TITLE: Completely crushed.
GENRE: Tortured Romance.
A shy girl gets on the elevator just as the guy-with-a-million-dollar-smile (surrounded by pretty blondes) strolls down the hallway toward her.
As he comes into view the first wave of sheer panic washes over her entire body making it nearly impossible to not visibly tremble in its wake. A shiver escapes anyway, starting at the base of her spine and creeping up slowly, vertebrae by vertebrae, shaking her whole body. Despite the carefully controlled 72 degrees of the office building, her teeth begin to chatter as he walks closer with the usual giggling hyenas at his flank. The sheer screeching of their laughter—both his and the tall, skinny, blonde hyenas—starts her heart on a drum solo. He’s almost to the elevator and she hears him say, “Since when do they play African tribal music in the hallways?” Her face begins to grow hotter and hotter as he walks into the confined space and casts a smile that brings her face to the color of a third degree burn. His smile fades, however, as he notices her, redder than sunset, convulsing from head to toe, and with her heart slamming against the inside of her shirt. Confusion, shock and revulsion twist up his normally flawless features, sending a tremor through the hollow of her stomach which gurgles loudly in protest. Her shaking hand shoots up to cover her mouth as she feels bile lurch up into her chest. Unplanting her feet from the ground she pushes past them, just before the doors begin to close, barely making it to the bathroom where she releases her anguish with a single flush.
there are a lot of cliché's in here, 'wave of panic,' 'giggling hyenas,' etc.
ReplyDeleteDetails like "despite the carefully controlled 72 degrees in the office building" and "visibly tremble" do not need to be included. Trust the reader to know these details.
It seems very stream of conscious, but from a third person point of view that makes it seem disjointed and hard connect to.
There's also a lot of telling going on and not enough showing. Try adding a bit of the senses in, maybe she's pressed up against a cold and rough wall, the scratchy blue of a cubicle divider wall. What does the pounding heart feel like?
I agree with the previous comments.
ReplyDeleteIt's also a big block of text (or did you lose formatting along the way). I think you could break it up a little and maybe trim it up a bit.
I knew how uncomfortable she was long before the bile (which I think would be in her throat and not her chest).
Poor girl. Good reaction of a shy person.
ReplyDeleteHowever, it was too wordy. Too many descriptions and the actual story got lost in it. If you simplify and cut it back, it would be better.
This goes on too long. And there's too much telling. I think you need to get to some plot more quickly. Some cliches, i think, too. Cut to the plot and eliminate the excessive description to improve this.
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ReplyDeleteI liked the "carefully controlled 72-degrees" bit-- felt it revealed voice.
ReplyDeleteThe 3rd-person present-tense doesn't fit for me.
I think you are trying too hard to show-- you are "showing" every little physical reaction back and forth, and I imagine the scene would be more effective if you latched on to a few key visuals and/or feelings.
"Confusion, shock and revulsion" is an example of the overstating. Which is the strongest? If a woman is this tense she is not likely to be the most-perceptive individual. You will likely get deal of focus by limiting yourself to what she can know.
The 3rd person present tense is extremely annoying and totally steels the words. It's almost omniescent. It seems at times that you are almost hovering like a helicopter against committing yourself to the character of the POV you are currently using.
ReplyDeleteI think that's why you are getting such a large dose of 'telling not showing'.
Probably would be a good personal exercise when you relook at this you might just write in in normal third p or normal first person.
I'm not a fan of the third-person present tense either. I also think you use hyenas once too often. Once is a good, twice is ramming the point home too much (or so I feel anyway). I doubted that her heart was beating loud enough for him to actually hear it.
ReplyDeleteI'm interested to know why she has such a strong reaction to him, but I don't know that I could read the book if she's going to be this tortured throughout.
Hyenas are a bit of a cliche.
ReplyDeleteI had no idea why she had such an over the top reacion and didn;t really care...sorry
Wow, poor girl is having a major panic attack. Splitting up the sentences into more paragraphs would give me an easier read.
ReplyDeleteNot at all sure why the over-the top reaction to this guy--but it's a cut out section...