TITLE: The secrets Of Pretty Penelope
GENRE: YA/Fantasy
Gosserville's crazy old lady has just given Penelope a compact after claiming she's a liar. She demanded her to open the tiny mirror and look inside.
“See what?” She asked.
“Dumb child--fine so you’re not gifted! Here hand it over, such a gift is not intended for the likes of you.” Her face was full of rage.
Penelope was so confused. Then her eyes grew huge, she held up her hand, “No, Wait…I think I see something?”
Mrs. Sourpatch was almost drooling, leaning in close. “Yes, tell me--tell me--what is it, what do you see? Don’t play me a fool, you child. You tell this old woman the truth.”
Penelope couldn’t believe it, “A light--a purple light. It’s glowing all around my face. It’s so dark--almost black. Like a thick black smoke.”
Mrs. Sourpatch was smiling a toothless wide grin as she rejoiced.
“Yes!” She said slamming her walking stick into the porch. “You can see it! You must be the one-you must!”
“The one?” Penelope questioned.
She batted the air with her stick, “No time for questions child. You’re mother is going to be coming out soon now hurry. Stand in front of me.” She said while pushing Penelope. “Look for me in the mirror, go on, there is no time to waste.”
She stood trembling in front of Mrs. Sourpatch and looked over her shoulder for her in the compact.
She rested on her cane and stood proud as she whispered. “Now tell me child…what do you see?”
Penelope narrowed her eyes and peered into the mirror after a short moment she squealed with amazement.
There are quite a few grammatical errors in here that break up the flow. Work on your punctuation.
ReplyDeleteI like the general dialog though and am intrigued to know what it is Penelope will see.
Also, the line "She stood trembling..." doesn't make sense to me. Too many "hers" so I am not sure who is doing what.
I like the concept. Grammatical errors noted.
ReplyDeleteIn the spirit of "show don't tell": what does a face full of rage actually look like? The description would be stronger than the statement.
Paragraph 3 needs detail. The word "so" is not needed. Penelopy was confuse by xxx. Her eyes widened as the mirror changed. She held up her hand to stop the sniviling old biddy's tirade. "No wait...." Something like that. Insert your own vision of the exchange between them.
I love the 4th paragrah, but divide the sentences with the right punctuation. The periods and capitals won't slow the pace.
Paragraph 9, You're = you are. Try
"Your mother will come out soon..."
Paragraph 10 is clearer if you start with Penelope's name and replace the 2nd "her" with "the crazy old lady".
Similarly in paragraph 11 replace the initial pronoun with the name or description. I can understand it, but make it easy for us, please?
Good idea. Keep going!
Okay, even with the grammaticals I reallyreally want to know what Penelope saw! Nice storytelling; as soon as you get the writing up to par this will get some attention.
ReplyDeleteIt works but it doesn't. I felt there wasn't enough emotion. And when the piece is supposed to be all about emotion this (although intriguing) has exactly met the criteria.
ReplyDeleteWhat those your and you're. It's on par with its and it's.
Your end hook was good, so you've got plenty of editing. Be tough on yourself.
Good things to rid yourself of is 'that' eg. He noticed that his hands were dirty. Sentence works well without it. He noticed his hands were dirty.
And you can use this for other repetitions.
The amount of time between the compact being opened and Penelope dragged (not necessarily in your m/s as a piece) but in this small sample it really was an extravagant dragging luxury if you see my meaning?
I say you have the basis of an idea and a nice tale just from seeing this. Just really needs some strong editing and filling in the blanks.
It worked in that I'm dying to know what happens next! Tell us please what she saw!
ReplyDeleteThank you to all of you, your comments will be put to great use. I have a long way to go with the edits. My grammar needs a bit of refreshing I suppose. And to all of you that want to know what Penelope saw, sorry you'll have to buy the book.
ReplyDeleteThanks again,
NC