TITLE: HOW TO STEAL A DEMIGOD
GENRE: Fantasy
A running joke in the book is that whenever Crea and Lamad start to kiss they're interrupted. In this scene that long-awaited kiss finally happens. :)
When the wagon came from around the back of the stable and Dracob stopped Goli at the edge of the yard, Crea carried the mug, carefully rewrapped in the gray cloth, and Lamad walked beside her with his arm around her waist.
“Hop in,” Dracob called cheerfully.
“Hold on just a moment,” Lamad answered. “There’s something I need to do.” He took the wrapped mug from Crea and placed it into the wagon with exaggerated care, then turned back with almost fierce suddenness and grabbed her in a big embrace, swinging her off her feet and making her give a small shriek of surprise.
When he set her down, he pulled her against him, his strong arms firm against the small of her back, and kissed her full on the mouth. She felt the solid warmth of his muscular chest and arms, smelled the spicy musk of his sweat, and felt the contrasting sensations of moist softness, roughness and strength—his soft, slightly chapped lips, the prickle of his beard, the firmness of his tongue in her mouth.
“Sorry, Yeoman,” Lamad said when he released her, glancing up at the front of the wagon with a sheepish grin. “But that’s been a long time coming.”
“It certainly has!” Crea added, breathless and tingling; she had to press her face against Lamad’s shoulder for a moment, overcome by giggles.
Great title. :)
ReplyDeleteI have no trouble picturing this long awaited kiss. It totally works for me. I also think there are a few extra descriptors that can leave the scene and tighten the writing by a couple words. For example: She felt the solid warmth of his muscular chest and arms... Could easily drop either solid or muscular and smooth out a bit. I enjoyed your scene. #25
ReplyDeleteYou have some great sensory details--touch,taste, smell. It may read stronger to eliminate the filter words "felt" and re-craft the sentence to be a little more immersive.
ReplyDeleteThe solid warmth of his muscular chest and arms [what? how did this feel?]. His spicy musk of sweat [what does this do to her? A physical reaction could work, or connect this to a long ago memory to go deeper into the character[., The contrasting sensations of moist softness, roughness and strength—his soft, slightly chapped lips, the prickle of his beard, the firmness of his tongue in her mouth, [again what, she felt these things, but what does it mean for her to feel those things?]
Not to say you need to go deeper on every single item there. Right now the entry has a lot of physical description of what the characters are doing, though not much emotional impact. If you replace "felt" which is more physical sensation, that may leave room to add in more of the emotional aspects to this physical connection.
I would have liked to see more emotion going on. I thought most of it had voice and was fun to read, but the last three paragraphs were disappointing. I don't know, but she notices things I would not noticed if being kissed by this guy. What about the tenderness of the kiss, the warmth of his tongue or the taste of it? If she can feel his chapped lips, it's probably because she is not enjoying this very much. That turns me off. Also, the way they emerge from this long awaited, dreamed of kiss was not convincing to me. But this piece made me want to meet the characters. They sound fun.
ReplyDeleteSome of the modifiers weaken the scene. It doesn't need to be "almost" fierce suddenness. She shouldn't give a "small" shriek of surprise. She shouldn't feel "slightly" chapped lips. And she shouldn't press her face against Lamad’s shoulder "for a moment."
ReplyDeleteBut overall, good sensory details, which a lot of writers neglect.