TITLE: Lily of the Lamplight
GENRE: YA Mystery
Oliver, our hero, is a 19 year old kid who is developing a video game for a scholarship this summer. He's fashioned his cyber heroine after his mysterious neighbor, Lily. And fallen in love with her. Then Lily disappears and leaves behind a bloody apartment so that Oliver, and the police, assume the worst. In this scene, Oliver returns to look mournfully at her apartment door, and discovers Lily doing the same.
“I thought you were dead.”
“It seems I’m not.” Her voice lilted, light as ever, as though she weren’t staring at the bloody apartment that five minutes ago told the story of her death.
“Thank God.”
“If you must.”
I turned and looked at her, incredulous. How could she be so flip?
“Oh, sweet Oliver, would you have missed me?”
“I’d have failed you.” I murmured. It sounded silly, but that’s how I felt. You take care of your girl.
“But you’ve done everything I’ve ever asked you to do. You haven’t failed me at all. You couldn’t.” She seemed earnest. She even grasped my shoulders in her long, cool fingers. She looked right into my eyes -- and hers were dancing.
“Clearly, it isn’t me who’s dead.”
“Then who… oh no, Delia!” I said in a shouted whisper. My voice was crackling and gravelly. I hardly recognized myself.
Lily nodded, almost imperceptibly. “Do you think she’s dead? Do you think that‘s what happened?” I asked. I certainly had thought Lily was dead, lying dead somewhere, all alone, and horrible...
“It’s a lot of blood, and it isn‘t mine.” She said, interrupting my thoughts with her beautiful, musical voice - even now.
“Could someone survive? After all that?” I looked around at the broken lamp, the bloody wooden chair, the shattered glass.
“I don’t see how.” She said.
I nodded. I couldn’t see how, either.
I'm not sure what's over the top about this... in fact, reading it, both characters seem more apathetic than anything. If this is what you were going for, sweet. If not... uh, you may want to tweak a bit.
ReplyDeleteA few nitpicky things, to get them out of the way:
1. I have no idea what a "shouted whisper" is. It makes no sense to it, so I'd try something else, maybe.
2. I'm not sure what a "crackling and gravelly" voice have to do with recognizing *oneself,* do you mean his voice?
3. Remember that if you use tags for dialogue, it should go like this, "blah blah blah," she said. Exempting exclamation points and question marks, the end of the "sentence" in the quotations should be a comma. Regardless of comma, exclamation point, or question mark, the following word should not be capitalized as it's continuing the clause of the dialogue.
I don't know if that makes sense.
Yup. I think that's it. Maybe.
This is an interesting scene with some good description of the bloody room but I got a little confused. Who is Delia? Why do Lily's eyes dance--there's blood all over the room? I think she's a little too cryptic. When you tag dialogue use a comma and don't capitalize your pronoun.
ReplyDeleteI loved your voice. Especially when Lily says "I don't see how." Is she in on it?
ReplyDeleteA few grammar mistakes to clean up but overall I liked it.
I have to agree that I see nothing over-the-top about this, and in fact think that it's a bit understated. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, though it makes me wonder why neither of them are more freaked out about the situation (especially Lily).
ReplyDeleteEchoing the previous comments about the proper way to tag dialogue.
“It’s a lot of blood, and it isn‘t mine.” She saidshould be
“It’s a lot of blood, and it isn‘t mine,” she saidAlso:
“Then who… oh no, Delia!” I said in a shouted whisper. My voice was crackling and gravelly. I hardly recognized myself.I suspect the above was the "over-the-top" part, since it's just about the only emotion on display. I have a hard time imagining a "shouted whisper". I think I know what you mean, but there are better ways of saying it. And I thought that hardly recognizing himself was a pretty extreme reaction to hearing a "crackling and gravelly" tone in his voice.
I think the writing here is generally pretty strong. There are some definite craft issues to work out. If you were going for strong emotion, it missed the mark for me personally -- but I suspect that you more likely just wanted to participate in this Drop the Needle, despite the fact that this excerpt doesn't really meet the criteria.
Just to clarify - this isn't over the top. But it's still an example of an emotional response that doesn't isn't appropriate to the circumstances - Lily underplays instead of overplays.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the comments and crits!
Clarifiying again... Oliver thought she was dead, and she's not, but her apartment is trashed and bloody and then she doesn't react at all as he expected her to.
ReplyDeleteI didn't get a feel for the emotion of the scene. Lily seems really detached at the thought of someone's death in her room and the MC is ... I don't know. I just have a hard time connecting with either of them.
ReplyDeleteI have to say, that I felt like the mentions of Lily's musical/lilting/beautiful voice was a little repetitve. The first time the MC thinks it is good enough.
I get the inappropriate emotion in this from Lily (underemoting) but I would have expected a much stronger emotion from Oliver when he saw Lily. He seems almost bland about her non-death. I find Lily to be the more interesting character and I'm almost completely detached from him. I'd read a little more but his character would have to become more believable quickly.
ReplyDelete