TITLE: FAR RIDER
GENRE: Epic Fantasy
The pirate captain Boots Trelaine gives Kaelyn a dueling lesson with a kiss as the price if she loses. She lost.
He extended his hand to me and helped me to my feet. "And now my prize." One arm went around my waist and drew me close.
I pulled back in panic. He didn't need to touch me.
"Now, now, paladin. Your word is your bond, and your kiss is mine."
"A kiss. Nothing more."
He looked wounded. "Would I take more? I bargained for a kiss."
He held me there, just looking. I felt as if he were devouring me one slow bite at a time. Then he pulled me closer and raised a hand to the back of my head. His fingers wove through my hair and cradled my head in a firm, yet somehow caressing grip that sent a shiver between my shoulders. He tilted my head, never breaking the look. The look of what? It was lust, but something more, a confident declaration that both excited and frightened me. His chest pressed against me and his leg slid across mine. I felt the hardened muscles in his arm tighten across my back, drawing me tightly to him. His lips were warm and moist, gentle at first and then insistent and longing. His tongue gently traced across my teeth and then teased my mouth open. Somewhere far away, I heard ribald hoots and cheering, but the rapid beating of my heart drowned it out. It took a moment to catch my breath when he released me. It took a moment longer for my toes to uncurl.
Okay you have line, line line, twenty lines.
ReplyDeleteThe problem with this is pacing. The description needs to be more--mixed? with the dialogue. At the very least divide that last paragraph.
I felt like I got a really good idea of Kaelyn's character just by reading this excerpt! Really liked the last two lines :)
ReplyDeleteI felt like I got a really good idea of Kaelyn's character just by reading this excerpt! Really liked the last two lines :)
ReplyDeleteOverall, I thought this was well done. My only suggestion is to see about eliminating some of the "ands" in the last paragraph. I think the paragraph can be tightened up and made more clear. "His chest pressed against me." is fine as is, you don't need "and his leg slid across mine."
ReplyDeleteAmazing first kiss! I was so into it, I didn't mind the long paragraph.
ReplyDelete