TITLE: THE STOLEN ONES
GENRE: YA sci-fi
Gail, the MC, has just been confronted by Dimitri after spending the day with another student(Daniel). She's been cool and controlled for the most part up until this point. She thinks that Dimitri spent the night with her roommate (Yelena) and just asked him why he was upset when he saw her with Daniel.
“How can you ask that?”
I flinched at the volume in his voice but it didn’t lessen the rage that had been building in me ever since Yelena had been announced as the winner. “How can I ask that? Screw you! You think that just because you the freaking Emperor’s son that you can do whatever you want. Well, I’m not playing along. Go screw around with Yelena again because you obviously had a good time last night. I’m out of this thing. I want nothing to do with you and your games. You don’t own me!” The last came dangerously close to a sob.
“I played checkers with Yelena last night.” He paused for a second while I tried to find sexual innuendo in that statement. I couldn’t. “It has never been her, it was you.”
“Are you retarded?” I screamed as I beat his chest with my fists. How cruel he was to do that to me, to give me hope when none really existed. I don’t know what I would have said next because he kissed me.
It was everything that Daniel’s kiss hadn’t been. Dimitri didn’t hesitate, he didn’t try to be gentle, he didn’t ask, he simply took possession as if it had been his all along. My lips opened in a gasp at the first contact and he pressed it further, slipping his tongue into my mouth. My legs gave out; he tried to catch me but we ended up tumbling onto my bed. I lay there gasping and tried to calm my racing heart. It was only slightly reassuring that he was having the same problem next to me.
This flowed well. It sounds very modern so even though their using terms like Emperor, I'm assuming its a culture, land similar to ours.
ReplyDeleteAnd the kissing scene definitely worked for me!I'd like a kiss like that (smile).
I agree with susiej. This flowed really well... although, I did stumble a bit over the second paragraph dialogue. Perhaps break it up a bit?
ReplyDeleteThe lead-up to the kiss was awesome. Lots of great drama and emotion!
Just to get the technical stuff out of the way first, I saw one likely boo-boo:
ReplyDeleteYou think that just because you['re] the freaking Emperor’s
Personally, I felt that the dialogue was just a little stiff here. They're having a passionate argument, but the words they're saying just don't feel authentic. For some reason, "Go screw around with Yelena again because you obviously had a good time last night. I’m out of this thing." in particular just seemed...off. It's hard to explain and this is just my personal reaction. Try reading this whole exchange out loud, maybe you'll see what I mean. Is this what two real people would say to one another in this moment?
Also, personal reaction again, but I was turned off by the whole "Are you retarded?" thing. I'm actually not easily offended or anything like that, but that's undoubtedly going to offend certain readers and I'm not sure it's really worth it. Plus, for me, it made Gail come across as extremely immature. Maybe she's supposed to be (this is YA), but if that's not what you're going for, I think you could use the word "idiot" or "moron" or something like that instead.
I thought the last paragraph, the kiss, was the strongest. You should probably eliminate one of the "gasps" there, though. The redundancy jumped out at me immediately.
Good job, I think you're on the right track! :)
This definitely got my heart racing. Two things in your last paragraph--you say "it had been his all along" and I am not sure what the "it" is refering to. Also in the last sentence--how does the narrator know he's having the same problem?
ReplyDeleteI agree with Meghan about the dialog.
ReplyDeleteI really liked how she tried to find sexual innuendo in his revelation about playing checkers and couldn't. It was funny and conveyed her confusion very well.
Regarding an earlier comment - I understood what you meant by Dimitri taking posession of her kiss as if it had been his all along. Just so you know.
Please lose the "retarded".
ReplyDeleteAlso, it seems like there's a tense problem with the third paragraph from the end. Should it read, "It has never been her, it has always been you" instead of "was" you?
Otherwise, pretty tense emotionally.
Oh dear, I'm sorry but the kiss just made me laugh. He took possession? He slipped his tongue in? "My racing heart" It's a bit Mills and Boon, and I'm not sure if it's meant seriously.
ReplyDeleteI quite like how she goes completely over the top though. Authentically immature.
I work with people who have all manner of disabilities, including cognitive challenges, and yes, I have a problem with the use of retarded here. I know your target audience uses that word frequently, but I see no reason to have your heroine use it and promote the idea that it's an all right thing to say. I have on occasion used even more vilely offensive epithets, but only when the story absolutely demands it, and then only from the lips of a villain.
ReplyDeleteI like the set up and the level of emotion of this, but I too thought the dialogue was a little forced. I actually think it's because she says too much. I'd trim it in half, and tweak it and it might work better.
ReplyDeleteThe kiss also didn't quite hook me, because I couldn't really feel it - I think kisses either need sensory description or emotional description, but the mechanics without the sensory just felt a little less hot than I think you were going for.
But overall, I think the voice and tone of this works well, and I felt the emotion of it. I got that it was an over-reaction in ways, but why it was a reasonable over-reaction. So that worked well.
good luck.
I think your sentences mostly flow really well but there are some areas that slowed me down. Her speech was too long but good in spite of it. Loved the checkers paragraph!
ReplyDeleteI think the last paragraph would be better without two sentences - "My lips..." and the last sentence. Or rewrite the last sentence, it's awkward.
I would keep reading, absolutely.
I read this through without "crit" thoughts springing up. That is a good thing. The emotion swept me right along.
ReplyDeleteThis is totally chopped out of the larger context, but jealousy in an "adulterer" is great because it is so unreasonable.
A personal bias against feeble easily-dazzled bodice-ripped females did not stop me from wanting to read on. :) Of course I don't know "the rest of the story."
Nicely done.
The only sentence that threw me out of the story was the last one, where the MC seems to know what Dimitri's heart is doing. A "seemed to" would keep us in her POV.
After reading the other comments (which I don't do until I've done mind): Keep in mind that a character saying "retarded" is not an endorsement of DD-bashing by the author!
ReplyDeleteJust read Stephen King's "On Writing" and he conveys just how much hate mail he gets when one of his [bad, evil, irredeemeable] *characters* say, kicks a dog to death. He certainly does not beleive in animal cruelty!
Anyway. It is "hot button" language and if used in careful characterization to deliberate effect, it can work. Just consider how your readers will react ("ooh that's just like her" is the desired response?) and whether you want that language to throw them out of the story.
Sorry for the late review. Work swamped my entire weeknights.
I would also lose the word 'retarded'. Not really because of any people you might offend - yes, this is offensive but it is also something that people do say - but because it makes the MC sound really young.
ReplyDelete