Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Logline Critique Round One #37

TITLE: Twenty-four Hour Boy
GENRE: Contemporary Middle Grade


A Strange light and bumps in the night. A murder next door. Up all night, every night, ten-year-old gadget-maker Hunter Harris has to prove he’s telling the truth about a series of strange night-time incidents to preserve his secret lifestyle. (Hunter’s secret: He never sleeps. Never.) TWENTY-FOUR HOUR BOY is a young MacGyver meets Rear Window with a twist.





24 comments:

  1. Why is this a secret worth preserving and not a medical issue worth healing? I think disclosing his secret is the log line pulled me out of interest in the story.

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  2. I agree with Walter, revealing Hunter's secret pulled me out, especially since you 've already stated that he's "up all night, every night." Also, you use the word "night" 4 times in the first 3 sentences - maybe you switch "night-time" with nocturnal? Just a thought.

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  3. Agreed. Don't reveal the secret. I had to read this over a few times and I'm not sure why there is a capital in "Strange".

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  4. You don't need to tell us the secret when it's obvious from the beginning that he stays up all night. You should also get rid of the comp and instead, concentrate on telling us why he needs to preserve his secret and who or what is going to try to stop him.

    Good luck!
    Holly

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  5. You didn't need to reveal the secret - you want to make the reader want to know the secret and therefore open to the first pages or buy.

    and a thought I've had editing someone's book recently, if you are using parentheses to explain something further, it probably means you didn't "show" us quite clearly enough in the first place. But I think most people could figure this one out, so it more feels like you were just trying to sneak in additional info past the logline!

    It is an intriguing concept though and I'd want to read it.

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  6. I think the story sounds interesting but there are some issues with the logline. Aside from the obvious typo (hopefully), I like the two short sentences at the beginning...especially the second one. Those are what pulled me in. I am curious as to why he wants to preserve his secret lifestyle. And is it really a lifestyle or something medically wrong with him? I think the conflict is a bit lacking.

    I don't think the last 2 sentences help the logline at all but could see them in a query -- possibly. Well, not the 'Hunter's secret' sentence. It doesn't need to be there at all. And I really don't like repetitive words so close together...never, never. Gets that mousy song going in my head.

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  7. I've written queries, but no experience with loglines before now, so everyone's feedback is very helpful! Based on what was said, I tried a second version:

    A strange light and noises in the darkness. A murder next door. Up all night, every night, ten-year old gadget-maker Hunter Harris has to prove he's telling the truth about a series of curious nocturnal events to keep his parents from shutting his secret lifestyle down forever.

    Let me know what you think!

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  8. Cute idea, especially like the McGuyer idea combined with Rear window, but...

    Two first sentences don't belong in a logline. Maybe save them for the query or synopsis.

    Agree with others; don't reveal the secret of the story in the logline.

    Why would providing evidence protect his lifestyle? Make that clearer.

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  9. The first two line, while good for a book blurb, really take up too much precious space.

    What about something like this:

    When 10-year-old gadget maker Hunter Harris witnesses a murder, he must convince his parents (anyone else?)he's telling the truth before they put an end to his secret lifestyle.

    My only remaining question is, if his lifestyle is a secret, how do his parents know they can put an end to it, or do they... just a little clarification.

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  10. I like this revised version much better. My only question is how will they shut down his lifestyle? It makes it feel like he's choosing to stay away all the time which doesn't sound right (medically). If you add in that small detail (they'll send him to a psych ward, or put him in a hospital or force him to take experimental meds, whatever it is) it will increase the stakes a bit.

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  11. I am curious as to why he never sleeps, and I don't mind knowing that in the log-line...I'd just approach it differently by including it in the sentence and not in a paranthetical. Also, I would definitely lose the last sentence there.

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  12. This is tough! Including more of the stakes without turning the logline into a mini-novel is a challenge. I tried a third version hoping this gives more of the "why." Am I getting closer??

    Awake at night, every night, ten-year old gadget-maker Hunter Harris is happy with his freakish lifestyle. Unfortunately, when Hunter reports a strange light and noises in the night and then a murder next door, his parents question his sanity forcing Hunter to prove that he was telling the truth or risk losing his secret life forever.

    Thanks again for all your feedback!

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  13. http://makeyourbookamovie.com/building-the-perfect-logline-for-your-book-screenplay-or-other-story/441/

    Check out this site. And then maybe play around with this: A young insomniac's imagination gets the best of him when he witnesses a murder next door and fights to prove it's truly happened.

    This is off the cuff, but you get the idea. The reference to MacGuyver meets Rear Window should go in your query. I know how painful it is to leave out important traits about your protagonist that truly "make" the book and the plot (he's a gadget guy), but the logline is designed to entice - not describe. Hope this helps. This sounds like a really neat premise. You've already hooked me, but I would also be careful about using "never" sleeps - some very bad stuff happens to our brains when we don't sleep - hallucinations for one. Hope you've done some research on this - it could really give a neat twist - is he seeing things? Keep working it - Middle Grade is hard to write and I think you've got a super idea.

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  14. When I read your first logline I thought of Rear Window, and I love Natasha's suggestion of Rear Window meets MacGuyver! It's spot on.

    Your premise sounds delightful.

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  15. Here's my suggestion:

    Ten-year old gadget-maker Hunter Harris can't let his parents realize he's awake at night every night or else they'll drag him back for another dreaded sleep study. Unfortunately, when Hunter reports a strange light and noises in the night and then a murder next door, his parents question his sanity, forcing Hunter to prove that he was telling the truth or risk losing his secret life forever.

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  16. I like Nicole's version, although I think it should be "all night, every night" and then maybe lose "in the night" after "noises."

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  17. Love the title and love the premise. Your second and third attempts were good. But please keep 'bumps in the night.'

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  18. After rolling this around in my head a little, I think my biggest problem is that I'm confused about the story itself. If he hadn't told his parents that he'd seen things in the night, they wouldn't know he's up all night. But now that they know, how will convincing him that what he saw was real keep his lifestyle safe? Maybe he doesn't want them to think he's a liar or crazy, but proving he isn't won't un-reveal his secret.

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  19. I think the forcus is on the wrong element. The logline makes it seem that keeping his lifestyle a secret is what's important, which isn't really exciting. It seems the focus should be on who or what is behind these strange events and how do they affect Hunter.

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  20. This is amazing! Thinking about everyone's suggestions and feedback is a master class in literary focus. So worthwhile. Thank you, thank you!

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  21. Yeah! And we don't have to pay for an MFA! (Hope I didn't offend anyone with an MFA.)

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  22. I'd delete everything up to "Up all night..." And I'd delete the parenthetical comment. Once you do that, I'd also take out "secret" from lifestyle. It's mysterious enough as is.

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  23. I didn't think the first attempt linked all the elements together. I read through the feedback and agree with Nicole's longline. It ties everything together. Good luck!

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  24. "Awake at night, every night, ten-year old gadget-maker Hunter Harris is happy with his nocturnal lifestyle. Unfortunately, when Hunter reports a strange light and noises in the night and then a murder next door, his parents question his sanity."

    Something like this? Strangely, I'm writing an MG with a similar hook for my protagonist so I had the same problem with my logline. You'll notice I removed the end and substituted freakish which has negative connotations for nocturnal which is neutral. Don't reveal your ending. Raise questions, don't answer them. This version takes the focus off the sleeping disorder and squarely identifies the main problem as proving his sanity. The sleeping disorder is a character hook, not your plot. Hope it helps.

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