TITLE: Prime Vector
GENRE: Science Fiction Adult
After a long trip to return home, Catita and Tek get stuck in a storm. They find refuge in a cave, an old communications center.
“Come on. Am I so bad?” Tek whispers, as he approaches, taking his time. He holds her gaze. She’s not going anywhere.
Something inside tells him it’d be best to stay away. The storm blazing outside will soon be gone, taking Catita with it. Regardless of what Tek can see in her, she’s still QEC, and she belongs in Phoenicis. She belongs to the Queen. Yes, the smart thing to do would be to keep his distance.
Tek’s eyes survey Catita’s face, cheeks flushed from the run, amber eyes melting under the dimmed lights, and those heart-shaped lips slightly parted. Waiting. Damn it. Who’s he kidding? He’s never been known for making good choices. Tek leans in, and covers her mouth with his.
Catita takes a calming breath and pulls away, but Tek’s not ready to let her go. Not yet. He presses his forehead against hers, breathing the same air. His hands hold her in place, while his heart pounds in his chest with a force that matches the raging storm outside.
She sighs, and the delicious pain from his racing heart spreads through his arms and down his back. “You’re killing me, honey. I swear you’re killing me slowly,” Tek murmurs against her temple.
As if trying to fill the void between her feelings and logic, Catita shakes her head, hands kneading the muscles on his stomach. Her nose and lips brush against his cheek, and Tek reciprocates. He hesitates for a moment, then releases her. Eyes closed as he recovers.
I've been looking for something to nit pick. Possibly you don't need to use their proper names as much. They are isolated, so once you identify them, it's easy to tell who is who. It's very well done.
ReplyDeleteThanks. Now that you pointed it out. I see it. :)
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ReplyDeleteI liked the tension before the kiss. It gave the scene some stakes; ie., she belongs to the queen, and bad decisions. I'm not a big fan of the word "reciprocated", but then I'm weird. "Reciprocated" doesn't really give any details, and I liked your details.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the feedback. I see what you mean.
DeleteThe idea here is touching and this does capture how Tek feels torn -- his acknowledgement that 'She belongs to the Queen' is effective, for instance. But I'm afraid this scene doesn't work well for me because there are too many little awkward things that push me out of the story.
ReplyDeleteAs is often the case, the use of present tense isn't doing you any favors; it has a tendency to make writing sound a bit stilted and self-conscious because it's just not the natural way to tell a story. (I rather hope the current fad for present tense turns out to be just that.) And some of the details feel clichéd -- her 'heart-shaped lips', the 'raging storm'; try to steer clear of those kinds of things by focusing on what's unique about your characters and the setting.
The description I have the biggest problem with here is 'melting' eyes. At best that's a very sappy cliché, and at worst the reader's initial thought is to try to visualize it literally, which creates a very unpleasant image! Also, the line about 'Delicious pain' sounds a bit forced to me -- it feels too abstract to convey a real sensation that I can relate to. And her taking 'a calming breath' felt like a subtle POV shift to me; if the POV is supposed to be limited, I'd suggest rephrasing that slightly.
And while I don't have any problem with the word 'reciprocated' in general, I agree with Steve that it doesn't work here -- it feels a little formal for this scene and it's not really giving us something to visualize; I think that part of the problem is that if her nose and lips have just brushed his cheek, in order for him to do the same she would have to turn her head away or else they would simply kiss again. And the final fragment 'Eyes closed as he recovers' is awkward -- it's not really the kind of moment where a fragment would add impact, and it just comes across as ungrammatical.
So while in some respects this passage succeeds at conveying some of the tension and emotion between the characters, cleaning up the writing -- and especially banning those pesky clichés -- would make it a lot more powerful.
Thank you for taking the time to critique my scene. This is really helpful.
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