TITLE:The Wishing Well
GENRE: Fantasy
A flippant wish in a hospital wishing well causes the MC’s idol, a popular French singer, to suddenly appear in the hospital’s parking lot. He is furious at being pulled half way across the world on the whim of a suburban housewife and is desperate to get back home. Efforts to return him to his family have been singularly unsuccessful so far, and the two have gone to a local pub to consider their options. After a drink, he asks her why she chose him for her wish.
She decides to tell him.
“Any way….” I pressed on, determined not to let my voice wobble. “The thing is, my life kind of sucks more than usual at the moment. When I made that wish this morning, I’d just found out I have cancer!”
I had the fleeting impression of a stunned goldfish as I watched him take in my words. It’s funny how dropping THAT little bit of information will do that to someone.
“Better get used to it!” I thought, as I waited for him to look away.
Silence hung heavily between us. All I could hear was the sound of a chair leg scraping along the timber floor as a customer rose to go to the bar. It struck me that the sound pretty well matched the state of my nerves, but I forced myself to watch and wait.
It was his move now.
“Oh …Cherie!” he murmured at last and reached across the table for my hand, somehow injecting just the right mix of surprise, dismay and compassion into those two words.
It was too much. I’d held it together through one of the worst days of my life, and now this man - this complete stranger - had brought me undone. Just like that!
I reached for my handbag and pushed back my chair, mumbling something inane. I’m not sure what I said now, but I do recall the words “So sorry!” and “I can’t!” sounding very strangled somewhere in amongst it, as I turned and fled the pub.
I was already half a block down the street before he caught me.
I liked this. It worked well. I heard the chair scraping. I told someone else I'm not a fan of hearing thoughts but this one fit.
ReplyDeleteI just have two little comments:
"that the sound pretty well matched the state of my nerves"
It could be tightened. I'd leave out "pretty well". Sure that's most likely how she thinks/talks but we've gotten a good look at her voice, so I'd go for clarity here.
And the sentnece "it was his move now." I'm not sure we need that. I think its a given. I'd rather just hear him speak-because that next line is a goodie!
I agree with the above. Nicely done, clear and evocative. I would watch the punctuation, though. Exclamation points are rarely needed, and you have a couple of ellipses where commas would do as well. Other than that, good job!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Mark. The exclamation points were not only not needed, they were distracting. And conflicting - how can an exclamation point be paired with "murmured"?
ReplyDeleteOther than that, I liked the bit about the chair and her nerves, and the way you describe him injecting the right amount of emotion in just two words.
Your preface said that she decides to tell him why she chose her, but then you didn't really answer the question "why him?" I wanted to know what, specifically, about him she needed. Maybe that comes later, when he catches her.
Good luck!
I liked this. It does need some tightening - I found the exclamations distracting, too - but it's compelling. I'm curious as to why she chose him.
ReplyDeleteI like the premise a lot (and can you tell me exactly where that wishing well is??)
ReplyDeleteAs with the other comments, the exclamation points were bothersome. Especially in the very first paragraph. She would likely be lowering her voice when confessing she has cancer than raising it in a scream.
Overall, I liked your MC's reaction to the stranger's compassion. I think it's something we all can relate to and sympathize with - like when someone says "are you ok?" and you burst into tears. That emotion felt real to me.
I agree with all the comments about the exclamation points. I think the first bit of dialogue would be clearer if you maybe said something like ". . . my life sucks right now." Something a little shorter to get to your point faster.
ReplyDeleteGreat premise. Not something I have read before.
I like the writing but somehow the story isn't completely grabbing me. I think part of it is not having enough backgroud - how old is this woman, how old is the idol, does she have family, etc. A nit: the exclamation marks seem overdone to me. Some of the sentence structure feels awkward or perhaps just has extra words. Example: after the chair scrape (very nice) - The sound matched my nerves, but i forced myself to watch and wait." Something like that. I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteGiven the premise I'm not sure how sympathetic he'd be. He's already furious and presumably disorientated. Now this stranger is unburdening herself - really why should he care? Wouldn't he be suspicious that he was being tricked? I think it's unlikely that he'd be immediately caring and compassionate.
ReplyDeleteI agree that the last few paragraphs didn't quite fit with what we'd read about the French idol before. The words 'Oh... Cherie' seem far too familiar for people who just met. I think he would express sympathy, as would most people who found out someone had cancer, but I think it would be a little more removed.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard to judge without seeing the scenes that led up to this excerpt though.
As I understand the contest, we are to be reading an intense over-the-top emotional explosion.
ReplyDeleteThis story didn't hit me that hard. I had questions why the singer wouldn't have been blowing his top, nor did I find her emotional breakdown that overwhelming.
I thought it was nicely done, but it didn't grab me. I guess i was looking for more of a soccer punch to the belly type thing. I'll be back after reading the others if I mis-understood the contest! Best wishes on your writing.