TITLE: MADMAN'S MANSION & THE LOST TUNNEL
GENRE: MG ADVENTURE
The old stone house looked like a location for a low-budget
horror flick. Some crazy person had built it ages ago up on a
cliff. The locals on Arbmu Island liked to joke the house had a
killer view of the ocean. Over the years, people had a funny
habit of toppling over the cliff edge, either by accident or on
purpose. The islanders thought the place was an eyesore. They
nicknamed it Madman’s Mansion, but Alice Morien thought
Morien’s Mansion was a much better name.
She stood on the beach and scanned the cliffs with her binoculars.
Morien’s Mansion. Why not? After all, no one knew who built the
place. It could have been one of her ancestors. That would
explain the weird connection—how she and the crumbling house
managed to be the only two things on the island that were not
completely ordinary. In the least. Alice loved its
shattered-glass windows, its gothic grimness.
Sam snorted nearby. He was swordfighting the dune grasses with an
old stick. The same thing he did every time they came to the
beach. Sam was happy being mediocre. He thrived on it.
Another snort.
Alice ignored her brother. She trained her binoculars on the house.
Dead leaves swirled past the front door. Morien’s Mansion. A little
rough on the outside, but probably brilliant on the inside. Like her.
Alice blinked. A shadow was creeping along the front of the house like
a shred of fog blown in off the horizon.
The first paragraph is good, but it's sentences are a bit choppy, there's no flow to it.
ReplyDelete"...not completely ordinary. In the least." should be combined somehow.
Not hooked.
The premise does hook me, but I love stories about scary mansions.
ReplyDeleteI definitely want to know more about why so many people have died there.
The sentence "That would explain the weird connection.." could use some fine tuning. Perhaps be more specific without giving it all away?
I was a little confused though - does it belong to Alice? Or does she just feel drawn to it.
Minor nit, though.
Overall I love the premise and would read on.
I liked the "killer view" joke.
ReplyDeleteI felt there wasn't really any conflict in this opening. What's the story here? Why should I be drawn to Alice?
I also wasn't sure if "people had a funny habit of toppling over the cliff" was the right wording. I felt like it was trying to be humorous, but it didn't really come across. That could just be me though.
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ReplyDeleteI like the voice, but I'm not hooked either. I feel like something more interesting is hovering there, something stronger to lead with.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. I felt like the first sentence lacked cohesion. Maybe if you cut the first two sentences it would work better. The writing as a whole is fine, and I'm intrigued by the premise, but I don't know how long that feeling would last.
ReplyDeleteI like scary houses too. Maybe if you focused on one of their "not ordinary" features then compare the other (person or house) to it, then we would be hooked sooner.
ReplyDeleteI am hooked to the quirky character and the hope that there are more humorous and subtle, quirky lines such as, "killer view"
ReplyDeleteI can picture everything very clearly. You haven't wasted words but you've written succinctly and gotten to the point.
I want to read more. There is sort of a dead pan humor here that makes me wonder why previous readers didn't connect to.
This is the author--just a clarification--the last three paragraphs were originally missing, so the first commenters only read half of it, so there probably wasn't a lot to connect to.
ReplyDeletePossibly hooked. Interested, but not sure if I want more. The MC doesn't stand out to me. It says she's out of the ordinary, but I don't see it. Still, you can only do so much in 1 page. I'd probably give this a chapter before I decided.
ReplyDeleteYes, definitly hooked. Nice writing.
ReplyDeleteIt's good writing, but it doesn't read smoothly as I'd like and it just doesn't hook me.
ReplyDelete(Edited after a reread!)
Just came back to comment again because I only read half the post the first time due to the glitch.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure what Sam is snorting about. Does he think Alice is being ridiculous looking at the house?
I liked the shadow creeping along the house. Is something going to happen? This line changed my opinion. If you put it earlier and cut down the house description, I think I would've been hooked.
Hooked. I think it's very MG.
ReplyDeleteI liked the dry humor and your MC's personality and thoughts about herself and the rest of the islanders.
I would have like to have know that Sam was there earlier. He came as sort of a surprise, and I would have liked a bit more description of the house (what it actually looked like.)
You could make it more active by taking out the 'was' statements - A shadow was creeping, would be stronger as -- a shadow crept. Keep it active.
I loved -- probably brilliant on the inside. Like her.
Hooked. But I do think it needs a bit of work. Not much, though. I didn't like that she saw Sam as mediocre. That sounded too adult. And if she's a little adult in a kids body, that's fine. Just punch up the rest of it to sound that way.
ReplyDeleteI love me some scary mansion stories. I don't care how many times they've been done. I think your writing sets this one apart.
without reading other comments.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the voice here. Very dry
The best part for me was the brother swordfighting dune grass. I loved that line.
I thought the last line lacked punch - probably because was creeping is weaker than crept would have been stronger.
I don't really represent middle grade, but let me try here... it's not really hooking me, but yet there are things I like.
ReplyDeleteI like Alice. I didn't like her in the first few paragraphs, but by the time I found out that she wasn't ordinary (and seems rather proud of it), I was intrigued.
That said, your writing lacks a cohesive feel to it. I feel like you're trying to dump too much information in, too fast, and not trusting your readers enough. Kids are smart. Let them figure out things for themselves, which is one of the true joys of reading middle grade work.