TITLE: Jukai
GENRE: Young Adult Horror
I’m not a killer.
I click the gun’s safety off, and then I click the safety on. I’m about as threatening as a Pokémon, but even a Magikarp has me beat. I think about everything I want to do, everything I want to be―but it’s not worth thinking about.
Because I won’t live to see tomorrow.
This is scary. It's also vague. I'm thinking the person is going to commit suicide. I think about everything I want to do, everything I want to be.. and not worth thinking about. So probably not worth reading.
ReplyDeleteHow did this person get here? wherever they are. maybe sitting on a bed somewhere?
I don't agree with the above "not worth reading" part. You have a good voice and it is scary, and that's good because it's a YA Horror. I'd like to know what a Magikarp is. But I'd read on just to find out.
ReplyDeleteI like the opening, even the part about Magikarp. However, I believe that bit (the Pokémon part) is a little on the humorous side and takes away from the "edge"/hold your breath moment the opening is giving.
ReplyDeleteI love your first line! It promises a lot to the reader. The second sentence had a lot of potential, but I wondered why you clicked the safety off after you just said you weren't a killer. It seems like a better direction there (not knowing the rest of the story, of course), would be to say, "I clicked the safety back on." That would let us know you had it off, decided you weren't a killer, and now turned it on again. (I also wondered if "switched" would be better than "Click" as you don't really click a safety. The safety can make a clicking sound, but you don't really click it.). I think that third sentence could work really well if you take out Pokemon (which others pointed out feels too humorous) and go with something harmless but still more serious - a corpse?
ReplyDeleteAll in all, though, this definitely has possibility!
The story's coming off to me as horror or thriller, so I think you've gotten that established. I like the first two sentences. After that, things get a little iffy on scene setting. It's internal narrative after that, which doesn't ground me in anything: I still don't know who the character is, where he is, or what's going on. I did like the reference to being as threatening as a Pokemon... but I had to google Magikarp. I couldn't tell if that was a deeper Pokemon reference or the thing he was about to kill, especially with the use of "has" making it seem like a real thing happening in the moment. Almost everyone will have heard of Pokemon... only people who are more intimate with it will know what a Magikarp is.
ReplyDeleteThe following narrative is interesting. I see we have a problem, but it's not letting me see what's going on with the MC right then, and I feel like I'm floating a bit.
I agree that the Magikarp reference is humorous and might not fit with the rest of the tone here (also, although most young adults know the reference, not everyone does!). It's also a bit vague, but I think in this case it works to your advantage. At least it left me wanting to know more about this character and the story.
ReplyDeleteI also agree with jeremiah29, the second sentence needs a bit of work, but this has potential! Good luck!
I have to agree that the Pokemon references are distracting. But these are good, lean sentences,
ReplyDeleteI do like your beginning. I wasn't thrown by the Pokemon nor the Magikarp, but those references made me think your MC was no older than 14 or 15, or that he was on the immature side. My only concern was that this might not keep an older YA reader hooked (but would definitely keep upper MG attention).
ReplyDeleteI liked the pace and rhythm of this beginning. I wanted to read on to see what the 'bigger picture' was.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with the comments regarding the Pokemon reference--it's a bit of a jest in what seems a more serious scene set-up.
The only issue I have with the Pokemon humor is that it seems slightly juvenile for a YA audience. It would fit MG perfectly. The voice is great and I think the humor is a big part of that. I'd like to know more about the MC, so I'd read on. I don't think you have to have it all there in the first five sentences as long as you've got a good hook, which you do.
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