TITLE: ABOVE SCANDAL
GENRE Historical Romance
“Goodness, I think I hit the carriage roof. Do you imagine we are close to London?” Constance asked as she regained her seat and braced herself for the next bump in the road.
“Nothing looks familiar, yet it can’t be much farther. Are you hurt?” Her maid, Selena, asked vaguely, but still kept her gaze on the world outside the carriage.
“Only my pride. I wish we were going to Hazelmere, instead of London. I don’t remember that road being nearly as bad as this one,” Constance remarked, and opened her cracking blind. Nothing outside the grimy window looked familiar, but she found the sights fascinating, and her sense of excitement grew.
“It’s not the road – it’s the carriage. Besides, London is much more interesting than the quiet of Hazelmere. You will have a great deal more enjoyment in Town, not to mention see a great many handsome men,” Selena admonished her employer in a haughty tone.
“I did not come to London to see pretty men. I came because Virginia was so adamant in her invitations. I could not refuse her again.”
The maid scoffed, and Constance thought she was muttering something unflattering under her breath.
“I could not disappoint Lady Orkney just because Lord Overton no longer cares for the acquaintance,” Constance explained.
Selena was silent for a surprisingly long time. “What did you do?” she asked.
Sounds a little like the Victorian era and a lady that has stolen another lady's man, some one rich and powerful. Interesting. Good Job.
ReplyDeleteWhen she said that she didn't come to London to see pretty men ... well, I could hear Fate laughing her a** off.
ReplyDeleteIt's interesting. If I read this genre (which I generally don't), I'd definitely pick it up and read the first chapter or so to check it out.
Definely would read on. The last line hooked me. Having a servant speak so informal and haughty to an employer is unusual. I'm interested in finding more about their relationship.
ReplyDeleteGood job!
Understanding the time period of this would make a big difference -- is it regency or victorian? I found the historical voice great (this is hard, kudos!), especially for Selena. The names are not very English (I am hoping you changed these for the post)-- I can't tell who is the protagonist. You seem to like Selena a lot and it comes out, but where does that leave Constance?
ReplyDeleteAll in all the story is interesting and opens up a lot of questions. I'd read more...
How does one "ask vauguely"
ReplyDeleteThat was a big turn off for me way to earlier.
You need to just use said sometimes. When every tag is something different, something abnormal, and then on top of that, has an adverb attached, it's distracting. And annoying.
And I don't really get a sense of what's going on in this conversation.
Not hooked, sorry.
Not hooked.
Opps, the second not hooked was a typo. Wasn't trying to be rude. :o!
ReplyDeleteHooked. Love the tone, love the characters. Reads a lot like a bunch of stuff I've been reading to relate to my own work.
ReplyDeleteI'm bothered by the fact that the servant gets away with being so rude to Constance. Maybe that comes later.
ReplyDeleteI'm with The Screaming Guppy about the adverbs. Reminds me of the old Nancy Drew books.
I'm sorry... there's just a lot of information dropping in the dialogue. Would women really have a conversation like this?
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure. Of the historical romance pieces I've had a glance at so far today (not a genre I read), this is probably the most interesting to me because of the interplay between the characters. But, I'm not sure how much longer I'd be willing to give it. That's probably a genre thing, but it's the best I can give you.
ReplyDeleteI don't read much historical romance, so that, in and of itself, might be why I'm not hooked. Or it may be that I just didn't enjoy the characters right off the bat - the snarky maid and meek lady weren't quite my cup of tea.
ReplyDeleteA nice beginning. I would definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. You have some decent characters here, but for me, there were too many errors in the reality of it all.
ReplyDeleteShe thinks she hit the carriage roof. Wouldn't she know if she did or if she didn't? And how does hitting the carriage roof infer they may be getting close to London? Are the roads worse in London than they are out in the country?
Instead of just preferring the road to Hazelmere because it's less bumpy, she actually wants to go there over London? Really?
She looks out the window and finds the sights fascinating. What are the fascinating sights, since they're not yet in London? WOuldn't they just be passing woods and little villages?
I guess I wanted more reality, more real facts.
The dialogue is good and paints a picture. But who are these people? What is the set up? It feels like I just got dropped down into the middle of something instead of the beginning.
ReplyDeleteNot quite hooked. The proper tone does give me a good sense of the time period and the class and station of these two women. And by the end I do start to get a feel for the maid's character by the end since she scoffs and admonishes, but I don't know much about Constance character-wise and I'm not even sure who's the heroine at this point.
ReplyDeleteIt was hard for me to get into the dialogue heavy opening. They're giving out a lot of information to lay out the story and backstory - it doesn't feel like a natural conversation between two women.
Each line is tagged and each person speaks for a couple of sentences before passing the conversation over.
I agree with others on the tags. Every line doesn't need one. Let words and actions make your tag for you.
ReplyDeleteThis reads like a huge info dump using unnatural dialog. There are several blogs on the net, many by long published authors, containing a 'helps' section where they discuss writing great dialog.
I have no real idea of era, who the hn is, why their relationship, when it's lady and maid, is so snarky.
Not trying to be harsh. Just didn't hook me.
Sorry.
I'm not hooked, at least not from this page. That's partly because I don't know enough about the story, but that's hard to get across in one page. One thing I would have liked to see is more description about the sights outside the window. It just says that they're fascinating - I'd love to know exactly what she's seeing.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. A dull conversation between two dull people in a coach. Doesn't do it for me. Throw in a highwatman perhaps!
ReplyDeleteThis isn't hooking me at all.
ReplyDeleteThe dialogue is the major detractor here, since it comes across as faux-British, and lends a complete air of inauthenticity to your novel.