TITLE: Linnea’s Journey
GENRE: YA Fantasy
This scene begins just as the prince’s retainer (Tykone) has agreed to help the princess Linnea’s stepmother find the princess in exile. Tykone (and his family) included Linnea as one of their own when they were both children and unconnected to palace life. His change of heart has to do with a serious misunderstanding. (The love here is not the romantic kind.)
As soon as Tykone closed the door behind them he found himself slammed against the wall, gasping. Kjell lifted him to eyelevel.
“You idiot! How could you promise to help that creature in there? I thought you loved Linnea!”
“Yes, I loved her.” Tykone didn’t even trying to struggle. “I thought she was perfect.” He spat. “And I was wrong.”
“And you would sentence the girl to die at her step-monster’s hand—” Kjell unhooked one fist from Tykone’s shirt front to point at the closed door. “Because the girl was imperfect?” Tears ran down his fat cheeks. “Well sign me up next, and find an alloy that doesn’t dull, because a whole lotta heads are gonna be loose once you get started.”
A loud click came from the door beside them and Kjell released his brother. Rickard was backing out of the room.
“Right away, Sarsé,” he said before closing the door.
Turning, he looked at the Thatcher brothers. “Get that argument squared away, or just waiting until I leave?” He still pressed the heel of his hand to one temple, but he was almost smiling. It was the old Rickard.
Kjell had been wiping his eyes on his flannel sleeves in an exaggerated manner. Looking up he lunged at Rickard and Tykone was only just able with two arms to hold back his brother’s fist.
Nice job of infusing action and emotion in the very first sentence, "slammed" hit me with the action and "gasping" put me inside the MC's head/body.
ReplyDeleteCheck for typo in the line: Tykone didn’t even trying to struggle.- trying S/B "try"
Your characters' personalities are well depicted through dialogue. Oh, and I'm definitely wondering about the monster.
Good luck.
I liked this. Good action, but also tells us a lot.
ReplyDeleteThe dialogue flows so well, that I actually didn't want some of the direction lines-I just wanted them to keep talking. (for example, I'd cut out Kjell unhooked....") We know the step monster is in there.
If you do keep it in, I suggest saying "in order to point" because I somehow thought the shirt front was pointing.
And this is picky but Rickard, we don't need "Turning" You said he was backing up. Tykone was thrown against the wall. So Richard need only "look" to see the Thatcher bros. Aren't they right there at the door?
See- I was really into this.I saw it. Good work.
I agree, the dialogue is really good.
ReplyDeleteAfter the paragraph that starts "A loud click ..." I got really confused, though. I had to reread it several times to figure out who was in the room and what they were doing.
"Richard was backing out the door" sticks out especially.
I don't know if it's fair that I know who the author is, but I do have some comments as it's the first time i've seen the authors' writing. I won't give anything away. :)
ReplyDeleteDeb caught the typo, it happens to the best of us.
I agree with redqueen1, it was a bit confusing trying to figure out who was in the room, but we have to remember that this is only 250 words plucked out of a larger work. I'm sure you set up the scene in your novel and we know who all these people are by the time we get to this passage, right?
I liked the lack of emotion from Tykone at the beginng, the 'not fighting back'. Sometimes an apathy and lack of an emotional response plays out better than someone going over the top.
I was a little confused but I think it's because we're being dropped into the middle. One small nit, in the last sentence, I'd leave out "with two arms." I liked the style and would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteGood emotion. I need to tangent, though. The names had me thinking this was high fantasy. Then I kept running into contemporary turns of phrase, which made me think it was more urban fantasy - fwiw:
ReplyDeletestep-monster
sign me up next
a whole lotta heads are gonna be loose (this actually sounds mafia)
Thatcher brothers(after Kjell, Sarse, Rickard and Tykone, Thatcher seemed out of place, too)
squared away
flannel sleeves
What type of fantasy is it?
Am I allowed to step in as the author?
ReplyDeleteI haven't consciously placed it in either fantasy category-- the distinction hadn't entered my mind-- so I appreciate the question (my other work has this inconsistency as well, I've been shown).
I've simply described it as the novelization of an obscure fairytale, and that (by default) trips it into the fantasy category.
You might want to read other modern day fairy tales for comparison. Ella Enchanted comes to mind. You can always break the rules and conventions in any type of writing, but usually it only works if you know what those conventions are and break them in a puposeful way.
ReplyDeleteYup, working on that. I read many adaptions and expansions and YA fantasy in general-- make a point of looking for them, actually: getting through 2-3 books per month.
ReplyDeleteIt's honestly not (yet) a matter of form or style or trying to "break" the rules. It's simply putting the story down, and the mix I read (of high and modern) apparently shows up in what I write.
(*loved* Ella Enchanted, but Perilous Gard is my favorite so far-- sort of by seniority.)
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ReplyDeleteAll these scifi/fantasies, I love them all.
ReplyDeleteNicely written, good sound intro impact, had me hooked in your stoy and waiting for more.
You might want to try The Alchemist as well. I believe that one is a blend of both. They start in the real world, though, and go into a high fantasy type world. And it's middle grade. But it might be helpful!
ReplyDeleteIt's all about getting the story down and worrying later.