TITLE: Star Wishes
GENRE: Middle Grade (Light Fantasy)
Holly Star's mother is dying. Holly has found a golden box, followed the instructions contained inside, and has been granted three wishes (by a wish grantor named Grace). Holly's greatest hope is for her mother to get well. However, the Official Rules for Wishes do not allow wishing for someone's illness to end. After considerable thought, Holly has come up with an idea — she wishes for her mother's illness to be transferred to her. Grace has arrived and told Holly her wish is unacceptable according to the Rules. Holly has argued that her wish is acceptable, but Grace says her arguments are not strong enough and asks if she wants to try one last time. Holly is giving her final argument at this point in hopes that Grace will grant her wish....
Holly collected her thoughts and looked into Grace’s eyes before speaking. “A family has to have a mother,” she began, “because a mother is what makes it a family. She makes bad things bearable. A mother is someone who always has a smile for you, even when she’s sad, and she’s the one who tells you everything is going to be all right, even when she isn’t certain that it will be.”
Holly could feel her throat closing up, and her voice became weaker as she continued. “Your mother bandages your knees and takes care of you when you’re sick, even when she’s sicker than you are.” Tears trickled down Holly’s cheeks as she finished. “She would give her own life to save yours because she loves you more than anyone else in the world. She loves you no matter what you do—and she never stops loving you, because a mother’s love is forever!” When she finished, Holly dropped her head into her hands and sobbed. "Please grant my wish, Grace."
Grace wiped a tear from the corner of her own eye as she looked down at the young girl sitting in front of her. She folded The Official Rules for Wishes paper back up and placed it on top of the golden box Holly was holding. Holly’s hands trembled as she wiped the tears from her cheeks and placed the paper back inside the golden box.
“I hope you realize what you’re wishing for, Holly” Grace said.
This is a compelling scene that simply needs a good dose of tightening.
ReplyDeleteThe dialogue is too verbose. Trimming it down will pack a much greater emotional punch, and will also help with pacing and believability.
Example:
Holly collected her thoughts and looked into Grace’s eyes before speaking. “A family has to have a mother,” she began, “because a mother is what makes it a family. She makes bad things bearable. A mother is someone who always has a smile for you, even when she’s sad, and she’s the one who tells you everything is going to be all right, even when she isn’t certain that it will be.”Tightened:
Holly collected her thoughts and looked into Grace’s eyes. “A family has to have a mother because a mother is what makes it a family. She makes bad things bearable. She always has a smile for you, even when she’s sad, and she’s the one who tells you everything is going to be all right, even when she isn’t certain that it will be.”
Some of the prose could also stand some tightening.
Example:
She folded The Official Rules for Wishes paper back up and placed it on top of the golden box Holly was holding.Tightened:
She folded The Official Rules for Wishes paper and placed it on top of the golden box in Holly's hands.
(Or...if the reader was told a few paragraphs earlier that Holly is holding the box, you should drop the "in Holly's hands" altogether.)
I'm definitely curious to know what the results of this wish being granted will be--something tells me they will be disastrous!
Good work!
I'm a mom, so that made me cry. My throat was closing up with Holly's.
ReplyDeleteBut I wonder if it would affect a middle grader the same way. Most likely, but I agree with the first comment- tighten it up, make sure it sounds like its coming from a kid. Remember, we talk in incomplete phrases, so cut some of the complex sentences.
Tightening suggestions- and her voice became weaker. (don't need the as she continued because its implied in her voice getting weaker.)
and skip the line about Holly's hands and the box- too much of that-and it breaks from Grace- go straight from Grace's action to Grace's last line.
I would cut out the "you" in her dialogue:
ReplyDeleteEx:
A mother is someone who always has a smile, even when she’s sad, and she’s the one who says everything is going to be all right, even when she isn’t certain that it will be.
I like the idea of someone not settling for the 3 wishe rule and arguing her point. I hope she wins! Sort of.
As always, I love this story. The tightening up has already been mentioned, but I'll just add a little suggestion:
ReplyDeleteInstead of: Holly could feel her throat closing up, maybe:>> Holly gulped down a great lump in her throat.
And: Holly dropped her head into her hands, great sobs wracked her body.
And: Grace blinked back a tear, smiling sadly at the child in front of her.
Love the story though, and I would definitely by it.
I'm sorry, I like the idea but all the dialogue is sentimental and unreal.
ReplyDeleteIt's like she's reading from greeting cards or mother's day gift books.
I'd like to read a real child's views on why a family needs a mother - something quirky, original and above all unsentimental. Sh needs to give examples - my mum does this, my mum does that - and you need to give a sense that she understands what she is asking to take on.
I like this a lot. The emotional drama was realistic and out there, which is what we're looking for here.
ReplyDeleteI think girls of this age - I'm thinking around 12? - are an emotional mess anyway, so they would easily identify with a girl who is losing her mom.
IMO - great job. I agree with comments about tightening a bit.
Good luck!
This felt to me like I got dropped into the middle of it, and there was already emotion churning before this snippet. I feel like I missed the emotional beginnings and therefore wasn't pulled in by what I read.
ReplyDeleteI did like what was said about mothers, because every bit of that described my mom.
I imagine that if we could see more than the 250 words, that we might be able to identify with this better.
Keep at it
Thanks so much for all the constructive comments and suggestions. I have tightened it up a bit since reading your crits.
ReplyDeleteAnd Susie, I'm actually quite pleased that it made you cry. I've read that chapter a dozen times and I cry every time. And I wrote the darned thing. So thanks for sharing that. It's encouraging.