TITLE: Destined
GENRE: YA
This is a retelling of Cupid and Psyche, only Psyche is named Sadie in my version. In this scene, Sadie (the MC) is about to find out that none of the 14 suitors who have come to her palace will consider marrying her. Sadie had planned on marrying to prove to her admirers that she is not Venus incarnate and spare herself the goddess' rage (Venus is none-too-thrilled about being compared to the beautiful young princess). Her reaction to the news is the "over-the-top" emotion being submitted.
“No, Sadie, listen. This is important. You deserve to know this. None of these men, including myself, came here to marry you.” Krios paused to correct himself. “Well, maybe at first we did, but something changed along the way. By the time we reached your palace, we agreed amongst ourselves that not one of us felt worthy of marrying you--or of taking on the obligation of protecting you.”
“Protecting me from what? My father hasn’t had any problem looking out for me for this long.”
“I simply don’t have the armies, Sadie. I can’t afford a war for you. None of us can,” Krios said in an emphatic whisper.
Although I realized what he was talking about, I couldn’t believe all of Greece was so consumed by fear of another Trojan War.
“I’m not Helen!” I stood up and shouted at Krios.
Conversation and eating came to an abrupt halt as all eyes turned to me.
“You don’t even know me, but you assume I’m the sort of person who would run off with another man. Why? Because I have a pretty face? You have misjudged me. I’m as fiercely loyal as any woman you will ever meet.”
“Sadie,” my father quickly rushed to my side. “No one is questioning your loyalty, or even Helen’s loyalty. Helen was powerless to resist the will of Venus.”
“Venus again?” I shrieked. “How many times will she ruin my life? I’m trying to serve her by marrying and now she’s denying me a husband.”
There's something about the dialogue that's a little off for me. It's like you can't decide whether you want to use more modern English or keep to a more archaic, formal style.
ReplyDeleteAnd also, though in the dialogue she sounds angry, I don't get much of that from her physical reaction besides standing up. Are her hands shaking? Heart beating really fast? Does she have a nervous tick? Who knows. And the others should be reacting in a physical way, too.
But I like the idea of a Psyche/Cupid retelling--hope it ends happier than the original. :)
Show us a little more of her physical reaction, please, to underscore that emotional reaction. I did like her shriek at the end:)
ReplyDeleteNitpick: father's action inserted within dialogue should be a separate sentence: "Sadie!" Her father rushed to her side. "Etc." Even better, put his action first unless he's shouting as he crosses the dining hall or wherever they are.
All in all, though, I think you've got a story here--keep working :)
I agree, I'd like to see more actions to support the dialogue (which I really like). I don't know if you set it up more within the book itself, but I didn't really understand how Krios came to think that she was going to run off with someone else. Did he just decide that because she's beautiful?
ReplyDeleteSounds like an interesting story!
I have had the pleasure of reading a large chunk of this retelling of Cupid. I have fallen in love with it already-it's hard for me to comment on such a little piece, knowing all the back ground information...So I'm just going to be a great big cheerleader for a story that I'm already hooked on ;o)
ReplyDeleteI wish I had kimmiepoppins knowledge!
ReplyDeleteI felt a bit lost not knowing why they would compare her to Helen.
I also agree with the above comments about the actions of the characters. I'm not able to picture the characters and what they are doing, feeling. -but you probably had all of that before you cut it down to 250 words!
If it was all there but had to be cut for the submission, GREAT JOB!
If not, add a little movement and you will have a work of art!
Thank you, everyone, for your comments and encouragement! I did not have enough movement in this scene and it's so nice to have someone else's eyes on it. If I ever get published, you'll learn why she was compared to Helen (and that part is clear in the story). Are there any other areas where I could improve?
ReplyDeleteWhy is Sadie's character written in 1st person and everyone else is second? Why did you choose that?
ReplyDeleteThird rather?
ReplyDelete