novel.
I read historical fiction and I enjoy it and finish a book in a day. When I read Jane Austen-- who's writing I also love--it takes me longer and I dont read it to unwind, because it is written in Old English. Please dont change this into Old English which is what Anon is talking about.
Susie J had a good comment about an extra word typo.
I want to read more.
I haven't read one of these in decades--really! It was sort of fun. Nice to see a fiance-to-be having some punch to her--the little actress.
ReplyDelete