Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Logline Critique, Round 1 #23

TITLE: Ravishing Midnight
GENRE: Adult Urban Fantasy

When Demon Control officer Rieve discovers that her newly transplanted heart is a demon’s, she will unravel the witches’ sinister plot to destroy all demons, find her life irrevocably tied to the demon whose heart she was given, and realize that her resolve to resist sexy incubus lord Lucen, whose kiss would mean he would own her forever, is rapidly crumbling.


  1. I must say, this is an interesting premise, receiving a demon's heart as a transplant. I'd suggest breaking this into multiple sentences though and perhaps short Lord Lucen's to just "resist the sexy incubus". We don't necessarily need to know all their names. I'd read this.

  2. This seems more like a short synopsis than a logline.

    I'm rewriting everybody's in my critiques - it helps me see what's missing or unclear. You can probably gauge which things need to be clarified by where I'm totally off base.

    Officer Rieve hunts demons, but when a demon's heart is transplanted into her chest, she discovers she's been fighting on the wrong side. If Rieve doesn't resist the advances of an incubus lord she will become his slave and won't be able to thwart a plot to destroy all demons.

    What I see from that exercise is the goal is not well defined. What does she need to DO, besides just resist an incubus? The unraveling of the plot is written now as more a subplot than a goal. I'm supposing there are wider ranging consequences than just to her personally.

    Anyway, I love the premise.

  3. Like the premise, esp the part about a kiss meaning he owns her forever, very sexy. How is the discovery that her heart is a daemon's related to her unraveling the sinister plot ? Are those two ideas related (as well as the other goals you mention)?

  4. Interesting premise. How are the witches involved in the heart transplant? And how did Rieve getting the heart lead to the possible destruction of all demons? (And since she's a Demon Control Officer, is that a bad thing?) How is the incubus involved in this plot?

  5. First, you must write your logline in the present tense. Next, your first line is supposed to show how your character is incited and this sounds more like she does a and then she does b. Why does this discovery require her to unravel this plot? Does she want her old heart back or is she just curious about the heart (if so, not a very inciting incident). Once you have established this goal, tell us how she will try to meet it, who will try to stop her and what will happen if she doesn't succeed.

    Good luck!

  6. To me, this reads more like a rehashing of events than a cohesive summary of the whos and whys of your plot. I love the idea of her receiving a demon's heart, and I'm interested in learning more about these witches and their plot to destroy demons; I'm assuming Lucen is tied into this "sinister plot" somehow, but right now it's not very clear how it's all connected. And if Lucen is not directly connected to the witches plot, then he probably needs to go, because loglines don't really allow room for subplots (even the sexy ones).

    Also, after reading this a couple of times I find myself wondering, does the demon whose heart she was given=Lucen? That was what I assumed on my first read-through, but after looking at it again I'm not so sure.

    And as Miss Holly pointed out, use present tense throughout (ex: "she unravels" instead of "will unravel").

    Thanks for sharing, and good luck!

  7. I was confused by this, so my first thought would be to make it clearer.

    She has a heart transplant and gets a demon's heart. Why does that make her decide to unravel the witches' plot to destroy all demons? Does the heart somehow make her part demon? Or is the heart Lucen's, whom she's falling for, and she doesn't want him destroyed? Or is it something else? How do the two things relate?

    And then her life is tied to the demon whose heart she received. So can demon's live without their hearts? If the demon is now dead, how is she tied to him?

    It sounds like you're telling us things that happen in the story, rather than giving us a plot summary (a really short one) WHat happens to her when she realizes she has a demon's heart? How does that change her life and cause problems? Perhaps start with that and then and show us how all the other elements you mentioned all tie in together.

  8. I too had a hard time following the story idea. Why would she be working if she needed a hear transplant and how did she get a heart from a demon? The witches come in and I don't follow the connection.

    Maybe you could rewrite and post it in the comments. Thanks for sharing and good luck.

  9. My main issue in this pitch is that it's all one sentence. I wish you would break it up into 2 or even 3 sentences and i think that would really help me keep track of everything that's happening in your pitch

  10. I was hooked before the first comma. After that, the awkward wording made it a little hard to follow. Otherwise, the only thing I want to know that you didn't say already is what danger the demon's heart presents to her (it's hinted at, but unclear). Everything looks good to me.

  11. Thanks for the feedback everyone, I tried a re-write but now I fear it’s too long. The main points to keep in mind is that Rieve unknowingly received a demon’s heart, the witches want to use hybrids to destroy all the demons (the witches and demons have had years of conflict and tension), her heart donor is kept alive by the fact that his heart is in Rieve (and if one dies the other will), and Lucen is an important ally even though there is a dangerous attraction between them. And to clear up the type of world it is, she doesn’t hunt demons, she maintains control because demons live legally in the human world. My problem is always I try to put too much so I know I definitely need to cut back, maybe I don’t need the sentence about the heart donor or Lucen. If anyone would like to give feedback on the re-write that’d be appreciated.

    After a heart transplant, Control Officer Rieve gets back to work maintaining peace among the demons who legally live among humans. But when Rieve starts exhibiting strange powers, she discovers that her witch doctors gave her a demon’s heart, and plan to use hybrids like her to destroy all demons. And not only will her life be tied to her demon heart donor, allying with a seductive incubus lord, whose kiss means he would own her forever, is her only hope of stopping the witches.

  12. I think you could trim the revised version some more. For example, the first line could be something like, "When Control Officer Rieve starts exhibiting strange powers, she discovers that her witch doctors changed her recent heart transplant, giving her a demon’s heart instead."

    Next we need her goal which is to stop the witches from destroying the peace she works to maintain. Finally, we need some information about why it will be hard for her to defeat the witches.

    I really don't think we need to know about the incubus and his kiss. You could mention him if he's an obstacle but as written, it adds further complications that are too confusing for a logline.

  13. I like your revised logline more than the original, and I second Holly's advice. I would definitely nix the last line with the added complexity.

    You're getting there!

  14. I can't add anything to what Holly said. I especially second the advice about paring down to the essentials - trying to do that myself!

  15. I think you're right about your new version being too long. It's hard to be objective and cut your own work though. I would suggest including the following points:
    *Rieve is a human-demon hybrid. Her job and the heart transplant aren't important at this point, this is backstory.
    *Witches want to use her to kill all demons (will this include killing Rieve eventually?)
    *The one creature who can stop the witches could own Rieve with a single kiss, so she must choose between life and freedom.

  16. Thanks a lot for the additional help! I will use it to keep working on my logline.