TITLE: Natural Selection
GENRE: Mystery/Thriller
This is the first little morsel in the opening scene to Chapter 1. I believe the over-reaction, if you want to call it that, is self-explanatory. The incident plays a part later in the story.
News travels fast.
While I was moonlighting at Primary Children’s ER, an odd thing happened in the examination room. I was tending to a twelve-year-old girl with a broken arm—courtesy of her scumbag father—when he “slipped,” jaw-smack against the edge of a gurney. The impact zapped his short-term memory clear into last week. Well, for a few hours at least. I know. I treated him too.
That was the tale I told the hospital staff at the pediatric hospital. My swollen knuckles, the ones that connected with solid mandibular bone, told a different story, but I’d kept them hidden inside the abyss of my lab coat pockets.
The douche bag’s account? Like I said: forebrain, midbrain, hindbrain—all essentially mush.
That was six hours ago. Though I was still rattled by what had happened, I stood my ground in the hallway of the University Hospital ER where I worked full-time. I studied the approaching man with a touch of apprehension. He flashed a worn Salt Lake City PD badge. A surge of Old Spice wafted by and was soon soured by a tidal wave of rank sweat. The bags under his eyes told me that he hadn’t slept much. Join the club.
“Lieutenant Davis,” he said, grasping my outstretched hand firmly. Too firmly. “Homicide.”
I let go as if the detective had palmed a Joy Buzzer. “You have got to be kidding me!”
I liked this. The writing was clean, the setting well depicted and the MC's motivation was obvious. I'd have socked the father too- if I could punch worth a crap. Good job having the MC use specific/medical terminology- mandibular bone, forebrain, midbrain etc.
ReplyDeleteI also liked this. One suggestion:
ReplyDeleteAfter "gurney." go to "That was the tale....." all the way to "mush."
Then put in those last 2 sentences of paragraph one. I think that would be stronger. And you begin the sentnece "that was the tale," so it should follow the tale.
And the sentence with hallway- a little wordy. I don't think you need to say "by what happened' that may help the flow of the long description later in the sentence.
The timing is a bit strange - it sounds at the beginning like this was a long time ago, but then it's clear it was six hours ago...I'd start at the homicide point or describe the punch more fully I thing. But I liked the breezily violent voice.
ReplyDeleteThe 2nd sentence made me read it a couple of times b/c the dashes seem misplaced to me. If you take out the words between the dashes, you should still be able to connect the pieces of the sentence on either side, but you can't do that here. I would tighten it up here.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, this is an enjoyable start. The description of the cop was very good without being over the top.
Most importantly, you brought me right into the story with action and emotion. I also liked the specificity of your details: "A surge of Old Spice wafted by..."
ReplyDeleteThe only paragraph that stopped me was "The douche bag's account? Like I said: forebrain, midbrain, hindbrain -- all essentially mush." I guess that means the father was incapable of giving a cogent answer?
I'd certainly read further, wanting to know what caused this physician's "over-reaction."
I loved this, but I had to read the first paragraph a few times. I think it was the dashes. I wasn’t sure who slipped at first. Maybe make that a little clearer and it would be perfect for me.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, great writing.
I love this, but I think there are a few confusing sentences. The beginning sounded like the mc is referring to something that happened long ago. Minor corrections, I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the minor things the others have pointed out. I also agree that it's good and I'd like to read more.
ReplyDeleteThank you all. I'm taking notes. :-)
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't say I'm confused, but I really had to work for the info. For whatever reason, I took your MC for a nurse and female, then I figured out he was male, then I figured out he was a doctor. Your first para says the father got knocked out for a few hours, so I already know there isn't serious injury. But then you go on to say his brain is mush, which I then take to be a serious injury. Then homicide?
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure why you didn't start with the punch since that is, probably, what gets your story going.
I too thought this MC was an ER nurse.
ReplyDeleteThe many dashes up front were distracting.
I had to read this sentence: 'when he “slipped,” jaw-smack against the edge of a gurney.' several times to get your meaning.
I guess the reason why is that I didn't know he was there until that sentence. I assumed at first that the girl had been brought to the hospital without him.
I agree with the disconnect of the first part with "That was six hours ago"
Loved the end of it. Great "oh crap!" moment there.
BTW I smiled big reading about Primary Children's Hospital. It is a great place and has helped many many kids.
Great beginning; nice balance between action & context. I didn't have a problem with sentence #2, but felt a little lost in paragraph #3. You could remove it completely and not lose anything.
ReplyDeleteI like the "too firm" handshake, as though he thought he'd have to keep the doc from running off, or it was the beginning of a very long & involved pissing contest between these two men.
I'd keep reading for sure. Break a leg with this!
I really liked this one and the joy buzzer image at the end was terrific.
ReplyDeleteWell done.
LOVED IT!!!! Super-excellent! I WANT TIO READ MORE!!!
ReplyDeleteYeah! I loved it! Not sure why the quick pulling back of his hand, but, hey, it's a short segment.
ReplyDeleteOnly one comment, "Got to be kidding me?" One of my favorite authors uses this---so I frowned....
natural quick flow, interesting aspects, MC pulls me in, just really enjoyed. Hoping I'll see more when we do a 1000 words or somthing.
LOL Enjoyed! Meg
almost forgot: "A surge of Old Spice wafted by and was soon soured by a tidal wave of rank sweat." As a woman who absolutely detests Old Spice this will certainly win my "best visceral reaction" line!!!! Can we give awards in here?
ReplyDelete