TITLE: Chwedl
GENRE: Fantasy
In this scene the main character Aine has lost her mother and teacher, Tesn, in a flash flood.
“This is…” she choked on her heart and stopped to breathe, “This is Tesn. She was my mother and my teacher. I’ve traveled near the length and breadth of Cymru learning by her side. I don’t… I don’t know what I’ll do without her.”
Aine crumpled, falling against Hafwyn as a cry of pure anguish tore from her sore throat. She knew she should say the prayers to ease the passing of another. It’s what Tesn would have done. Damn her and damn what she’d have done. She can’t do it, can she? Aine stood there as Idrys walked forward to set the pyre aflame. She watched as the fire caught and consumed.
She turned to Hafwyn and asked for her small knife. The woman looked a question at her, but did not ask it aloud and instead pulled the small blade from her belt.
Aine let go of her and limped towards the pyre. She gripped her hair in a tight fist and hacked into with the little knife. It came free in her hand, clean and soft and red as blood. Free wisps of hair floated around her chin as she tossed the flowing handful onto the fire.
She stepped back and leaned against Hafwyn again. Hafwyn kept a tight arm around her shoulders until finally Aine turned her face away from the growing heat and bent to weep into the shoulder of a stranger.
Nicely done, overall. The actions and motivations are clear, and you've mostly avoided the tendency I see in a lot of fantasy to over-write. I wasn't sure I liked 'choked on her heart' at first, but it's growing on me.
ReplyDeleteA couple of quibbles. In the second paragraph, Aine crumples against Hafwyn, but a few sentences later is standing again. That's confusing. I think you could start the last sentence with Idrys walking forward, and dispense with the first phrase.
I'm not sure about the title. I think it will limit the book's appeal to folks who have an idea of how to pronounce Welsh. Those who don't may be turned off by it. You might want to consider a title that tells something about the book other than that it's full of hard to say names.
That should be have no idea of how to pronounce Welsh. Mea culpa.
ReplyDeleteDisregard my last missive. I obviously need more coffee.
ReplyDeleteI haven't read much fantasy but the bloody hair was eye catching (creepy but eye catching).
ReplyDeleteIn the first paragraph do you mean "nearly the length and breadth of Cymru" instead of "near". Like I said I don't read fantasy so it may just be me.
Also she "gripped her hair in a tight fist" keeps stopping me. Maybe she grips it with a tight fist (nitpic and only my opinion) and you left out an "it"--"hacked into it with".
I get it and I feel her pain.
At first I was thinking that this didn't really capture the "over the top emotions" but then when she hacked off her hair, I felt it. I like this even though when I read stories with names that I'm not sure how to pronounce, I get pulled out of the story for a moment.
ReplyDeleteI like the cleanness of the prose, and how it's clear to the reader what emotions are felt.
ReplyDeleteI agree with a previous person that the title is off-putting. In the phrase "cry of pure anguish," you don't need the "pure," and you might just shorten it to "cry."
Towards the end when "Aine turned her face away," you can delete "away" as unnecessary, and that word made me think of too large a motion.
It's an impressive scene.
Mark in the Seattle area
Overall I like the style of this but I have some nits. A bit overly descriptive at times:
ReplyDeleteFree wisps of hair, free?
cry of pure anguish, pure?
with the little knife, little?
Not a big deal but a bit distracting. This one may just be me, but "sore throat" struck me as odd. I see the point of it but I think it sounds too much like illness.
Otherwise I thought this was good and I'd keep reading.