TITLE: Sisters of the Beyond
GENRE: YA paranormal
“Janna, are you all right?” Ross asks, brushing a tear away from my cheek with his lips.
My heart leaps for joy as I grab for his shoulders and hug him, my arms coiled around him, so tightly, my breathing becomes shallow.
He kisses my hair softly and becomes sassy with my hips.
"Don't!"
"why?"
I push him back. “Because it’s all wrong.”
He pulls me back to his chest. “It’s not wrong when you love someone.”
“But Moira.”
“Moira broke up with me, remember?”
As his green eyes magnetize me, I remember my sister and how much she cares about him. Who choses to ruin a perfectly good moment to be loyal to her sister? Maybe sisters beyond this world.
I look down. “I’m sorry.”
His hand circles my face and he brings his face close to mine, forcing me to stare at him. “Why?”
The word yes skirts my lips, but can’t break through.
“It’s… it’s complicated.”
“Why, Janna?”
‘Because you are going to destroy her friendship,’ the jinni says impatiently in my ear.
A tinge of anger grows into the pit of my stomach. Anger grows inside me like wild fire. I wish I could poke this jinni’s heart and put it on a stake. If he has one.
“What do you know? You’re not even alive,” I whisper between my teeth, pissed by the jinni’s lack of respect for my privacy.
Ross laughs softly. His minty breath warms my face in the chilly evening. “I am very much alive.”
“Yes, you’re so much alive, Ross. So right for me!” I say, applying my lips to his where I breath in his musk and warm body elixir.
This scene has a good sense of internal conflict (the sister). I think the biggest problem is overwriting, which is affecting the pacing of the scene.
ReplyDeleteExample:
My heart leaps for joy as I grab for his shoulders and hug him, my arms coiled around him, so tightly, my breathing becomes shallow.
Try:
My heart leaps, and I coil my arms around him, my breathing shallow.
---
As his green eyes magnetize me, I remember my sister and how much she cares about him. Who choses to ruin a perfectly good moment to be loyal to her sister? Maybe sisters beyond this world.
Try:
As his eyes magnetize me, I remember how much my sister cares about him. Why am I ruining a perfect moment to be loyal to her?
(You get the idea. I'm not presuming to rewrite for you--I'm pointing out ways to tighten your writing.)
Instead of "says impatiently", use "hisses" or something.
The paragraph starting with "a tinge" is overwritten as well.
"where I breath in his musk and warm body elixir."
Too much. Choose one or the other.
Like I said, though, the inner conflict in your main character is good. You just need to tighten this in order to make it sing. :)
I agree, you have some great conflict here! I also agree that you have some words in excess. To add to what Authoress already pointed out, you say "A tinge of anger grows..." and then in the very next sentence, "Anger grows inside me..." You're basically saying the same thing twice. And to avoid this description altogether (which is a very cliche way of telling us your character is feeling anger), maybe you could show this emotion instead? Last thing. How does this passage sound when you read it aloud to yourself? It might help you catch duplicate words or awkward sentences, and help you find a good rhythm. But the dialog is great and tells us a lot about the characters. Well done!
ReplyDelete(ps. typo: breath should be breathe)
Definitely have conflict here with the sister element. Maybe she needs to still have a twinge of guilt even when she gives into another kiss?
ReplyDelete"Becomes sassy with my hips" is a little strange. If his pelvis is pressing against her, you can just say that more clearly.
At the beginning, I'm uncertain about their body positioning. Are they standing? Lying down? This may be described in the preceding sentences. Also, they sound like they are positioned rather closely throughout this scene, but some of the wording makes it sound like they get still closer. Maybe have her turn away from him or move away from him?
Not sure if "destroy her friendship" refers to the sister-sister relationship? If so, since this is first person, would it be "destroy your friendship?"
In such a short scene, you do a good job of establishing the conflict for your MC.
Having an interfering jinni whispering in your ear certainly brings the potential for some good conflict (and humor), and Janna's concern for her sister's feelings is also touching. But I'm afraid the writing in this scene is hampered by clichés and a lack of specific detail.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I would call this overwriting, since my first thought is that this needs something more; it feels a bit sparse, perhaps because some of the phrases you fall back on, like 'heart leaps for joy', fall flat because they are simply clichés, not something that feels real to the reader. And although it may be clear when reading this scene in context, I agree with Liz that it's a little hard to visualize where they are in relation to each other (I'm assuming they're standing). I also was puzzled by, 'becomes sassy with my hips', as I wasn't really sure what was meant by that.
The two sentences beginning the paragraph about her anger are very awkward; not only are they repetitious in structure, as if they're both trying to say the same thing, they're actually contradictory -- is she feeling just a 'tinge' of anger (and I don't think that's quite the right word), or is her anger raging 'like wild fire'? If you mean that it starts with just a touch of anger and then quickly grows, you need to just put that into one sentence and describe that transformation. And if her irritation with the jinni has been growing steadily up to this point, it could make sense for her to be pretty furious, but in looking at this scene alone that seems like a bit of an overreaction.
While I know it's something a lot of people actually say in real life, the phrase 'It's complicated' is starting to seem like a cliché as well -- perhaps if you mean that to be a bit funny, it would work, but I don't know that I would use that phrase if you want her to be completely serious at that point. And in the last line, I was jarred a bit by 'body elixir' -- I think that the general idea of what you're trying to convey is obvious, but 'elixir' is too much.
The concepts here suggest that this has the potential to be a really fun story, but it seems the writing just needs more development to give it more originality and depth.