TITLE: Goner
GENRE: Women's Fiction
The house I grew up in had a sealed picture window instead of a front porch and wall-to-wall carpeting that always made me itch. When I arrived home to the suburbs for break, I couldn’t stand going inside so I headed to the backyard and pitched my little blue tent. It hadn’t been unfolded since last summer on the organic farm where I’d worked upstate. Kicking off my sneakers, I crawled inside to see if it still held any trace of mountain air and meadow grass. But no, the tent just reeked of wool sweaters from being jammed into my closet at Hampshire all year.
This has a bit more backstory than I would recommend, and it feels like a lot of information just for the first five sentences. Perhaps you could show us more about the character before you give us these details about their past?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I agree...the opening line is back-story. It does "tell" me about the place, but not sure of its relevance in the opening. You could almost drop the first line. Good luck with your ms.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the previous comments - this feels like backstory. I'd like to see more immediate action. What does she notice as she pitches the tent? Does she hit her thumb with a mallet, or stab herself with a tent peg? Does anyone come out? Do the curtains twitch? And why doesn't she want to go inside? Surely it's not just the itchy carpet?
ReplyDeleteI got a little lost with jumping around in the backstory. The first sentence made me imagine a child, so I was expecting to hear more about the house from that perspective. The following sentence about being in the suburbs from break was confusing in that context.
ReplyDeleteAfter that, once we're in the tent, I start to get a better feeling for the scene. It feels like women's fiction to me.
I'm curious to know the history here, but it might help if you rearrange the order of things a little. Possibly begin with the pitching of the tent, and letting us know your MC's gender, and then you can add the reflective part about the house just a bit later on. Obviously there are some issues going on here with feelings, so finding out the background is good. Just night right out of the box. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI'm curious to know the history here, but it might help if you rearrange the order of things a little. Possibly begin with the pitching of the tent, and letting us know your MC's gender, and then you can add the reflective part about the house just a bit later on. Obviously there are some issues going on here with feelings, so finding out the background is good. Just night right out of the box. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteMy first thought, after reading the first five sentences, was how much the backstory--even with its lovely descriptions--slowed the action and direction of the opening. Can you find a way to weave these details of the narrator's past into the motion of the story?
ReplyDeleteI find the title intriguing :)