TITLE: The Guardians
GENRE: YA Fantasy
The bell rang, just as I put the finishing touches on my last painting. I moved my easel to the side of the art room, and left the painting to dry. I’d take it home to add to my portfolio tomorrow. I wasn’t planning on coming back to the art room after school, so I grabbed the rest of my portfolio, and took it with me to my last class.
The scholarship application was due soon, and I needed to photograph each of my art pieces and send in my best work. I had spent the last two weeks sorting through each of my drawings and consulting my art teacher about which ones to send. My portfolio held my most important work right now, so I carefully maneuvered through the crowded hallways.
Suddenly I felt someone push me and I went flying forward. I landed on my hands and knees. My portfolio fell open dumping the pictures all over the floor in the hall.
“Whoops, Isis. I didn’t see you there,” Mike said. I shuddered. I made it a point to avoid any area that had Mike in it and I was so focused on keeping my pictures safe that I had forgotten to keep an eye out for him.
Fighting back tears I scrambled to pick up the sketches and return them to my portfolio. Mike stood there laughing as I counted the sketches. I realized that I was still missing one. Frantically I looked through the drawings again.
Not really hooked. It reads more like a bad fanfiction and less like the beginning of a really good book.
ReplyDeleteInteresting set-up. Maybe too much detail in the classroom at first. You could go straight from "...painting to dry. I grabbed the rest..." Just a thought.
ReplyDeleteThe hook is definitely "where's the missing drawing?" which is a good hook. Good luck!
The first paragraph didn't really grab me, it was like reading a grocery list. I think I would be more interested if you started with the protag reacting to her finishing touches, then you could describe the art and how it makes her feel, how important it is to her. How important all the sketches in her portfolio are.
ReplyDeleteIs the portfolio one of those huge folders that are kind of awkward to carry? That would be a good detail to add, seeing how it would keep her from seeing Mike.
I liked the way you ended this with conflict and the missing sketch. I would definitely read on.
I would suggest starting where the action is. You can introduce that she's getting a portfolio together for a scholarship without starting off with details that don't matter to the actual story.
ReplyDeleteAt this point, I don't know anything about the main character, other than her name and that she's into art. And I soooo want to love Isis, because I love those artsy chicks in YA fic. Love!
I think if you started with her having left the art room, there'll be more time for you to spend on Isis and who she really is.
Right now, while there's potential, I'm not hooked. Sorry.
I thought this was great. It has an interesting opening with the pictures and mean Mike. You can tell there is something special about the picture (I am thinking this is where the fantasy part comes in.) I think the girl is sympathetic. Wonderful YA/teen angst feel. I'd like to read more.
ReplyDelete(I wrote this comment before reading any of the others.)
ReplyDelete49 - not really hooked, I'm afraid. The first two paragraphs seem very plodding and I Must Get This Information Across, and it wasn't until the 'trying to avoid Mike' bit that I was interested. 'Mike said' is very bland in the context - any chance of showing us, through his dialogue or the way he says it, a little more about what's actually going on here? I mean, he could despise her, but he could also be creepily devoted to her, and I'd like more to go on.
I like the concept of hook - the missing sketch - but I agree that you get there too slowly. And there needs to be some work done to give the writing more of an edge.
ReplyDeleteI agree that the beginning is very dry and slow. The action starts with Mike pushing; I'd work the rest of the back story re the art after that happens, bit by bit. Not hooked as is.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the flow. I descriptions, it makes me feel like I'm standing there viewing the events. Made me curious enough to want to know who this creepy guy Mike is and see if someone puts him in his place.
ReplyDeleteFor this one I'm going to say I'm Hooked.
I think you're close, but this could really be trimmed down and made sharper. Don't feel the need to tell us everything right away; you can work it in later.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately I'm not hooked. The first paragraph was way too concerned with minutiae, and the second felt like a clumsy attempt to introduce backstory. I think this would be stronger if you started with Isis (that's my cat's name!) walking through the hallway. Once Mike bumps into her, she could easily worry about damage to her drawings--this might be a more elegant way to drop in a beat about the scholarship application.
ReplyDeleteI'd try to eliminate the use of "suddenly", if possible. That's a peeve for a lot of people, and finding it within the first 250 words may turn some agents off.
Good luck.
The only interest I have at the moment is to wonder who this Mike guy is and why he is to be avoided. Not really hooked.
ReplyDeleteI think this would work better a little further into the chapter rather than the opening 250 words. You need to grab us right away, which from your writing, I know you have the skill to do. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI don't read a lot of YA, but I liked this because I could understand exactly what was going on. That said, I wasn't hooked, but probably because of the genre more than anything else.
ReplyDeleteLike everyone else, I agree that this doesn't move fast enough. I would jump right into Mike pushing her and the missing sketch. Then you could do a briefer back-log about what the pictures are for.
ReplyDeleteBut the writing is solid and not overly descriptive...nice job!
I'm not terribly hooked. The first paragraph was too much information about something that didn't really matter. Tighten and combine the info in the first two paragraphs. The stuff with Mike sets up an interesting interaction. It could be enough to hook a reader with more words, but at this point with the over-bulked beginning, by 250 words, I'd put it down.
ReplyDeleteNot really hooked. Too much info dump too early for a YA.
ReplyDeleteI liked the concept and think you have something here, but you just need to focus on the conflict as others have mentioned. I just wanted to point out that when I first read Mike's dialogue, I thought he was sincere. Maybe you could preface it with something so he sounds nastier and I get the connection right away.
ReplyDeleteJust an idea but maybe you could start with "The sketch was missing." Or something along those lines. I am interested to know what that sketch is!
Not hooked. How does she know it's her last painting?
ReplyDeleteWriting seems choppy and scattered and too many "that's"
Thanks for being brave and posting. Please remember all the crits are to help you, not condemn you..
Haven't read other comments, so sorry if I'm repeating--
ReplyDeleteI was hooked; I expect there's something quite important about the sketches, and I'd like to know what.
I think you've got unnecessary commas in the first two sentences.
I'm still not sure whether I find it intriguing or just unlkely to have a school where the student names include Isis and Mike.
If she gets pushed in the middle of a crowded hallway I'd expect more reaction from the other kids there.
Not hooked. Too much explanation and backstory. Don't tell us why things are happening. That should be evident in the action and dialogue, and save the backstory for later. Start with the problem--the missing picture.
ReplyDeleteI think you'd do better to focus on the conflict between her and Michael. Dwelling on her reliance on the artwork is fine. It would give more of an emotional reason to keep reading, but don't dwell so much on the technical detail of her portfolio, application, etc. Also, be aware of 1. passives: wasn't planning, went flying, was missing 2. Repetitions: me, my, etc are everywhere. keeping, keep, portfolio, 3. unneeded words: Suddenly makes whatever follows less sudden because there's always an understood pause after Suddenly. Someone pushed me is so much more sudden. Good luck with it. Keep working!
ReplyDeleteSorry, not hooked.
ReplyDeleteThe premise sounds interesting, I would read about a young artist.
That being said, there are quite a few repeated words and unnecessary sentences in my opinion. (Portfolio twice in the first para, sketches twice in the last.) Also, the voice isn't shining for me. The first two paragraphs could be tightened up.
Good luck.
I like a book that grabs me right off, I agree with the others, start with the action and you'll have a great opening :)
ReplyDeleteGood Luck
This tells for the first two paragraphs. Some missing commas (don't people usually overuse them?). I am curioius about the missing sketch, but so far it's not enough to hook me. If it started where she gets pushed and more of the story comes out, it might hook me.
ReplyDeleteWhen I went to school, Mike would have been ganged up on if he pushed a girl to the ground like that. I would re-write to show that he tried to help her afterwards, even though he did it intentionally. I would eliminate as many of the adverbs as possible: suddenly, frantically, carefully. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteFell asleep during first paragraph, sorry.
ReplyDeleteThis isn't hooking me because nothing noteworthy happens in it at all. We meet Isis, we see her in an art room, and she bumps into a guy. That's it. Character, CONFLICT, and a hook are what you need.
ReplyDelete