TITLE: SLEEPLESS CONFINEMENT
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Adelie and Rowan are both hotheads. After ticking Rowan off for disregarding the rules of the dream world, Adelie is expecting a major fight.
Someone needs to keep our hot tempers in check. This could be bad.
The setting doesn’t change. It should, but it doesn’t. It’s a desert –nothing but open planes in one direction and a fathomless drop-off in the other. Our campfire is barely visible from this distance.
I stay a few steps behind him, too ashamed to walk side by side. The threat of the ravine on our immediate left doesn’t help my apprehension either.
The silence is getting too loud. I have to say something.
I raise my head to call after him, but he has stopped walking and turned around. I crash into his chest. There is an intensity in his eyes that takes me by surprise. I open my mouth to speak, but his lips move on mine in an instant, keeping the words inside. I don’t fight back.
I’m not thinking about the abyss anymore.
My fingers pass along the muscles of Rowan’s shoulders and up into his mess of brown hair –something I’ve wanted to do since the day I met him.
The kiss is nothing if not unexpected. I don’t mind his forwardness, though –crave it, even. He combs his fingers through my own hair, brushing it back away from my face. His hands transition to my back with ease. I catch myself smiling against his mouth and grab the collar of his shirt to pull him even tighter against me.
We are lifted out of time and space. If it even still exists. I don’t care either way.
I like the sudden, breathless feel of this...
ReplyDeleteQuestion: Do deserts have drop-offs?
ReplyDeleteIn general, I like the tone of Adelie's voice, but "immediate left" and "transition" are jarringly specific and/or technical.
Couple of logic warps: We get no notice of Rowan actually bending or leaning in to kiss her, so it feels like his lips have teleported to hers, which is weird.
Adelie's FINGERS are performing the action, but it's something ADELIE has wanted to do. With that phrasing it almost sounds like Adelie's fingers butted in. I know that sounds dumb, but the grammar shift brought me up short. If you wrote, "I pass my fingers . . . " that'd change.
If they're in the dream world, I kind of feel like they're ALREADY out of time and space, so the assertion that the kiss is the catalyst for that feeling is a bit redundant.
Well, that's me!
Oh, and comma after "mouth" in the next to last para.
Hehe, that's one way to keep a hot temper busy! :)
ReplyDeleteHmm, I like the idea of that first sentence--a lot--but something about the sentence itself, those words...I'm just not feeling it the way I want to. Does that make sense? It's almost like it doesn't feel like she's talking about herself. I want it to be more powerful than it is.
I'm not sure why they're ashamed to walk side-by-side. But maybe it would make sense if I'd read about their fight. And I'm not sure I understand why he chooses that particular moment to turn around and kiss her, but again that could be because I'm reading this out of context.
But it's interesting and the tension and the kiss itself are great. It sounds like something I'd like to read.
Overall, I like this setting and the way the kiss happens - suddenly and 'accidentally'. I would agree with Amethyst about phrasing 'my fingers pass...something I 've wanted to do since the day I met him'. It just sounds a little awkward. Maybe try phrasing it a bit differently.
ReplyDeleteThat's all. I think it's pretty good, otherwise.
The feel of the scene definitely works. I liked how you set the mood and then jumped right in.
ReplyDelete#1