TITLE: The Runaway Pony
GENRE: Middle Grade Fantasy
I probably shouldn’t pick that funny looking pony, the one with its ears cocked sideways. But I know I will. Maybe it’s because she turns her head and stares right at me like she needs my help.
When the ticket taker lets us kids into the fenced-in area for the pony rides, I race right to her. She stands taller than the other ponies with a mussed-up reddish coat and stained white mane and tail.
Outside of the first person present I don't enjoy, I DID enjoy this opening immensely and am very intrigued. Well done!
ReplyDeleteI'm not that familiar with your genre, but I love this opening. I already have such a strong sense of your character - great work!
ReplyDeleteThis is a great start - we immediately get a sense of the character's thoughts and voice. Well done, and good luck!
ReplyDeleteI liked this too. Although, I would leave out probably in the first sentence and it's in the second. And When the ticket taker lets us in the fenced in area for the pony rides, ...
ReplyDeleteI think a little tightening is all this needs. I'm not sure I know this is fantasy but I know it is for kid readers and I definitely know the kid is at a pony ride.
Thank you all for your comments. I guess I'm sort of in the right ball game. Brenda
ReplyDeleteI'm not clear it's fantasy, but I know it's MG. I agree about the tightening part-- a lot of words are involved in the seemingly unimportant details of the ticket taker, the fenced in area, and the pony rides. Best luck to you!
ReplyDeleteThe voice is very clear and I immediately have a picture in my head of this character. We also get a great sense of personality, too, which is awesome. Great job. I would read more.
ReplyDeleteReally nice first three-sentences! I feel like I can immediately tell this is the kind of person who likes to help others, a kind of neat foreshadowing of what will probably come. Maybe you could add a little more reasoning why the pony is funny looking? Based on the sentences so far, I don't see why the pony is funny looking other than the "stained white mane." Maybe it can have a messed up ear? Unless the "cocking ears sideways" was supposed to mean that. Anyway, this was really awesome, and makes me interested in reading more of it and more middle-grade in general :)
ReplyDeleteThis is cute, but I think it would read so much better if it were in past tense. I don't understand this fad for present tense; since it's just not the natural way to tell a story, it tends to sound stilted and a bit forced, and it really doesn't feel right for a kid's story like this.
ReplyDeleteI'm a bit puzzled by the comments that suggested tightening this, since there's really nothing here that you can tighten! There are almost no details other than the description of the pony, which is clearly important, so I don't think you need to worry about that. Other than the tense issue, the style in this scene is perfectly appropriate.
I think this sets the scene and the age category well. I don't know about fantasy... I'm not sure whether it's being implied that the pony is sentient. But there's time to establish the fantasy element. I find the MC (and the pony) endearing.
ReplyDeleteI felt like there were some tense issues going on in the first paragraph. In present tense, one thing is happening after another, so this somehow reads like she knew she would pick that pony before it turned and looked at her, except that's also being given as the reason she picks it.
So I'd adjust your tenses in that third sentence. "I probably shouldn't pick that funny look pony, the one with its ears cocked sideways. But I know I will. Maybe it's because she's turned her head and is staring right at me like she needs my help."